Dear No. 1 Fan
If we are to continue our stalker / stalkee relationship successfully, I think it is necessary for me to lay down at least one fundamental ground rule.
If you are going to insist on sending me lurid text messages, please do not use your boyfriend’s phone to do so – or if you absolutely cannot resist the urge, please delete the damned things before he finds them. Apart from the fact that he scares the living crap out of me, I personally have nothing against Big Bubba, so if you intend kicking the poor bastard in the nuts (either metaphorically or literally), I would prefer that you did not involve me in any significant way.
After all, there is no way on God’s green earth that I will ever be able to convince Big Bubba that I have had no hand whatsoever in instigating this sordid state of affairs. I may not be the best judge of people, but I’m pretty sure that he has anger management issues – the clenched jaw and permanent Neanderthal frown are pretty hefty clues in this regard. Consequently, I am equally certain that he wouldn’t hesitate to rearrange some of the features you seem to find so alluring.
And then we would all be unhappy.