Cultivation
16 August 2006 at 12:07 pm | In Philosophical meanderings | 78 CommentsI’m thinking about starting my own cult. This seems to be a viable alternative to working for a living, because you can make obscene amounts of money without actually having to do anything useful. Kind of like politics, but without the shame. In fact, all that’s really required is for you to be charismatic*.
No real experience is necessary and I’ve had sufficient dealings with hippies to be able to cobble together a sufficiently convincing, albeit completely garbagenous, belief system (hey, just like a real cult!). If I can bribe someone like Moonflake to denounce the undertaking, it will add a much-needed boost to the overall legitimacy of the enterprise. All I need now is a catchy name. I’m thinking of something along the lines of Cayennetology. Geddit? KN-tology? Jeez, tough room.
I already have my first convert. Almost. She just doesn’t realise it yet***. Katt is coming to Cape Town for visit at the end of the month and I have the spare room all kitted out with my indoctrination apparatus. [Note to self: must buy new heater for spare room. Newly-brainwashed cult members will be less likely to break their nakedness programming if temperature is kept optimal].
Anyone wishing to become a Cayennetologist can apply to the usual address, although this time you have to give me ALL your money.
* Yes, I realise that this may be a minor** obstacle, but the market niche I’m mainly aiming at includes minor celebrities who aren’t quite ready to commit to high-profile mainstream cults.
** Huge
*** Mwahahahahahah!
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Well, onve you have a plan it should be okay. World domination or just the cash?
quoted
Comment by Fence — 16 August 2006 #
I think someone’s beaten you to the Cult Punch. For example, there is a food that can separate the Adherents from the Non-.
Witness:
http://www.hotsauceblog.com/
hotsaucearchives/
cayenne-peanut-butter-cookies/
Hhhmmm…
Must. Bake. Cayenne. PB. Cookies.
Yikes! Could it be I’m already in your Cult-ish Clutches?
Comment by Lori Witzel — 16 August 2006 #
I’m a bastard rich type A who hasn’t got time to waste cultivating sychophants so I will buy me a readymade cult from Cults-R-Us.
You can hop onboard as bestuurder if you wish. 10% of all takings can be yours. Warm terts is ook joune!
Wag, wag wag, what ology or ism can I call it?
Ag, you and the sekretaris can decide. Yust call me op the mobile. I are on my jagt by Monaco!
Bwahaahaahaahaa!
Comment by Robert@iScatterlings.com — 16 August 2006 #
Katt is staying in your spare room?!?
Is she mad?
(Or are you just imagining it?)
And no, I don’t want to join your cult. You can join mine.
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 16 August 2006 #
What the bleep do you know…….
=)
Comment by forgottenmachine — 16 August 2006 #
Does this cult advocate abstinence or “group sexual enlightement”?! I have found this to be a vital deciding factor in my trawling for The Perfect Cult.
Comment by Champagne Heathen — 16 August 2006 #
Kyk, I’m in.
Just promise me we can obliterate Tom ‘Hubbard’ Cruise, and I’ll start campaigning. I’m on it already.
Comment by Peas on Toast — 16 August 2006 #
Fence: Cash, primarily. With the current state of the world, I’m happy for others to have it.
Lori Witzel: Oh yes.
Robert: 10%? 10%? Boet, as soon as I have my ‘Defenders of the Faithful’ enforcement brigade trained, I will be sending them sort you out, so watchit, hoor?
Mandy: Well okay, but only if it has a catchy name.
forgottenmachine: Ah, the Director of Communications has spoken!
Champagne Heathen: Definitely group enlightenment. There’s already a crowd that goes in for abstinence and I believe it isn’t working out too well for them.
Peas on Toast: Excellent, excellent! I shall watch my bank balance with keen interest.
Comment by kyknoord — 16 August 2006 #
Note to self: Go on crash diet!
Comment by Katt — 16 August 2006 #
Katt of Spare Oom… is there another story in the making here (just make sure you stay away from big cupboards)
Comment by M — 16 August 2006 #
See, now, this is where I could have used “defenestration” effectively, but you’ve ruined it for me!
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 16 August 2006 #
Will we have to donate all our earthly possessions, wear tie-dyed robes and eat organicaly grown vegetables? If not, I’m in too.
PS: Once you make Moonflake’s Midweek Cuckoo, you know you are famous!
Comment by ChittyChittyBangBang! — 16 August 2006 #
Katt’s coming to visit?
Oooh. Brace yourself.
And Kitkat darling – you’re lovely – forget the crash diet.
Comment by Geena — 16 August 2006 #
Although a tad of a “hippie-wannabe” I’m not in to the whole cult thing. I like individuality.
OK, basically you lost me on the whole “give you all my money thing.” Well and the fact that most cults aren’t very supportive of manicures, pedicures and hair highlights for members. And I only BUY organic food (on occasion) I’m not into growing it.
And although I like you kyknoord, I’m not into worshipping any man. But hey, good luck with that.
And I hope you have a fun visit with Katt!
3T
PS. Katt, don’t drink the kool aid!
Comment by 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) — 16 August 2006 #
Katt: You think you’ll be able to squeeze through the bars then?
M: ’strue. I have some very irate fishmoths knocking around in the cupboards.
Mandy: My remorse knows no bounds. How can I make it up to you? The ritual suicide number is getting a bit old.
Chitty: I thought I was quite clear on the nudity aspect. Anyway, I don’t really care one way or the other what you eat and you can keep your earthly possessions – I just want your money.
Geena: Sharp as pencil, you are
3T: Hey, I’m not at all against titivation and I can’t say I really care for the worship thing. However, your resistance to the basic tenet of faith – i.e. “give me all your money” – is troubling.
Comment by kyknoord — 16 August 2006 #
Director of Communications!
Is that seriously an offer?
And be truthful, there are witnesses…..
Besides, I’d be perfect for the job. I know exactly who to model myself upon.
Comment by forgottenmachine — 16 August 2006 #
A remorseful cult leader? That seems to be a bit of a contradiction in terms. No wonder you’re having problems getting this endeavour off the ground.
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 16 August 2006 #
I tried this once in PE and got 14 members signed up. I was just doing it for tax purposes and they lost interest when they realised that they weren’t going to be called on to do anything cultish.
I count myself lucky. There are few things worse than having to spend time with people who are maniacally evangelical about ideas that you thought up as a joke.
Comment by Andrew — 16 August 2006 #
Hee hee! 3t, thanks for the tip! Anything else I should know?
Comment by Katt — 16 August 2006 #
forgottenmachine: When am I ever not serious?
Mandy J Watson: No, that would be the charisma thing again.
Andrew: So I guess you aren’t going to be applying for the position of Activity Director?
Katt: Yes, look directly into the light…
Comment by kyknoord — 16 August 2006 #
I thought that they manufactured Axe for charisma issues. You should look into it.
Personally, I stopped liking the brand once they changed the name to Axe and tweaked the slant of the advertising (to being disgustingly (subtextually) misogynisti rather than previously amusingly, marginally offensive).
I guess then you have a choice – do you want to attract hot chicks or me? Tought decision, I know. I’ll wait.
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 16 August 2006 #
In that case, I accept.
Er…is there any paperwork I should know about?
Perhaps you could even divide your devotees into smaller groups and call them ‘pods’……
Comment by forgottenmachine — 16 August 2006 #
That should be tough. Hopefully spelling doesn’t count.
(Of course not! What am I talking about? What hot chick can spell?)
((Of course, one could argue that since I wasn’t positioning myself as a “hot chick”, I should be able to spell, so it’s all become very confusing and infinite loopish. Not so much for me, but probably for you and/or everyone else. Ok. Going to post in my own blog now.))
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 16 August 2006 #
AND, when I said “that should be tough”, what I meant to say was “that should be ‘tough’”.
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 16 August 2006 #
I almost believed you until you mentioned the nakedness programming.
Comment by andrea — 16 August 2006 #
Mandy: Are you done?
FM: There is always paperwork. Pods? Hmmm… yes, the idea definitely apples to me – I mean appeals to me.
andrea: You aren’t fooling anyone. I know you’re typing your application as we speak (or type – hey, whatever)
Comment by kyknoord — 16 August 2006 #
okay, these are the steps:
1. quit your job
2. buy a farm in the freestate or another equally secluded part of the world and build a compound
3. get some followers, preferably female. lying and kidnapping are considered legitimate tactics in gathering followers, as is brainwashing
4. stock up on the guns and koolaid. You can get koolaid at checkers and i hear the cops will sell you those gun-licence-amnesty guns for a very reasonable price.
5. Start a website to advertise your cult to the masses, and try to use at least 2 font sizes, styles or colours per sentence.
And you’re all set! Remember that when you predict the end of the world and it doesn’t happen, it’s because the sheer power of your brain prevented the planet from exploding. All hail Kyknoord, for ever and ever, amen.
Comment by moonflake — 16 August 2006 #
i’m a convert! i’m a convert! dude- um- i haven’t got any money right now… but can i be a “Cayennetologist” anyway?
paleeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzz
Comment by angel — 16 August 2006 #
Add me to Forgottenmachine’s “pod.”
I’ll bring the cupcakes & cherry Kool-aid, natch!
Smooch,
The Tart
; *
Comment by The Tart — 16 August 2006 #
And I’ll draft you a disclaimer for all your devotees to sign.
I’d elaborate but my cat has just brought me a live mouse present and its hard to type from the far end of the sofa. Eeeeeewwwwww! He’s crunching it now!!!!
Comment by Cherrypie — 16 August 2006 #
Aside from the predictable yet critical nakedness programming, what does the rest of your indoctrination process entail?
And what chemical, laughtrack or other suitable material or method will you be using for the inevitable mass suicide?
Comment by Within Without — 17 August 2006 #
sign me up kyk, do u mind those fruit fairies comin along?
Comment by Shortypam — 17 August 2006 #
oh dear kyk, I’m just not into cayenne, it makes me sneeze.
Oh well, I’m sure you’ll find many others willing to grovel and scrape.
Comment by Jam — 17 August 2006 #
Well, kyk, I was…until you asked.
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 17 August 2006 #
moonflake: I think I’m going to have to outsource a bit.
angel: Absolutely not. “…haven’t got any money…” is tantamount to blasphemy.
The Tart: Please give a hearty (and tarty) welcome to our Director of Catering.
Cherrypie: It’s okay, I’ll wait. Actually, I’m counting on the fact that after they give me all their money, they won’t be able to afford to litigate after the wheels come off.
Within Without: If I told you that, it would ruin the surprise. As far as the other goes, I’m leaning towards the “holding your breath until you turn blue in the face” method.
Shortypam: Not like we have any choice. Can’t seem to get rid of the little bastards.
Jam: Dear Jam, it’s only a name. So I guess this is why you don’t fly Virgin Atlantic.
Mandy: You could have just nodded, you know.
Comment by kyknoord — 17 August 2006 #
Well, I did, but I don’t think you noticed. Like now – what am I doing now?
(At this point I’m leaving out the rest of what I wanted to say because, although very good, may be totally misunderstood by people randomly reading this (and therefore detrimental to my burgeoning fame).)
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 17 August 2006 #
Mandy: I would argue that either nothing is random or everything is, so it matters not a jot either way. Your fame can therefore continue to burgeon unimpeded.
Comment by kyknoord — 17 August 2006 #
Hmmm…
Director of Communications, Director of Catering……
I get the sense that there’s just one last position missing from that list…..
Comment by forgottenmachine — 17 August 2006 #
so guru kyk, what will you be teaching me on my journey of enlightenment and can i be naked… (i like being a naked, it makes me feel so free…)
Comment by Shortypam — 17 August 2006 #
FM: You missed Director of Activities. And what about Director of Blinkies? The code is available here.
Shortypam: I will be teaching you that nothing is free. This lesson will commence as soon as you give me all your money and your clothes.
Comment by kyknoord — 17 August 2006 #
Bliksem! What the hell is happening here?
Comment by Robert@iScatterlings.com — 17 August 2006 #
I see that there are still 2 positions that aren’t filled:
a) High Priest(aka. main joint smoker)
b) Financial Advisor/Money Launderer
Both key to a proper cult
Comment by Revolving Credit — 17 August 2006 #
I bags doing the High Priest seeing as how I am already a rich bastard!
Comment by Robert@iScatterlings.com — 17 August 2006 #
don’t forget, kyk, you’re also going to have to father lots and lots of children via your female followers/multiple wives. Are you up to the challenge?
Comment by moonflake — 17 August 2006 #
Revolving Credit: Director of Finance seems a perfect fit for you.
Robert: Well okay, but first you have to give me all your money.
moonflake: I suppose cloning’s out of the question?
Comment by kyknoord — 17 August 2006 #
Apparently, no one has volunteered yet, can I be Treasurer then?
Comment by anne — 17 August 2006 #
Kyk clones!!!!
YES, box 4 up pronto for me … ship out via fastest overnight service, provide extra batteries.
Send bill to Revolving Credit or Robert!
Smooch,
The Tart
; *
Comment by The Tart — 18 August 2006 #
Kyk, you are an amazing man. Obviously you have the “charisma” to start your own cult.
However, I note that aside from a very willing Shorty Pam and a few others, everyone wants a management job.
Too many generals, not enough soldiers. How do you propose to deal with this issue?
Is the Communications Directors’ job still open? I’ll alert the media immediately.
Comment by Within Without — 18 August 2006 #
anne: If you must, but I’d prefer you to be Director of Translation. French people have money too.
The Tart: I think you may be referring to the Fully Functional Full-Size Fantastic Kyknoord Action Figure (TM). We’re out of stock.
Within Without: Any good cult needs a strong leadership core. This is expecially important when everyone is naked. However, since you have identified a potential area of deficiency, I think we should make you Director of Recruitment.
Comment by kyknoord — 18 August 2006 #
I’m definitely diggin’ the cult thing. You might be surprised how many people would follow you! You have to provide a trinket of sorts for all your followers though, that the rule.
Comment by LiVEwiRe — 18 August 2006 #
I might have been a member of Andrew’s cult. Or was that just high school? It’s so hard to tell.
Comment by barbedwire — 18 August 2006 #
Is this Fully Functional Full-Size Fantastic Kyknoord Action Figure (TM) anatomically correct?
(I ask since you say it’s full size.)
And does it have some sort of chop action?
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 18 August 2006 #
livewire: Hey, I make the rules here (but your suggestion has been noted).
barbedwire: Tell me about it! At least you escaped, that’s the main thing.
mandy:Yes, to both questions “…chop action…” [snigger]. It’s a bastard to keep clean, though.
Comment by kyknoord — 18 August 2006 #
Kyk, you know that I am one of your devoted followers, but this whole cult idea scares the living bejeevez out of me because most of them end in mass suicide. I’ll join as long as you add a clause that clearly states suicide not an option – EVER!!! I’ll be one of the lowely followers seeing that all the top jobs have been taken. They say you snooze, you loose!!
Comment by BUDDESS — 18 August 2006 #
@kyk: I’m not sure whether my response should be “cool!” or “eeeeew!”
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 18 August 2006 #
buddess: No mass suicide? Ah, don’t be such a wet blanket. C’mon, it’ll be fun!
mandy: That exactly the reaction I was going for ;->
Comment by kyknoord — 18 August 2006 #
*giggling*
and I’ll give a PERCENTAGE of my money.
Ohhhh, OK. I want the High Preist job that revolving credit refers too.
Comment by 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) — 18 August 2006 #
You were going for a vacillating reaction?
That’s actually rather impressive.
And weird.
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 18 August 2006 #
Kyk … who is the ‘Director of Security’?
Help … we’ve got ShoryPam’s Fruit Fairies sneaking off with the buttercream frosting, AGAIN!
I worked for hours on that stuff … it was for orgy night, you know … ‘get-to-know-your-cult-buddy-better.’
Sheesh … now I have to start all over. ; )
Smooch,
The Tart
Ps. Maybe Buddesss might be interested in the job?
Comment by The Tart — 18 August 2006 #
Since everyone’s claiming directorships I would like to be Director of Directionality so I can put up signs in the compound to point people to my cult (which is not in your compound, in case you’re wondering, we just have a secret base stationed in your compound to improve our operational efficiency.)
Erm, I mean, we had a secret base…
Whoops. Guess I can’t ever be Director of Security or Director Communications. Or Director of Secure Communications.
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 18 August 2006 #
Hmm. I certainly can’t be Director of Communictions if I call it “Director Comunications”.
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 18 August 2006 #
3T: In that case, you can have a percentage of the job.
The Tart: Don’t worry about the fruit fairies. Soon they’ll be too fat to fly and we can bin the whole lot of them.
Mandy: What? This isn’t a sodding corporation, okay? I can’t just go handing out directorships to the competition, you know.
Comment by kyknoord — 18 August 2006 #
You weren’t handing it out so much as I was just taking it…
(And, really, that’s what cults do – they take people’s stuff and sing songs.)
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 18 August 2006 #
Mandy: Oh yeah? Well I have a cool blinky. What have you got, apart from that time-warp machinery on brainwavez.org?
Comment by kyknoord — 18 August 2006 #
What time-warp machinery? Don’t give me back-handed free advertising like that. People will visit my site and then be disappointed.
(There is no time-warp machinery, people, just so you know.)
Also, I, too, can make my own blinkys anytime I want, so there!
(Although blinkys hurt people’s eyes so, as a self-proclaimed usability expert, I prefer not to.)
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 18 August 2006 #
My name is Sunny Boy Kaballa. I am the nephew of the multi-millionaire businessman Richard Kaballa, formerly of Lagos, Nigeria.
In 2005 my uncle died and left me in control of his vast 200 million US dollar fortune with the instructions to give it away to suitable religious causes.
I have been working through the list of religions, starting from A. I have got to the C’s and would like to offer you 3 million dollars to help you to establish your cult properly.
Just send me your Name, Date of Birth, Mother’s maiden name, and your full bank details to facilitate me transferring the money to you.
One little thing: send me 500 dollars adminstration fee, in unmarked bills, care of my secretary:
John Kardal
123 Milton Street
Lagos, Nigeria
Comment by Anonymous — 19 August 2006 #
Kyk! It’s your funds! Right there – for free – from Nigeria (how sweet of them!).
Perfect!
Let’s get the Director of Misappropriation on this immediately!
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 21 August 2006 #
Sunny Boy Kaballa: I have sent my five hundred Zimbabwe dollars, as requested and I await your response with breathless eagerness.
Mandy: Yes indeedy. You know you’ve arrived when you get 419ed (although I’m not sure about this one. It’s suspiciously articulate).
Comment by kyknoord — 21 August 2006 #
I think a cult excursion to “123 Milton Street” is in order, in order to investigate.
Didn’t you have a Director of Traffic? This would be a perfect first initiative.
Comment by Mandy J Watson — 21 August 2006 #
I seem to recall that the Maharishi spent most of his time trying to nail Mia Farrow’s sister instead of showing the Beatles the path to Enlightenment.
I guess that the trappings of Power are the same from Clintonian White House closets to Marakesh.
I regret that I can’t send you any money right now but I am in the process of securing my financial freedom by transferring my vast diverse portfolio into the ubiquitous netherworld of Blogshares.
Comment by homo escapeons — 21 August 2006 #
Comment 71??? You just might be onto something here Kyk.
Comment by BUDDESS — 25 August 2006 #
[...] Owing to the overwhelming interest in the Church of Cayennetology, I believe that we may just have a new cult on our hands. Spread the Word, brothers and sisters! As a reward for your faith, you may place the Official Cayennetology Blinky (and who doesn’t love blinkies?) on your site. The necessary code can be found here. [...]
Pingback by Minister of Culture « the other side of the mountain — 7 September 2006 #
I think you all need your heads examined!!!
Comment by Boetseun — 17 April 2007 #
Mandy : What the hell is blinky, And hope you have gotten over your cat (bean)
Comment by Boetseun — 17 April 2007 #
Wow. Trip back in time.
-> Boetseun:
It was a blinky graphic that blinked a lot.
I still miss my cat – he was wonderful – but the massive pain has eased a bit (I must update my profile page actually). Thanks for asking.
BTW are you the guy (?) that searched for me on Google using that rather offensive term? Shame on you! (And yes, I see everything).
Comment by mjw — 18 April 2007 #
Mandy: Do you still see something in google?
Try Again.. Don’t know what you are talking about. But enjoy your day anyways(:
Comment by Boetseun — 18 April 2007 #
I didn’t say it was you. I asked if it was. Sounds like a guilty conscience, though.
Comment by mjw — 20 April 2007 #
Cayennetology – cult following of the porsche Cayenne SUV hehe…okay, really tough crowd out there
Comment by Aquila — 29 June 2007 #