There’s been a new development in my ex-wife’s campaign to inveigle her way into my spare room.
She appears to have let the matter drop for now, but I know from bitter experience that it won’t end here. She never gives up that easily and I can almost guarantee that she’s busily concocting some scheme to blindside me, unless I can come up with an ironclad countermeasure.
The odds are pretty good that she’ll simply show up at my doorstep armed with a lame story that her accommodation plans have “somehow” fallen through and that she has nowhere else to go. She’s already done this once before.
It therefore makes sense for me to remove the prize from the field altogether and rent out the room. To this end, I have compiled the following form to weed out undesirable applicants:
![Are you my ex-wife? [ Y ] [ N ]](http://kyknoord.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/application.gif?w=584 "Are you my ex-wife? [ Y ] [ N ]")
I have a good feeling about this.
Try using a carefully formulated excuse like “You’re not welcome, you silly old hag!”.
That’s only 100% effective when delivered by a gorilla. What are you doing in December?
um…I actually…liked….Repo Man.
Excellent. You’re through to round two.
N
Y
Y
N, but I wish
N
N
N
N
Y
Y
Y
N
Y
N
N
Y
HELL NO
1/3
Interesting. You really look taller in your photos.
1. Only sometimes
Sadly I’m not 6′, so 1/3 for me too!
2. What’s a television?
3. Yes, I’m a woman – aren’t we born to be chained to a sink?
4. I am that fairy
5. Please… I’m not called “Rubenesque” for nothing!
6. NO
7. Got no idea what you’re talking about?
8. My kid is all grown up – not necessary any more!
9. Every minute of it – I love Mondays so I can go to work!
10. With these girls?
11. No and
12. No – I’m not a chip pan
13. Nope… I own a saxophone though
14. Not that I’m aware of
15. Dunno it…
16. You’re absolutely sure your ex is going to turn up?
17. I’m not 12/13/14/15/16 – he’s a bit young for me, and I reckon he’d be a pain in the neck…
18. I’m blonde and have flashed my nekkid bits on the Interweb… I was modeling nipple piercing at the time
PS. I know it was a Y/N form, but I felt it needed a little extra PR…
I hope don’t mind, but I’ve forwarded your application to my neighbour. She’s been looking for a domestic.
I should have mentioned earlier – I don’t do ironing, and you can only touch the dust in my house, not write in it!
A fire … Really. Eeek!
That won’t work on an old flame.
This document could be used as a rider on an pre-nup.
The wisdom of hindsight…
Since it’s a yes/no response (although I could “do a Helga”)…
no yes yes no no no no no yes and all the rest are no. Being too lazy to keep typing “no” probably negates my first answer.
Can I claim 1 out of 3 for the final question?
Wow. I didn’t know you were an ex-model!
oops! Of coarse[sic] I know the difference between your and you’re. So their!
I’m going to have to refer this to the third umpire. You know what they say about first impressions.
You could always just light the room on fire . . that would solve alot
True! My ex probably won’t want to stay with me when I’m in prison.
Fail-proof…
Utterly.
Why do I have a feeling that if the answer to the last question is yes, all the other answers are irrelevant?
Maybe that would just be me . . .
Maybe… Do you have any strong feelings about tomorrow’s lotto numbers?
Hey listen, I’ve read the final Twilight book. Having Edward Cullin’s babies is NOT to be sniffed at.
But I have a cold. I can’t help it.
1) Not that I am aware of
2) Uhm, I THINK so
3) I am the OCD Queen of Dishes (QoD)
4) My gorgeous Delia Defy takes care of that
5) No, in fact quite the opposite (yes all this AND I can cook too – I KNOW!)
6) Not that I can recall
7) No, but it was strangely life-like
8) Is black a vomit colour?
9) Mostly
10) No!
11) Yes, once but it was the 80’s, big hair, hairspray, lighter – WOOF!
12) No
13) Does my daughter’s electronic keyboard count?
14) No
15) AHAHAHAHAHA – No!
16) Well that depends – how are your doing? Do you’re socks smell?
17) Not this lifetime, no
18) Yes
Hey! I said no lying!
I’m glad you included a grammar question. That’s always a dealbreaker for me
Absolutely. I once dated a greengrocer’s daughter. It ended badly.
What would Harry Dean Stanton do, dear?
Mrs B!
I don’t want no commies in my spare room. No Christians either.
You could always get her to look in the trunk… I’m just sayin’.
You’re right! I can always blame society for the consequences.
And sell off what’s left for parts. Otto parts.
If only I could convince her to go camping. That would be in tents.
Dolce’s comment has me in giggles. I love this list – may I lift it from you when it’s time to search for a new housemate?
Be my guest. Just remember to change the name at the top, or it’ll get confusing.
But I am a laundry fairy.
Sx
And I believe in you.
no…umm…i mean yes..um..**voice in head is telling me to answer no to #1**tells voice to go back to being lazy**
NO..that’s my final answer..
I have to do laundry/dishes now..may I borrow your lighter?
Sure thing. Have you seen my car, by any chance?
Had another thought – how about starting a new hobby… collecting spiders (eg. big, hairy tarantulas) or snakes, (eg. boa constrictors) and keep them in the spare room… just sayin’
No need. I’ve just received a lucrative offer from the government to alleviate prison overcrowding.
Dude, I’ve seen my fair share of divorces and I still don’t know why it’s always the guy who stays the gentleman and women morph into heinous cow-demons from another dimension…most of the time. I guess being a lady is just not rated highly enough any more by either gender. Nice blog, glad shebee pointed it out
Ta. I can’t speak for other men, but in my case, it was caused by the Testosterone Transfer Effect. You see, the ex got my testicles in the divorce settlement.
That cartoon, and indeed, entire post is hilarious. So to me at least, your suffering by your ex-wife is well worth it.
(What can I say, I’m sympathetic like that.)
And to think they said no good would ever come of the marriage.
Sharing a flat with models is not all that it’s cracked up to be. I shared with two for a while and the pillow fights in baby doll nighties and seeing them wandering around with out their tops on most mornings was very wearing. Eventually.
Indeed. It’s hard, but one has to firm about these things.
Send her a Pro Forma invoice?
Now that is an excellent idea
would it be possible to move? or pretend to move? change the name on the mailbox and all that? get some cute little old granny type to answer the door when she’s due to arrive in town… c’mon. you can do this – AND have fun with it!
You’re right. I could just brick up the door to the spare room and deny it was ever there.
Just thinking about accommodating a roommate makes me tired. The kids are enough.
Sounds like you need a nice holiday. What are you doing in December?
Wow, your really strict about you’re roommates.
Your right. You’re observation is very astute.
I’d be willing to give away my bagpipes for you. Let’s hear it. *Awwww….*
Ok. Fine. Once I accidentally set myself on fire. It was an accident, for cripe’s sake! Why does this still haunt me?
Adam is a very lucky man.
LOL that’s one awesome list
Experience is a harsh teacher.
Excellent questionnaire, no doubt complied by someone with a wealth of experience dealing with ‘Dude, where is my car’ documentary enthusiasts.
Great job Kyknoord, your hilarious!…..
Thank’s for you’re comment. Your to kind.
I don’t know why none of us didn’t come up with this before: can *I* come and stay in your spare room for the dates your ex wants to descend on you?
I hear there are some very good vineyards in the district (my interest is in observing vine training methods. And some sampling.)
I’ll start compiling a list of wine farms immediately.
Oh, I see where this irrational panic is coming from… you’re still in love with her aren’t you?
Haai sies tog, jy’s lelik met my, Blommie!
Send her a briefcase filled with glowing, radiated material. Then call her and say in a menacing tone: ‘Repo men are intense.’
Maybe I should just ask Agent Rogersz to have a quiet chat with her?
i’ll cook, if you do the dishes?
Deal. What are their names?
Kyk: “I’m not as green as I’m cabbage looking, you know.”
You were saying…?
Speaking of green – tell her you have contracted swine flu a few days before she arrives.
Are you flirting with me?
Is you’re room still available? Your nice.
What?
Your nice to.