…for tomorrow we diet!

You know that point near the end of the horror movie where the psycho / monster / whatever has been arrested / dispatched / whatever and all the survivors is doing the whole “well, thank goodness that’s all over [nervous chuckles all round]” thing? Of course, it isn’t really over yet and you just know that there are at least one or two final “Yaaah!” moments still to come.

Well, just as my wife’s soup-madness finally seemed to be tapering off (and I was getting ready to breath a well-deserved sigh of relief), she announced that she was going to start a ‘programme of healthy eating’. Yaaah! For the uninitiated, this is code for ‘diet’ in my wife’s vocabulary and it is not a good thing. Not a good thing at all!

You see, my dear spouse has difficulty following diets for any length of time. Most diets start off well with a tasty meal of rice cakes, celery and tap water and generally last until the first hunger-pangs kick in. Shortly thereafter she will seek out and inhale every molecule of food within the confines of the flat (it’s usually best to lock the baby away during these times). Once the food supply has been utterly exhausted, the guilt sets in. This is often accompanied by mumbled accusations of how easy* it is for me to lose weight. This, in turn, is followed by a stern resolution to adhere to ‘the programme’ from this day forth etc, etc. Sure. The next day, the diet starts off well with a tasty meal of rice cakes, celery and tap water…

* Easy? Easy? I have to wire my jaw shut when I go shopping so I won’t be tempted to binge in the check-out aisle. I have to do about a million sit-ups before a single pound will grudgingly drop from my gut. Easy, my foot!

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21 thoughts on “…for tomorrow we diet!

  1. And I’m guessing that while she’s on her diet (the term “healthy eating” is a cunning plan designed by women to fool their minds into believing that they’re NOT on a diet, because everyone knows that as soon as you go on diet, you get hungrier than you have ever been before) she turns into the Wife From Hell. Much like a woman who’s just given up her 40-a-day smoking habit.
    I know I do.
    Good luck!

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  2. There’s gonna be hell to pay when the hunger pains set in.
    Of course you could go on diet with her. You know… a tasty meal of rice cakes, celery and tap water. Tasty… very tasty.

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  3. paul: Good advice. It applies to running, too. I’ll be doing a lot of that, soon.

    terri: Pretty good guess, terri 🙂

    chitty: It almost goes without saying that I’ll be going on diet with her.

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  4. Ok, if I followed her ‘plan’, I’d be dead. Dead I tell you! I hate rice… it is the confetti of the devil! Blech! Rice cakes are hell’s version of popcorn, which I don’t like either. In case you don’t have the strength to post again…. it has been fabulous knowing you.

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  5. You have discovered the secret: You can’t complain about your spouses cooking, unless you want to spend the next few weeks in front of the stove.
    Only tonight, I had to (diplomatically) say to Neen that I appreciated the efforts she had gone to in making supper. I really do, but I also don’t like chicken casserole. I just don’t.

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  6. Crap. All you need to do is take her and your credit card down to Lady Chatterley’s Chamber or Kink, get her some drop-dead gorgeous goodies and tell her how beautiful she is. Firstly, no women can fail to feel divine in decadent slips of nothing; secondly, sexcercise is the best form of fitness by far. All she needs is some whipped cream, and all thoughts of diets will be erased.

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  7. Lucy McG: Still here, but it’s early days yet, so don’t hold your breath. The supreme irony is that I like rice cakes. They are one of my favourite snack foods.

    pj: You may be on to something there. You’ll have to come up with a catchy name first before you can publish the book, though.

    scott: I do the cooking in Casa Kyknoord on alternate days, so I am no stranger to the stove. I usually have to dial back my creative urges during Operation Healthy Eating, because most things that taste good are fattening.

    anne: Deleted? WTF? It wasn’t me, so it must be Blogger playing silly-buggers again.

    tj: No other option, really. As long as there isn’t any outside interference to prolong the cycle, it will eventually grind to a halt on its own.

    rox: Been there. Didn’t work.

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  8. Hmm I tried the Kellogs Special K ‘healthy eating plan’ and it works EXCEPT you have to re-engineer the contents of your kitchen cupboard and buy weird stuff like salmon steaks (WHO eats those on a daily basis I ask you!?) Anyway I did lose 5kg in one month but guess what? Then it was Christmas and hey we gotta eat and be merry, so I did and now they’re all back those 5kgs. Sob. Oh sorry, am ranting. Good luck to you and Mrs KN

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  9. bee: Salmon steaks notwithstanding, 5kg in a month is impressive. It’s a bit of a pain when it comes home to roost again, but at least you know you’ve done it once.

    cube: No such luck, my hexahedral friend. It was just a regular weekend in our part of the world.

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  10. Have you guys ever tried fit for life?? It is so simple. Fruit in the morning. Proteins for lunch and Carbs for supper. Or other way around. Just don’t mix your proteins and Carbs. Don’t eat after 8h00 at night and before 6h00 in the morning. Lots of water but not too much. And of course, regular exercise. I lost 5kg’s in 2 weeks. Still 10 to go.

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  11. buddess: Is it just me, or is there an echo in here? Regarding your suggestion, I’ll run it past Mrs K. If she chases after it, then that will take care of the exercise component.

    delboy: Still here. Yes indeedy – it’ll take more than one of my wife’s stupid diets to do me in. It says ‘made of sterner stuff’ right here on my business card.

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