If I was Vin Diesel, I would be xXxhausted

I am sooo tired. The last time I felt this exhausted, I was in the army doing basic training. Stupid name, ‘basic training’. All they train you to do is eat absolutely anything vaguely organic and sleep standing up while holding an assault rifle. Actually, that is pretty basic, when you come down to it. Where was I? Oh yes, I am exeeding tired (note to the Grammar Nazis: I chose those words deliberately to convey a sense of how I speak sometimes, so don’t bother trying to correct my language. I will simply ignore you).

So why am I tired? Well, hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sorry, drifted off there a bit and I now have an impression of the keyboard decorating my forehead. Anyway, to return to my story, the sprog has absolutely no concept of time and wakes up at odd times during the night and starts making a racket. My wife is incapable of getting her to settle in the early hours of the morning, so this bitter cup passed to me quite some time ago. Our nocturnal bonding sessions usually involve slurred variations on the theme of, “You c’n stay ‘wake ‘f you wanna. I d’n’t care. Jus’ be f’k’n’ quiet.” The child is probably going to end up talking like a toothless vagrant when she is older, but that’s just too bad. I can manage this for five or six days at a stretch, but when the weekend comes, I need a few extra hours to catch up and feel human again.

This weekend it was not to be. This weekend, I was kept awake from about 4 a.m. each morning by various combinations of the sprog caterwauling; the neighbourhood cats attempting to harmonise with the youngster; the neighbourhood car alarms attempting to harmonise with the cats; and the old standby – my spouse snoring like an item of earth-moving equipment.

To quote my dear ol’ Dad, “Look on the bright side, son. All things come to an end and you can’t live forever.”


12 thoughts on “If I was Vin Diesel, I would be xXxhausted

  1. Aaah yes. I won’t laff ‘cos I know how horrid this can be. Won’t even offer ‘assvice’ like: Is she teething? No I won’t say that. My dear daughter didn’t sleep through till she was 10 months old and then had a period after about 1ish where she used to wake regularly (or erratically) depending on how the mood took her for about 6 months. It’s fun hey. Parenting ROCKS! I now understand why the childless amongst us look so young. I used to look about 25 – now no one is surprised to hear my age – probably think I am lying! Grrr. Hey, your dad’s right, it doesn’t last forever, just feels like it! Sterkte KN’s!


  2. I was so glad when my son started to sleep until 6. I’m even more glad that he currently sleeps until 9, or 10 if we’re lucky.

    Your day will come (eventually), promise!

    Now if only I can do something about that darned dog of mine, who hears the neighbours moving, gets all excited and tries to tug the bedding off the bed at unearthly hours…


  3. Yes. She truly is a girl, then, eh. Pain in the backside from such an early age. I shudder to think ahead. Cherish these nights, and dread the teen years. At least right now, she’s keeping you awake but you know where she is…
    My words of comfort.


  4. bee: I so understand. If one more person asks me, “So how old is your granddaughter?” I am going to commit bloody murder.

    michelle: When she’s older, I’m really going to enjoy kicking her out of bed for school. Any protests will be met with “When you were a baby, you couldn’t wait to get up in the morning” every single time. Muwahahaha!

    anne: Far be it from me to criticise, but you should ask for your money back on that ‘Empathy 101’ course.


  5. How can I respond when I’m not even allowed to ask how old she is? 🙂 All I can offer is my sympathy. I have one that slept through at 8 weeks and one who didn’t until he was 14 months. Go figure. You need to learn the value of the power nap. Fortunately I lived in Greece for a year and so had my nap training (better than basic) before I had kids.


  6. And that pretty much put an end to any parental instincts I may have had.
    I love my sleep… especially on weekends. How about engaging her in physical activities during the day that will tire her out by bedtime?


  7. It would seem I snore much like your wife. What’s up with that? I thought boys were supposed to snore, and the girls were to look all peaceful and beautiful and stuff.

    It should be in our genes.

    Anyway, I’m sorry you didn’t get to sleep in. I do think, though, that it’s sweet that you are the morning guy with the Sprog. 🙂 If that is, like, any sort of consolation to you.


  8. I’m afraid I’m also a snorer. It doesn’t bother me though…

    So what you’re finally admitting is what I guessed all along – death is preferable to toddlers!


  9. andrea: They all have their own quirks. If there was a catch-all method for dealing with sleeping issues, I’m pretty sure someone would have stumbled on it by now.

    chitty: Ahahahaha! Chitty – you are such an innocent, you have restored my faith in humanity 🙂

    Zube Girl: I agree, the whole snoring thing rather detracts from the ‘feminine mystique’. It’s a bit like when a cat walks into a door – unexpected, but strangely hilarious. I was very surprised to hear that so many girly types snore like industrial chainsaws.

    terri: Absolutely. I’ve said it before – kids exist for the sole purpose of taking away any fear of death that we may have.


  10. The little fockers love to mess you around. Selfish bastards. Apparently they do sleep. Some day. Not sure when. Don’t ask me, I am too tired from waking up several times last night.


  11. delboy: A fine plan (although I suspect I may have trouble getting that to lodge in my fatigue-befuddled memory).

    tertia: I heard that rumour, too. Sounds like an Urban Legend to me.


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