Fee Fie Phone Fun

I am simply amazed at the number of people who either forget why they have called me the instant I answer the phone, or – even worse – can’t even remember who they were supposed to have been phoning. Call me weird, but I’m of the opinion that if you don’t have this key information on hand when you start dialling, then you shouldn’t be using the phone in the first place! I can forgive the occasional lapse, but this sort of thing happens way too often to be a coincidence. It is either proof that cellphones eat your brains, or that the majority of individuals who phone me at work are congenital idiots.

I may be paid to suffer fools, but I definitely don’t have to do so gladly. Consequently, I made a policy decision that as long as I am going to have my day interrupted by cretins, I will have my sport with them. My boss informed me earlier that he received a complaint about my telephone etiquette. My goodness! Imagine that! Could he possibly be referring to this conversation?:

[phone rings]
“Where am I now?”
“How the fuck should I know? Try looking around to see if anything looks familiar. If that doesn’t sort you out, phone the emergency services.”
“I’m sorry?”
“No need to apologise. Glad to help. Have a spectacular day”


22 thoughts on “Fee Fie Phone Fun

  1. LOL! My fave incident of this sort was when a Telkom employee called me and spent about 10 minutes trying to convince me that I was Mr I Nthabiseng and I DID in fact order and ADSL line. Uhm no, in fact that wasn’t me. Snort.

    dppiegyt: Dippy git – one who phones and can’t remember why – mwahahahaha – thanks blogger for those brill words!


  2. What I like is when people call the wrong number and sound like I have the wrong address. “Hi, Jeff?” No. Wrong number. “Oh, really?” Yeah, I think I’d know if I was a guy named Jeff. “So this is not 12345678?” No, but well done, you’ve just sussed the wrong-number concept. “Huh. (Hangs up.)” Yeah. Bye to you too.


  3. WRONG IDIOT, YOU NUMBER!!! Is my favorite for a wrong number caller, and as far as the “hello, where am I now” I have answered, “I really dont know cos I cannot see you.” But the “try looking around to see if anything looks familair” one is brilliant, I will definitely try that one in future. BTW, I came here from Angels site, like yours too.


  4. Uh, wait… there was something wrong with your phone etiquette? Huh. I thiught it was perfectly sensible. And how would you know where they were?

    hazmnuz as in “you has m’nuz, gimme a ring”


  5. LOL! That’s priceless! Although I must confess, I have done it myself – phoned someone, gotten distracted while the phone is ringing and then forgotten who I phoned and why.
    It’s why I keep my hair blonde.


  6. I know it’s a bit different, but once I got a telemarketer that almost cried on the phone because I wouldn’t let her finish her script. I knew what she was advertizing and I really wasn’t interested. By saying that, she almost busted out into tears. It was weird.


  7. Are you lookng for a job? I mean, you’d have to move to another country, but my General Manager KICKS BUTT.

    She once told me when I called her after-hours about a whiney *cough* lying *cough* guest at our hotel to tell them to “Kiss our @$$ and leave if they want to, but they’re not getting a f-ing refund.”

    The person who called you deserved to be treated like a moron. Have you ever gotten the ones where as soon as you pick up the phone they say, “Who are you?” all demanding and whatnot? Umm, who did you CALL? Sometimes I pretend we have a bad connection, say “what?” a few times, and then hang up.


  8. bee: I can just picture it: “No really, I have a mirror with me, so I’m pretty sure…”

    anne: LOL. I was at school with a girl who used to say, “Sorry, wrong number. Can I take a message?”

    spookie: …wrong idiot… – that’s a good one 🙂 [files away for future use]

    chitty: I get that a lot, too. My response is usually something in the vein of “Jimmy Rusputin / Lord Vader / Centurion Mangopopis, Senor Onion”, depending on my mood. And you know what? It doesn’t make a damned bit of difference.

    livewire: Oh man, just give me a minute to get over your new ID pic… That’s just brilliant!

    terri: Oh no! Let’s hope it isn’t too late. Wrap your head in foil immediately before the cellphone waves eat more of your brain.

    livewire: AI caramba! You’re on a roll, Mlle McG.

    juliana: As you say – weird. You need to have a thick skin to be a telemarketer. If a person saying “no” moves you to tears, then you need to seriously consider a career change.

    ZG: Whoohoo! My application is in the post.


  9. That is bad/annoying/irritating but at least when they do remember who you are, you probably don’t have to deal with them getting your name wrong just a few minutes after calling you.

    My surname is Fitz-Patrick but I’m constantly being called Fitzgerald within minutes of them having heard my name or even after they have rung me up saying ,’Hello, is that Mr Fitz-Patrick?’

    Talk about off-pissing!


  10. I know the feeling KN. And it happens in the pub too. People come to the bar, wait to be served and when their turn comes and you ask them what they want, the cat gets their tongue.

    “Ummm, what beers do you have?”
    “Doh, you’ve been waiting at the bar for 5 minutes, staring into the fridges which are 2 feet away! Are you fecking blind!!”

    I guess their excuse is pickled brain from too much alcohol!

    dbvhsl double visioned arshh hole (with a slur)


  11. My daddy taught me to ALWAYS answer the “Who is this” question (when someone calls you and instead of even saying “Hello” they just bust right out with “Who is this”) with “Who wants to know?”

    Works well for me.

    And I LOOOOVE when wrong number callers argue with you. SO much fun!!!


  12. My father had had a particularly difficult day, and when the phone rang, he answered, “This better not be a telemarketer!” The response was a meek, “I’m sorry.” followed by a hang up. I’ve never remembered to use that one.


  13. reluctant nomad: That sounds like the equivalent of somebody who still manages to spell your name incorrectly even after you’ve sent them your details a dozen times. Exceedingly annoying.

    del: It’s a pity they don’t make a beer called ‘Uur’ or ‘Uhm’, because then you’d be able to get through a lot more customers: “What can I get for you?” “Er…” “Coming right up! There you go. Who’s next?”

    flo: Ah, but maybe not so much lack of interest, but excitement over your little embryo that diverts your thoughts.

    tj: Sadly, many of the dialing idiots work here. This is probably why they have steadfastly refused to activate the voicemail function on our system.

    jessafran: Fortunately, I am seldom at my desk at 3 a.m, so you’re off the hook, as far as I’m concerned.

    paintingchef: Your daddy sounds like a wise man. His advice has now been adopted internationally.

    sophie: I wonder if it was the same telemarketer that Juliana reduced to tears?


  14. I wish I could do that.
    Closest I come is this kind of conversation:
    Customer: where can I get a book on sharks in Spanish?
    Me: Er… Spain?


  15. paul: I agree. It’s only fair that I share.

    anon: My wife works in retail, so she has to deal with that sort of thing all the time. If the customer is always right, does this mean that ‘right’ is a euphemism for ‘an idiot’?


  16. My favorite folks are the ones who call (invariably during a ball game or some TV show you’re really into) and then ask, “Who is this?” Ummm, you called me, why don’t you identify your damn self first, you farking clueless asswit.


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