Every breath I take

Dear No. 1 Fan

If we are to continue our stalker / stalkee relationship successfully, I think it is necessary for me to lay down at least one fundamental ground rule.

If you are going to insist on sending me lurid text messages, please do not use your boyfriend’s phone to do so – or if you absolutely cannot resist the urge, please delete the damned things before he finds them. Apart from the fact that he scares the living crap out of me, I personally have nothing against Big Bubba, so if you intend kicking the poor bastard in the nuts (either metaphorically or literally), I would prefer that you did not involve me in any significant way.

After all, there is no way on God’s green earth that I will ever be able to convince Big Bubba that I have had no hand whatsoever in instigating this sordid state of affairs. I may not be the best judge of people, but I’m pretty sure that he has anger management issues – the clenched jaw and permanent Neanderthal frown are pretty hefty clues in this regard. Consequently, I am equally certain that he wouldn’t hesitate to rearrange some of the features you seem to find so alluring.

And then we would all be unhappy.

Yours fearfully
Kyknoord

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23 thoughts on “Every breath I take

  1. Ooooh, you have an “intelligent” stalker! From what I have seen women do things like that after consuming vast quantities of alcohol and the phenomenon of “Dutch Courage” sets in. At the time it seems like such a good idea, only be regretted the next day! Sometimes there is a fine line between ‘cute’ and ‘stupid.’

    Like

  2. Surely you realize how much more detailed we need this to be.
    Surely.
    Here, let me help:
    How? When? Why? How? (again, but not the same one) When? (ditto)
    Etc.

    Like

  3. Pro & Edel: I’ll just bet you do πŸ™‚

    whatalotoffun: I have to protect the innocent along with the guilty.

    bigric: Thanks πŸ™‚

    Mandy J Watson: Of course, but the usual rules apply: $20 application fee and a picture of yourself in the nude.

    Katt: At least now I can afford to hire a bodyguard.

    Like

  4. 3T: Thanks πŸ™‚ Sadly, my cause-and-effect relationship is a bit muddled. My stalker is ignorant of my public persona.

    homo escapeons: I saw it ages ago. As you say – yikes.

    juliana: Good choice of words.

    Like

  5. Having a stalker myself, I know that they aren’t really pleasant things to have. They do, however, give much fodder for silly conversation with one’s friends. If mine didn’t stalk my blog, he’d get mention there.

    Congrats on the award!!!!!

    Like

  6. R U really being stalked?

    Now forgive me 4 this question, I really am serious, R U a guy?
    I have read several posts & have read the about U (check UR site meter)
    & I am not sure what flavor U R? HELP!!!

    Smooch,
    The Tart
    ; )

    Like

  7. Flo: It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

    Bee: Okay, maybe. I’m not promising anything, mind.

    It is the question: Want an autograph?

    LiVEwiRe: Apparently it’s quite common. At least I don’t have to worry about what my wife will think πŸ™‚

    ChuckBrown: I should be okay. They don’t allow pets in my block.

    Reluctant Nomad: Nope, not pleasant. I also think you have the right approach regarding the blog.

    The Tart: To answer your questions: yes, I am and yes, I am. Yup, definitely a guy :->

    Like

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