Et two, Brute?

I met someone today. Me. Very weird, to say the least, because although he was vaguely familiar, I actually didn’t recognise him at all.

I’ve been trying to find some clarity in the murk of my crumbling marriage, but without too much success. If communication is the key, then I’ve been using a wire coat hanger for the past few years – it gets the job done, but not without causing damage and pain every so often. Eventually, the door breaks. In short, I’m a big, fat liar. It’s been so long since I’ve been honest with anyone (myself included) about any damned thing that matters, I’ve almost completely forgotten how it’s done.

I have been forced to recognise that there are dual aspects to my personality. At the reception desk, there is the dashing, debonair, devil-may-care dude. Meanwhile, in the back room, lurks a twitching, neurotic mass of issues, peering out of the dark places with narrowed, suspicious eyes – always ducking out of sight should anyone glance in his direction. These fellows are not friends, but up until recently, they’ve had a kind of uneasy truce going where only one of them would be in control of the switchboard at any given time. Now the bastards are trying to operate it simultaneously and it’s all very confusing.

To illustrate – things have finally reached the stage where I’ve had to instruct my lawyer to initiate divorce proceedings. Light Side shakes his head, wipes away a small tear and sniffs, “How sad”, but at the very same time, Dark Side laughs, paints his arse blue and bellows, “FREEEEEEDOM!” Getting these two to play nicely is going to be difficult.

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25 thoughts on “Et two, Brute?

  1. A big part of my IITQ theory of psychology is recognising the people that we are and were.

    I have spent a long time coming to grips with the kid that I was and, in my mind, going back and forgiving him. So that I can move on.

    The people that I am is more difficult. Because there are those that are weak and bad and need to be told they don’t have a role in my life and those that are good and that need to be given more time.

    Good luck. Those of us doomed to massive introspection will understand where you are right now.

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  2. KN said “….lurks a twitching, neurotic mass of issues, peering out of the dark places with narrowed, suspicious eyes..”

    Honey – I think that person lurks in all of us – DEFINITELY in me. The trick is to know that we are dualistic – that life is not about black and white and to try and celebrate the shades of grey.

    Sorry about the divorce thing. Never having been married, can’t relate but I have had enough break ups to know it’s never fun. Hope you and all concerned come out of it ok.

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  3. I guess you’re quite beside yourself, aren’t you…
    LOL! You’ve described all of this really well, hang in there Dude, you’ll be fine once the 3 of you get to know each other again.

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  4. You know KN, you are going to experience all kinds of mixed emotions at this point. I cannot say that I know what you are going through – but I have seen many people near and dear to me experience the pain of divorce, I am sorry you have to too. And I know that inside of all of us there is a person we only show to some people, I also know that most people on the internet get to “see” us at our most honest and real – cause we feel safe in a way. I will be praying for you and your family.

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  5. IITQ: “…doomed to massive introspection…” really says it all, doesn’t it?

    paul: A rollercoaster ride, eh? As in, lots of screaming and the constant urge to puke? Sounds about right.

    bee: Thanks Bee 🙂 That is going to form the basis of my “well fuck you, I’m normal” argument when people give me uphill about this.

    terri: Hah! Indeed I am.

    banquo: There’s simply no way it’s going to be easy and thank you, btw.

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  6. I’ve seen people around me go through divorce but I’ve never understood the process or what it does to people. So I’ll spare you the worthless semi-insight and just wish you goodluck.

    P.S. I think you’ll be better off with Light Side behind the wheel. Just saying.

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  7. I wish you and your family healing. Divorce hurts, no way around it. (If there was I would have found it) Time helps and eventually heals. My best to you as you go thru this difficult time.

    3T

    PS. TJ at Zazzafooky recommended you as a quality Manblog. She’s right. Wonderful writing.

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  8. You have a talent for metaphor and a sharp wit. You could get a phoenix out of this one day if you continue to write about it. There’s definitely a lot of us out here who appreciate that kind of approach and would welcome the lemonade you make out of lemons if you ever care to write about it more formally. I’d be the first to purchase Kyknoord’s great South African novel. Meantime, keep a clear head … but have a drink if you need it.

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  9. “I’m with you as far as making a clean break goes. Sometimes it’s better that way. I hope the hurt starts to ebb soon.”

    This was the advice you gave me on my blog. Now I’m giving it back to you. It seems as if it’s the season for breakups. I wish you the best of luck. It hurts but time heals all.

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  10. Maybe in working together, they’ll learn to like each other? Maybe Dark Side needs to be in the light for a little bit? At least, I went through a phase where I had to let out drunk, sad, stupid girl so she wouldn’t feel like a hidden secret festering away inside.

    I only tried that after having run away from her, but she somehow managed to follow me from Jersey to Colorado. You can’t escape yourself, I guess.

    Take care. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

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  11. Let the bullshit go, or at least try to. It seems like you’ve been struggling for so long that you might want to embrace your Dark side for a while. You’ve got plenty of time.

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  12. I am prone to bizarre bouts of self loathing/adoration. I guess I can’t quite put myself in your shoes, but I still hope that you manage to find a secure place in the middle of all the tug-o-warring.
    I find children help to keep me real. That, and the reality check of a bad hangover.

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  13. Dark Side should be allowed out every once in a while, otherwise he’ll barge out screaming with a chainsaw when he can’t stand being locked in anymore.
    Unless you’ve always dreamt of using a chainsaw, of course. Then…

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  14. It may be one hell of a ride. But it’s your ride; enjoy what you can of it. Reacquaint yourself with you. Just like any relationship when you introduce two people or personalities, you need to work at it. And I want a picture on this blog of the blue arse…

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  15. boudica: That’s quite a trick.

    lisa: Thanks. And to you, too.

    3T: Time… Yup. Plenty of that. P.S. Thanks 🙂

    sophie: Marriage is a bit like smoking. An acquired habit, but damned difficult to give up just like that.

    andrea: You make me blush. BTW, I think I’ll try and stick to the clear head for now.

    juliana: I think we’re on a similar wavelength. Strength.

    zube girl: Who knows? I have to live with these idiots and I haven’t the foggiest.

    tj: As you say. I couldn’t agree more.

    wenchy: There’s a T-shirt? Cool!

    scott: I think I’ll pass on the hangover. That’s a bit too much reality for me at the moment.

    dr o2: I wasn’t all that fond of Roxette to begin with.

    anne: Chainsaw? Hmmm….

    livewire: As soon as I figure out how to upload metaphorical pictures, I shall do so.

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  16. I hate quoting songs (really I do) but sometimes they already say what we’re thinking – and maybe that’s why we find solace when listening to certain songs… here goes:

    “When you want it the most there’s no easy way out
    When you’re ready to go and your heart’s left in doubt
    Don’t give up on your faith
    Love comes to those who believe it
    And that’s the way it is”

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