Intestinal incidentals

My wife seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom. Specifically, on the toilet. More specifically, firing off chocolate missiles. Lately, I have noticed that practically every time I need to use the bathroom, it is occupied. On the plus side, at least the seat is always warm, which is a nice bonus in winter.

When I first became aware of the present situation, I was concerned that my spouse was severely constipated or had chronic dysentery – or some improbable combination of the two. Subtle enquiries (“Sweetie, have you got the squirts?” [muffled cursing]) have revealed that she is at the peak of health and that her digestive tract functions like a well-oiled machine, thank you very much.

Look, I enjoy a good sojourn in the smallest of rooms like most people, but my dear wife has managed to turn this into an art form. It would appear that she’s evolved some sort of incremental release mechanism which allows her to make as many visits to the facilities as suits her fancy. I’m going to have to check the ‘Hobbies and Interests’ section of her CV to see whether she’s added ‘recreational defecation’ to the list.

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24 thoughts on “Intestinal incidentals

  1. Oh well, at least it’s chocolate missiles and not sh!t bombs. It just proves she is a real woman. (uuuhh, maybe she has a bit of IBS – irritated bowel syndrome)
    Or ISS – irritated spouse syndrome – wont she be ticked if she knows you are telling everyone about her bowel movements?
    You have no shame!
    I know I would be mortified – I have never even farted in front of my hubby (never will either) – and if he had to ask me about my toilet routine I would probably turn beet red, and run away to the nearest lockable room. HA HA!!!

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  2. If she’s anything like me, she’s got a pile of magazines/books next to the Great White Throne, and toilet-time is the only time she’ll get to peruse them in peace!

    If she’s not like me, then you could be right about some sort of toiletry obsession…

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  3. Oh won’t she be thrilled when she finds out you’ve been blabbing?
    (I have an antique Game Boy in the loo. I could stay there for ever – no activity necessary)

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  4. Hmm. I have to agree with Spookie. I like to pretend I don’t have any sort of bowel movements, leave the room to poop (hate the word fart). Maybe Mrs KN has discovered that the toilet has a lovely calm and peace (and childlessness) about it. Think I may copy her clever idea.

    lxkgh: Grunting noise made while spending vast amounts of time on toilet.

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  5. V v funny.

    But OMG I would totally kill you if you were my husband! Discussing my poo’ing habits with all the Internets – bad KN, v v bad.

    V funny though.

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  6. spookie: You are quite correct: I have no shame. You may be relieved to know that my wife never reads any blogs at all, mine included. She thinks blogs are creatures from The Lord of the Rings.

    michelle: If she does have a stash of magazines, she keeps them hidden in the cistern.

    anne: No doubt, but I have no intention of telling her.

    bee: The ‘tranquility’ aspect is a distinct possibility – the sound of running water, the cool atmosphere, the complete absence of toddlers…

    buddess: I have no idea what (else) she does in there, but I do know that she doesn’t take the phone with her.

    tertia: As per my reply to Spookie – I’m relying on her blissful ignorance in this regard. If she does finds out, any place that doesn’t have a toilet should be a safe place to hide.

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  7. Lucky for you, although I dont think you would be able to hide anywhere if she did know, you could become the target for some very well aimed “chocolte missiles”

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  8. ‘I made a little brown fish.’ said with eyes wide and amazed voice. That won’t mean anything to you unless you’ve seen the film of ‘The League of Gentlemen’. It may not have shown in SA since the TV series only showed on Mnet.

    Apparently the drains in my CT house blocked last weekend. My wife says that the driveway was festooned with turds and toilet paper – she wasn’t pleased to be reminded of what happens on the toilet.

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  9. spookie: Now that’s an image that will take time to dislodge.

    nomad: “…festooned with turds…” – that’s poetic, man.

    chitty: Not quite, but “pillow talk in the Kyknoord boudoir” sounds like an excellent idea for a blog entry.

    paul: Let’s hope the reverse isn’t true.

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  10. Well.. it’s healthy to doop regularly. However, I didn’t think more then once or twice a day. Good to know you’re wife is advanced in that category – heh.

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  11. andrea: That’s why MPs are full of…

    krissy: Very advanced 🙂

    IDMTL: You’re telling me!

    livewire: You never know what will fly in today’s corporate environment. After all, ‘power naps’ are well established. Who knows what the next trend will be?

    morris: Oh, I know that. There are easier ways, surely?

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  12. oh she is SO going to kill you if she ever finds out. my loo is also my refuge sometimes… most times when i come out both the cats and the teenager are waiting right outside the door to bombard me with their newest list of demands!

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