Actions speak louder

My wife hates me. She claims otherwise, but her actions give her away. For instance, she has bought the sprog a whole lot of videos that were on special. What’s wrong with a few videos, you ask? They happen to be Barney the bollocking dinosaur videos, that’s what. I love you, you love me. Oh please God, won’t you kill me…

Last night’s rehearsal went on quite late and all was dark when I returned home. “Odd”, thought I, “She normally leaves a light on for me”. My entry into the flat was greeted by a piercing SQUEEEEEEEEEAK as I stepped on a stategically-placed plastic dolphin. When my heart eventually restarted, I was able to ponder the mystery of how the thing managed to get from the bathroom to the kitchen door. Sabotage. Clearly.

I clambered into bed, ready for a few hours of peaceful repose, but just as I was about to slip into the welcoming embrace of Morpheus, my dear spouse (who has a bit of a cold) fired up the Harley-Davidson she keeps in her nasal cavity and began snoring happily. I can’t understand how she can sleep through that racket, but she is a champion sleeper, so anything short of a bucket of cold water won’t wake her. As I stoically headed off to the study to retrieve my earplugs, I noticed that the seal on the bottle of nose drops on the night table was unbroken…


27 thoughts on “Actions speak louder

  1. anne: I should be okay. I don’t have a fortune that she wants to get her greedy mitts on. Hundredaires don’t attract gold-diggers like they used to.

    eKapa: On the plus side, we never have to worry about burglars.


  2. Paul: I used to wonder why they called it ‘holy matrimony’. I have subsequently come to the conclusion it’s because at any given time, at least one of the partners is asking, “Oh God, why me?”


  3. Haha.. you should put an addendum to this post, something along the lines of:
    This post is best read when accompanied by dramatic music, preferably those used in the Hitchcock films.
    I’d be very careful around the wife if I were you… she is slowly working her way up to more serious crimes. Lol.


  4. terri: Could be. Now that I think about it, that may be the very reason she elected not to use the nose drops.

    chitty: I laugh in the face of danger. Squeaky toys are another story. At least I can take comfort in the fact that she can’t sneak up on me while I’m asleep (seeing as you actually have to fall asleep to be asleep).


  5. I too am subjected to Barney but I have no-one to blame but myself. What’s even MORE irritating than the horrid purple monster himself are those ‘cute’, revolting kids that sing along with him. I almost am compelled to watch to see how pukey they can get!


  6. It’s not that she hates you. She’s just wearing you down to a mere smidgen of your former self. I know because I also keep a Harley in my nasal cavity. And that’s what I’m doing to the Mr.


  7. veggiebabe: Sure, easy for YOU to say. You don’t have to sleep next to her.

    bee: Those kids make me wish fervently that their parents had followed the instructions on the birth-control more closely. They manage to drag the whole nauseating package down to unspeakable levels of awfulness.

    ZG: It all makes sense now – I am a pale shadow of my former self. Some people would say it’s diet and exercise, but you and I know better.


  8. Oooo the joys of being a singleton !!

    But I must admit I do miss the , and the , and the erm ?? , and not forgetting the errr ???

    Actually I lie , i’m missing out on fuck all apart from a cleaner !!!

    ( Gawd I sound like a cheuvanistic pig )

    Woohoo , I rule …


  9. If the nasal spray was unopened and nothing short of a bucket of cold water would rouse her, I say you should have sprayed it in mid-snore. Oh come on… where’s your sense of adventure! =) As far as the sabotage… clearly!


  10. LiVEwiRe: You have illustrated the difference between genius and average intelligence beautifully. The solution (hah!) is so obvious. Now. The answer was staring me in the face all along, but my sleep-deprived brain just wasn’t up to the challenge.


  11. Yay! Thanks for the blogroll fame! I had a weird moment today. Looked at a new colleague and saw your blog logo on his shirt! Immediately thought OMG – it’s Kyknoord! Wasn’t though – just being silly – he’s not half as good looking as you! LOL


  12. Just curious – why do the people who are the possessors of the Harley take 30 seconds to go to sleep, whereas their partners invariably take 10 times (or more) longer? just asking….
    If I (or you) could reach that sleep state first, the noise that threatens to wake up the rest of the town, not just the neighbors, might not be so disturbing.


  13. bee: An imposter! Even worse, a copyright infringer! Well, that just TICKS me off (revenge scenarios begin to coalesce).

    IITQ:With 90% of the presenters being volunteers, FMR doesn’t actually need a comedy slot. It would be overkill, because on-air bloopers and cock-ups keep our listeners sufficiently entertained.

    beastarzmom: A fair question, one that has been much on my mind lately. It is my considered opinion that the presence of an obstruction in the nasal cavity promotes sleep. Tonight, I’m going to shove a jelly-tot up my nose and see what happens.

    sissoula: Well, some of them at any rate. I’ve never found snoring particularly endearing. Different strokes, I suppose 🙂


  14. Do you think that you could use aggravated exposure to Barney and his hyper-active, annoying as hell minions as a legitimate defence? Any court who has to sit through an episode of Barney would have to consider the potentially volatile effects this can have on one’s sanity, especially if it is compounded by sqeaky-toy accidents and snore-rage.


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