Never say diet

I am not in the habit of closely monitoring my wife’s food intake. As far as I’m concerned, what she chooses to put in her mouth is her own affair. If she burps discreetly and says, “I’m really stuffed, I ate too much”, I have no reason to disbelieve her. Similarly, when she shuffles forlornly about the flat with downcast eyes, occasionally muttering, “I’m soooo hungry…” I can only assume that dinner was less than satisfying (and that her ‘healthy eating programme’ continues unabated).

When I suggested that she do something to take her mind off that empty feeling (after all, she has numerous interests), she responded mournfully, “But eating is my real hobby! All those other things are just window dressing. Mmmmm dressing…”. At this juncture, I noticed that there were gnaw marks on the furniture and she had a worrying gleam in her eye, so I decided to make a graceful exit and hid in the study.

Fortunately I am a light sleeper, so I should be able to thwart any attempts to slice bits off me for a tasty midnight snack.

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16 thoughts on “Never say diet

  1. My sympathy is with Mrs KN on this one I’m afraid. I know what it’s like to be hungry. It happens to me roughly every 3 1/2 hours. Thank goodness I have a high metabolism else I’d be the size of a house, I’m sure.
    Feed the poor woman, Kyknoord! Give her something non-fattening … or at least tell her it’s non-fattening… if she’s hungry enough, she’ll believe you and eat it so then you won’t be in danger of being eaten in the night. Hm. Nope, I’m not gonna go there.
    thppl – The People […as in me – I am the people. Word verification, if ur confused ;-)]

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  2. I’d watch what I say around the house if I were you. 😉
    That said… perhps mrs KN needs a little affirmation from you that she is doing this for her own good.

    [husvny – ancient hungarian for a state of extreme hunger as in; Mrs KN was husvny and took a huge bite out of mr KN’s ear]

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  3. IITQ: “Another case of self-mutilation, Doctor. Claims his wife did it.”

    terri: Don’t think me unsympathetic, but this is something she wants to do.

    anne: I worked hard on my figure, dammit! I’m not going to just let people lop bits off whenever the mood strikes.

    chitty: I’m not sure if ‘good’ is the correct word. It’s probably safer to stick to watching what I say. It does not do to antagonise the hungry.

    [bgmyfaq – Bigamy frequently asked questions]

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  4. Eventually the hunger goes away. Although that may be considered unconsciousness… Just be wary if she has condiments lined up on the nightstand. Might want to sleep elsewhere that night; behind a locked door.

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  5. KN, you just need to keep telling her how great she looks. It’ll take her mind off how ‘good’ you look (when she’s hungry that is)!

    [akimco – Alaskan Ice Making Company?]

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  6. livewire: Yup. And if she offers to give me a massage with barbeque sauce, I need to run really fast.

    paintingchef: Something along the lines of a re-enactment of the movie ‘Alive’, maybe?

    sophie: Best of luck to you. As long as you don’t start visualising your pets with apples in their mouths, you’ll be fine.

    delboy: “Ah sweetheart, what big eyes you have.” That sort of thing?

    tj: That cookie line idea could just work. Just to be safe, I’m going to get an expired ‘sell-by’ date tattoo. That should also give her pause.

    mandy: Or a Hannibal Lecter-style mask might do the trick 🙂

    [gypracr: – Gypsy racer]

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  7. i’m trying to avoid making an xrated comment regarding this post, but really, the mind wonders as the thought of midnight sausage cravings. perhaps a good old “munchy”is not a bad idea after all.

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