Little Miss Muffet

I have arachnophobia. Not just common or garden arachnophobia, mind you. My fear extends to anything vaguely spider-esque. If it walks like a spider and quacks like a spider, it’s probably going to cause icicles of dread to form on my testicles. A couple of weeks ago I nearly dislocated my shoulder and ruined a perfectly good pair of jeans when I encountered a large dust-bunny under the bed during a toy-retrieval exercise. Rubber spiders work really well on me.

Oddly enough, if I know for certain that the scuttling (or hairy) thing isn’t arachnoid in nature, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. For example, a roach running across the floor may cause an initial squawk of horror (and temporary shutdown of my central nervous system), but once I’ve identified it correctly, my vision clears and I can set about planning a search-and-destroy mission.

As luck would have it, I have a tiny spider living in the frame of my garage door. It could easily fit on my fingernail and there would still be space for a whole chorus line of pin-dancing angels, so it isn’t exactly terrifying. Nevertheless – every morning, when I put my key in the lock, this eight-legged sadist dashes out from hiding and scares me silly. This is why I’m always jittery in the traffic. Who needs coffee?

I suppose I could ‘take care’ of the Lurking Garage Monster, but I am reluctant to do so. Apart from the useful niche that my diminutive tormentor occupies in the food chain, I have the niggling fear that word may get out and Big Momma Spider (with venomous fangs and a penchant for human flesh) may drop in one night for some payback.

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26 thoughts on “Little Miss Muffet

  1. michelle: Wild guess, eh? There’s no way this side of eternity I would subject myself to that.

    anne: Deal! It’ll be a sort of insectoid cultural exchange programme.

    chitty: You know what they say – “Time’s fun when you’re having flies”.

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  2. I admire your ability to add humor to describe your phobia. My fear is so intense I’m just a smidgen away from being placed in a rubber room at a mental health facility. I’m even having trouble writing this comment.

    In my eyes you are brave!

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  3. I don’t like spiders, but they do eat alot of other creepy crawlies that I don’t like either. So that’s a plus for the spider side.

    Roaches, especially the huge ones that can fly like we have here in Florida, are nothing but pests. I hate them more than spiders.

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  4. If it’s any consolation, I killed a spider this morning.

    I hate insects. Period. Scarey. Cute. Who cares. Any insect in the home is…erm…yuck. Never, ever be without Doom and tissue paper. Squash.

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  5. brilliant, LOL funny! love reading your posts. i love spiders, i’m the person who picks them up and gently places them outside if there’s a danger of them getting squished… and i don’t kill them- EVER!

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  6. Normally I don’t mind spiders but those hand-sized rubber-looking monsters we get in SA freak the living daylights out of me. (I refer to them as rain-spiders but I don’t know if that’s correct.) All I know is they travel in pairs & if you find one in your house, it’s mate is likely to follow within days. They make my blood run cold & I get all squeaky.
    One took up residence in my Tupperware cupboard once, so I just closed the door & decided not to open it again. Ever.
    Until the next time a man was in the house & I bribed him with coffee to get rid of it.
    Eeeeuw!!!!
    My advice? Doom the bastard!

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  7. I love spiders but have the same irrational reactions to snakes and objects that look like snakes. I’ve had near heart attacks brought on by things like string and dark pieces of hay.

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  8. I feel ya’. I live on the lake and we have a large amount of spiders. All sorts. Blech. I’ve found them in my bedroom (there will be no sleep ), in my hair while driving (there will be no staying on the road; or dry underwear for that matter) and lurking in my mailbox waiting to gnaw off my hand. In light of all that I once (voluntarily) held a tarantula and still can’t bring myself to squish them. I’m convinced it will either survive and come back to kill me or send word to the others and I’ll be carried away in my sleep by legions of arachnids only to wake in a jar with flies as my only food. I really, really hate spiders.

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  9. Do you think they suffer from a fear of humans? Maybe they know just how much they freak us out and it’s become this big spider conspiracy thing where they will all raise up one day, scare us all to death and then take over the world. Just a thought.

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  10. I don’t mind spiders *too* much unless they build their web across the doorway. I leave for work when it’s still dark, and I am in a condition only barely qualifying for awake. A face full of web is not needed at that time of day!

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  11. The infamous “spider family” fear from childhood still grips me too.

    I love how you tell these little anecdotes. Your writing is so animated!

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  12. maryrose: Phobias are strange things aren’t they? I’m certainly glad you did take the time to comment 🙂

    cube: I’m not too fond of roaches either, but I’m not actually frightened of them. Note to all roaches reading this (yes, you know who you are): this is not an invitation to move in, okay?

    eKapa: Big Momma’s gonna getcha!

    andrea: It all comes down to the numbers: The number of roach bites I’ve ever endured: nil.

    angel: You should offer a humane spider removal service. I think that’s a niche market just waiting to be exploited.

    terri: You were able to bribe the dude with Coffee? Is that a euphemism for ‘sexual fantasy number 73’, maybe? There’s no way I would take on a spider with only coffee as a reward.

    heather: I think we’re on a similar wavelength 🙂

    IITQ: I’m sure that all the arachnophiles look forward to that one. I’m in two minds: interest vs terror.

    livewire: Little bastards. They’re like eight-legged stalkers – it’s fine if they stay in the bushes, but once they start to come into your house, things get ugly.

    christopher: It looks like you’re in good company.

    ZG: Uh oh! You’re going to have to dial back the stomach-hurting activities a notch or two until the Zube zygote is livin’ large.

    anduin: LOL. Sounds like a movie-of-the-week plot to me. Get writing!

    sophie: I’m guessing you’re no relation to Robert the Bruce.

    tj: There is a theory that this near-universal xenophobia stems from the fact that spiders are descended from a race of aliens. There is another theory that the alien theory is a load of bollocks.

    funlearning: Looks like it’s full body-armour time.

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  13. “quacks like a spider” where do you get this??? Damn you’re good!!!

    As for the little creature in your garage – he gives you a free “rush” every morning. NO amount of coffee can do that. Me thinks he deserves to live!! Mind you, they tend to make me weak in the knees too!!!

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  14. I love the way you write! There was another blog last week where the writer told about doing the “spider dance” when she accidentally came face to face with a large web and got caught in it….LOL….havent we all done that?

    I found you at Michele’s.

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