I have realised that you don’t need booze to act drunk. I’m not sure whether this is a startling revelation to anyone else, but it rather caught me by surprise. You see, I have been sober since 1992*, so the number of spectacularly stupid things I have done in recent years has almost dropped to nil. While this means I no longer provide free entertainment to the people who know me, it also means I don’t have to explain why I borrowed someone’s car to steal road signs and lawn ornaments at two in the morning any more.
Those with sharp eyes would have notice that I used the word ‘almost’ in the third sentence of the paragraph above. Go ahead and check. I’ll wait. The upshot of this is that there are those rare times when I behave as if I’ve been out on a serious bender. The other night, I was delayed at work, so I went straight to rehearsal and skipped dinner. Of course, I was ravenous when I finally got home at about 11 p.m, but when I opened the fridge, I was greeted with great vistas of emptiness. A lone tumbleweed forlornly rolling across the vegetable rack would have completed the effect, but as I said, I don’t drink any more.
I didn’t have much better luck with the cupboards. The only thing that saved me from the definitive Old Mother Hubbard moment, was a solitary can of peri-peri pilchards lurking at the back of the shelf above the oven. “Ah! Perfect”, thought I, as I sought out the can-opener and then proceeded to eat the fishy contents with great relish.
Several hours later, when I was finally able to peel my burning backside off the toilet seat, several things occured to me. The first was that the term ‘ring sting’ is only funny at a remove; the second was that my wife isn’t too keen on spicy food; the third was that I have no recollection at all of ever buying peri-peri pilchards; and finally, it is entirely possible that the offending can was left in the flat by the previous owners – five years ago.
* There’s a long and dull story behind the reason, which I don’t feel like going into right now.