Are we there yet?

I’m afraid my sense of humour is going to be taking a sabbatical for a while. Last night my wife phoned me to discuss an additional demand for the divorce settlement. It’s this jolly little game we play. It works like this: She (or her lawyer) tells me what she wants. I instruct my lawyer to include it in the draft document and send it to her for approval. Enormous bill arrives in the post. Then, after a few months have gone by, she responds by telling me that it’s all fine – except – well, it’s not quite enough – there’s just one more thing…

And so we begin iteration number four. It will be interesting to see how much longer the cycle will continue. It certainly makes being run over on the freeway seem a lot less painful by comparison and my jaw muscles are getting a truly excellent workout.

I have a nasty feeling that the only settlement agreement that will actually satisfy her will be one that requires my immediate suicide with her as sole beneficiary of my estate. Quite tempting, I do confess.


25 thoughts on “Are we there yet?

  1. Maybe this has less to do with what she wants than with her actually trying to stall the divorce. Her inability to settle with you reflects an inability on her part to let go of the marriage.
    Hang in there, Kyknoord. You don’t have to make her happy anymore.


  2. Poor KN. What would happen if you said ‘no’ now and then…? She can’t always have everything her way.
    Sorry. Hope your sense of humour comes back from it’s hiking trip soon.


  3. dude- you’re going to start looking like that one actor in an american soapie who’s been married to the same chick seven hundred times… maybe that’s why his jaw looks like it does (i forget their names, probably something like storm or prick or glass or something)!


  4. It seems to be a seasonal thing. My ex has also been problematic for the last few days.

    Just say “No!” and resign yourself to the fact that, for a while, you are in a position that allows her to get to you. You can always say yes later, if the heat gets too much.

    Oh, and Mrs Kyknoord, if you are reading this, give it a frikkin rest, OK honey?


  5. I was going to play ‘the suicide card’ but you beat me to it. The only thing is to become a refugee and flee the country. There’s a really lumpy fold-out sofa in my studio. You’re welcome to it, but there’s no bathroom down there, so I’ll have to give you a cup I’m afraid.

    Suddenly bowing to her every whim seems the lesser of the evils, doesn’t it?

    But seriuosly, I do hope this ends for you sooner rather than later. It’s like a scab that keeps getting picked off too soon.


  6. anne: The putting down of feet costs extra.

    Jam: It’s not so much that she doesn’t want to let go (she’s pretty anxious to be shot of me) – the main obstacle has been her uncertainty as to whether I’ve been squeezed completely dry or if I still have a few drops left in me.

    Spookie: Oh, but she can.

    moonflake: Tried that. It resulted in iteration number 3.

    angel: He must be quite the masochist. Still, I apologise for whining like this. After all, it’s a self-inflicted wound.

    Salman: Dude, I don’t think my worries are anywhere near as dire as yours.

    andrea: So you collect lumpy sofas, too? We should start a club. As soon as I can save enough for a plane ticket (should take roughly 17 years, by my reckoning) I am so there. Until then, just call me Scabman.

    Katt: “Salman is a wise friend” – you realise he’s never going to let me forget that?


  7. As you well know, KN, I went through the same. And I agree, she’s only trying to see how many drops are still left for the squeezing!

    But it will all eventually end. Mine did today when I went to court and signed the last set of papers. Should have my Decree Absolute by Friday!!

    PS: I have a spare room with a double bed and bathroom, above a pub if you are considering the refugee option!


  8. But suicide greatly decreases your future earning potential, so I don’t think she’ll go for that. You are much more useful and profitable to her alive. Just win the lottery, give it to her and be done with it. 😉


  9. Kyknoord – I’m with Jam up there. I think this: tell her no more. Tell her then you will commit suicide because she’s driving you nuts and you won’t leave anything to her in your will.
    You seem like a nice, fair chap. Prove otherwise. You deserve it.


  10. DelBoy: Woohoo! That’s good news – on both counts.

    LiVEwiRe: Hold on while I fire up my causality disuptor…

    Peas, Chitty, H.Esc: I hear you, but as you can probably imagine, it’s not quite as cut-and-dried as that. When it comes to most legal matters (including divorce), the important thing is to try and settle the matter out of court, without resorting to litigation. Litigation costs a shitload of money and in the majority of cases, both parties end up worse off than they would have been if they’d reached a negotiated settlement. If you go to court “on principle”, because someone’s managed to get up your nose, it will only end up costing you time, money and sanity.

    My wife’s lawyer is desperate to get this case into court, because then he can start pulling in the big bucks. Consequently, this business of dragging things out is a strategy he’s adopted to try and make me lose my temper and take the “I’ll see you in court” route. I’m simply not prepared to give him the satisfaction.


  11. At this stage it is evident that Chocolate is in order ~ good old American Hershey’s Chocolate! Will ship some out today! (My recommendation is that you melt it over raspberries or popcorn ~ both to die for.)

    I will address it to Kyknoord C/O the Cape Town Chamber of Commerce. If upon pick up you find one morsel has been touched … let me know pronto. ; )

    Note to CT Chamber, hell hath no fury like that of a miffed Texas Tart, natch!

    Take care & many smooches,
    The Tart
    ; )


  12. Kinky: Just tell her to fuck off you ain’t signing off on anything more and if she wants to stay married to you forever that’s just fine but you ain’t gonna live with her, the bitch.


  13. I think you’re right to stay calm and not get into court.

    Don’t know the details, obviously, but she’s going to get a lot…you can’t just tell her to f**k off because that’ll give her all the incentive to go for more.

    Neither can you just give in to every little whim, as you’ve already pointed out.

    With emotions high, it’s easy to just go bonkers — just what she and her lawyer want.

    Stay reasoned, rational and above board, don’t stoop to her level or play into her games.

    And have a good, fair lawyer.

    Cheers and best of luck. It can be ugly and then get uglier and uglier…


  14. Kyk… I sympathise. I also tried to go the “out-of-court” route to get him to agree to certain terms. Not so much about possessions as we had a pre-nup so that was all pretty much cut and dried, but about the kids and the house (which is still in both our names). It took about a year before I eventually gave up (after he refused AGAIN to sign the papers) and proceded with the original summons (basic divorce with standard visitation).

    From my experience I would say that your wife’s reluctance to come to a final agreement is because she might be holding on to some hope that things can change.

    HANGE in there… be strong…


  15. Poor KN. I am sorry things are so lousy at the moment. I didn’t mean to offer empty advice – jeepers thats the very last thing you need. I am sure you know what you are doing – we all just get mad at seeing our favourite KN being put through all kinds of hell – it’s just so unhelpful (is that a word??). I will be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers that all of this will end soon and you will be able to move past it.

    Sending hugs which you can enjoy with your Chocs from The Tart.

    Indulge a little – that can’t hurt.


  16. I read all your entries, but never post any comments (you get enough of those already), but this post just needed to be commented on.

    In the wise words of some old, dead dude :
    “This, too, shall pass”

    Hang in there, stay strong, keep cool.


  17. It’s sad that it’s got to this situation. While not unsual for divorce, it seems so wrong that everyone has to lose out instead of it trying to approximate a win-win (horrid term; also inappropriate here) situation


  18. Tarty Tart Tart: Excellent. I happen to know the head of the regional CoC (not well, mind you – I once interviewed him when I was doing the Wednesday breakfast show, but I know what he looks like), so I’ll know who to take to task if the chocolate goes astray.

    Ol’ Hoss: So how is that part-time job in the Diplomatic Corps going?

    Within, Without: At least I have a head start in the ugly stakes. I have been annoyingly reasonable througout the process 🙂

    M: Got any rope? Sorry, reflex.

    Spookie: Many thanks. You are kind.

    Kandc: Glad to have you here. BTW, I think the old dude was referring to a kidney stone, before it killed him.

    Reluctant Nomad: One of those things. A lot of spilled milk and associated pointless crying.


  19. Some celebrity recently said that divorce was the process whereby you ex ripped your heart out through your wallet, or something similar. Can’t remember who, unfortunately.

    Ouch. Learn to say no.


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