Vibrato

I may have mentioned that I have weird neighbours. If you consider the Nigerian crime lords; the religious nuts; and the serial killer next door, you might be forgiven for thinking that the song ‘Neighborhood‘ by Space was penned for the area where I live.

Lately, I have been bothered by mysterious, silent vibrations emanating from one of the flats downstairs. If you can imagine someone with their sound system turned up to maximum, but with only the sub-woofer plugged in, it will give you an idea. At first, I thought it was someone with their sound system turned up to maximum but with only… yes, well now I’m not so sure. Actually, I think it’s high time Occam got a new razor.

I suspect the vibrations are caused by the old woman downstairs. I think she warps space with her arse. You see, the other morning as I left for work, I saw her getting her washing off the line. She’s as thin as a stick with clothes to match, but her bloomers (and they can only be described as such) were ENORMOUS. ‘Capacious’, ‘tent-like’ and ‘voluminous’ also spring to mind. How she manages to fit those things around her bony backside without foundering in a fountain of fabric can only be explained if her bum exists in multiple dimensions. QED.

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18 thoughts on “Vibrato

  1. This blog is fun and educational, I love that.
    So the vibrations would be her bum trying to communicate between the several dimensions? I’m confused.

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  2. Funny — it’s usually awesome cosmic buttocks and itty-bitty thong (reference from Disney’s ‘Aladdin’). P.S. I’m glad you’re not my neighbour and no, I’m not telling you why.

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  3. You certainley have some interesting neighbours. I have to laugh – imagine she read this blog by accident and we’re all discussing her bum! hee!

    I swear I live next door to vampires cause these people sleep all day – or disappear all day and sit and chat ALL night – not party, talk. And then we have the drummer boy down the passage who has to play his drums every saturday morning!!
    But the vibrating thing..?, aside from your theory, I can’t imagine what it is from…

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  4. Multi-dimensional Backsides and the Bloomers That Tame Them…. the next public television special on Quantum Physics? Or it could be the sound/vibration coming from her feverishly unwrapping the duct tape in an attempt to secure them to her tiny little body.

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  5. caroline: Yup. Occam would have run away screaming.

    whatalotoffun: Could be, but then she keeps her fat suit well hidden.

    anne: Nah, I think it’s gravity waves.

    andrea Oh come on, Andrea. I told you I stopped dancing naked in front of the kitchen window.

    Spookie: Stock up on the garlic – just in case. Now that I think about it, maybe you can persuade the vampires to take out the drummer boy.

    It is the question: Yes, it would be the buzz of optimism.

    LiVEwiRe: At least we haven’t advanced as far a ‘string theory’. Fear is the mind killer…

    juliana: Crack you up – geddit? Ahahahahahah!

    3T: Does that make me a buttmunch, then?

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  6. howdy kn! the vibrations are coming from the wood chipper that she keeps fired up in order to chop up stray kitties who try to camp out in her bloomers… and fyi- the bloomers are that big so they can go up and over the sagging titties too- otherwise they will hang down around her knees and she’ll fall over them!

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  7. I’ve read this post 5 times and I break out in a fit of laughter every time I do so. πŸ™‚
    M-Theory proposes that there are 11 dimensions and that the 11th dimension itself contains an infinite amount of parallel universes. Now that could explain the size of her bloomers!
    Can you imagine the chaos it is causing in the other dimesions?

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  8. angel: Ah, so they’re pantssiers, then? I noticed that the cat population was dwindling. I’d just assumed that it was the new ‘exotic’ restaurant that opened in 2nd Avenue.

    Chitty: Well technically, if you subscribe to the theory, then she’s causing an infinite amount of chaos.

    Ol’ Hoss: It would have to be a LOT of flatulence. Hmmm… could this be an alternative energy source right under my very nose?

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  9. Maybe its just layers to help gravity hold everything in place, and the final layer is a thong – take that mental picture with you for the day πŸ™‚

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