I went up to Johannesburg on business yesterday. It was essentially an enormous waste of time, as these things generally are, but I am now able to offer this traveller advisory to those unfamiliar with the City of Gold: If you don’t know where you are going, then stay on the freeways. You’ll still be lost, but at least you’ll know how lost you are. Once you leave the thin comfort of the elevated byways behind and descend onto the mean streets, you’ll discover that Jo’burg’s transport planners don’t believe in directional signage. Their motto seems to be, “We know our way around. Buy a map, you fucking tourist”.
On the plus side, I did (eventually and after a journey that took far longer than it would have for a local resident) get to meet and have dinner with fellow blogger Katt last night. People who know me are aware that I am seldom at a loss for words, but sometimes I struggle to find the right ones. To say that the evening was tons of fun would be correct, but understated to the point of being virtually subterranean. How can I possibly convey the pleasure of trading appalling elephant jokes and playing the “I’m more screwed up than you” game?
I blame my soggy mental state on the fact that I got to bed late and that I’m trying to write this on my PDA at Johannesburg airport. Much as I’d like to share my thoughts on this place, words* truly fail me.
* Although ‘überclusterfuck’ does bubble to the surface every now and then.
the other side of the mountain 
“(…) you’ll discover that Jo’burg’s transport planners don’t believe in directional signage. Their motto seems to be, “We know our way around. Buy a map, you fucking tourist”.”
Will you quote yourself? Thank you, mighty good of you.
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LOL Did we ever come to the conclusion of who is more screwed up? Me, me, pick me!
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i am a lovely shade of green !!!
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I agree with Anne – someone please quote that!! I don’t know how.
And I also agree with you about getting lost in Jo’burg. I once turned right instead of left exiting Sandton City and a 20-minute drive home took Three Hours….!
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Ah, the “I’m More Screwed Up Than You” game. It’s addictive, isn’t it? And free.
You’ll get over it. Seems like you’ve got a fan following doing the wave for you and cheering your every manoeuvre.
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You have someone in Switzerland covered in moss!! You gotta give us more detail.. lots more detail on the lovely Katt.. I demand it!
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All in all, it sounds like you had fun. Getting lost in Jo’burg is an unforgettable experience!!
I hope Katt cleaned her sandbox before you came over….
LOL.
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anne: If you insist. I am mighty, aren’t I?
Katt: Not sure. I think we’ll have to refer it to the third umpire.
Shutterjane: Very fetching.
Terri: Drop Fence a line & I’m sure she’ll be happy to enlighten you.
Within, Without: It has been breezy of late.
SwissTwist: You really have got to stop covering yourself in syrup and rolling on the mountainside.
Spookie: I think I know why those GPS thingies are so popular. Can’t really tell if the sandbox received a scrubbing or not – we ate at a restaurant.
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jealousy makes me very very nasty. Just one question though… how did you recognise eachother in the restaurant… or was it an “i’ll be the one with the red rose” things
🙂
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i seldom go anywhere without my trusty map book… i am frighteningly rigting-bedonnerd!
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I’m probably easily amused, but überclusterfuck just did me in.
Now that’s I’ve stopped laughing (scared the cats, BTW) here’s my fave neologism: FUBAR-barity.
One alliterative neologism deserves another, I always say.
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Sounds Great – I know my way around pretoria and centurion very well but Joburg – eikona – got so lost there once before, avoid it like the plaque!
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What fun! Dinner with Katt & seeing the sights of Joburg. Life is full of great adventures.
Hmm, I will get in trouble for this but … the city planners in Texas have adopted the same helpful travel assistance for tourists as in Joburg. Bet your not surprised. ; )
Oh, regarding Katt … did you get to see her infamous purse? A treasure trove of goodies!!!
Smooch,
The Tart
; )
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Thx for the visit!
Stay tuned for more oxidation, coming soon to a monitor near you.
😉
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So, at least you had SOME fun. Which is plenty. Maybe.
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Ah, excellent motto they have! I’m sure Katt helped you find a more sensible way out… or left you fend for yourself for a fun game of cat and mouse in the city. Either way, there was fun involved. =)
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I have never used a GPS – my husband is a Rep and drives everywhere – so he knows all the roads really well. He is our GPS. And it’s probably a good thing you ate out somewhere – I think the sand can get into everything you eat.
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M: Close – my standard approach is, “I’ll be the one wearing leather and a scowl”
angel: Can I borrow it next time?
Lori Witzel: Quite right. Incidentally, fubarbarity seems to be the order of the day in my office at the moment. Look forward to the next corrosive rendering.
New Mom: Indeed. I wonder if Listerine would do the trick?
The Tart: There go my holiday plans [sigh]. I did get to see the purse, but not the contents. Next time, maybe.
Ol’ Hoss: It’s all relative and some of my relatives are NO fun at all.
LiVEwiRe: I’ll be sure to let them know you approve.
Spookie: True, but then we could have had sand-wiches.
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ha! i had a similar streets-of-jo’burg experience. only i started at 03:00am and ended up in hillbrow an hour later. i haven’t driven through that many stop streets and red lights, ever.
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uberclusterfuck is my official favourite word for the day. x
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I hadn’t noticed that clever play on words in your title…or did you change it as time wore on?
Or did the experience render you as same?
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uberclusterfuck is my new favorite word. 🙂 And this post reminds me that I should have written about meeting the Tart. Blogworld is such an interesting place, ain’t it?
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dystopia: Okay, you win. At least my meanderings took place at a reasonable hour.
Cherrypie: Excellent. I can’t wait to see if it makes it into the next edition of the Collins.
Within, Without: No changes. All original equipment.
Rrramone: There’s still time. How about a WB/CT retrospective?
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Given the apparent interest in your personal encounters, you might want to consider a regional ‘Win a Date with Kyknoord’ type of contest. Something with elimination rounds. Maybe mud-wrestling. It could drive a lot of traffic your way…
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a bunch of us – including dystopia – occasionally make the hideous journey from cape town to joburg for ICON, the RPG convention. Every year there is some horrible story about how someone got lost because joburg streets make no sense. It’s almost as constant as the story about how someone’s car mysteriously broke down in the vacinity of Leeugamka on the way up.
Hmm, dystopia is going to ICON this weekend, in fact. I bet there will be scary stories.
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Hmmm. It’s probably old news at this point. 🙂
However, in other news, there is a good chance I will be in Cape Town in October, and would love it if I could email you with some questions, etc. if you’re willing to share. My email is willie@masonbaronet.com if you are willing to give some input. Many thanks in advance!
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barbedwire: Pure genius. Watch this space…
moonflake: It’s about bloody time those Leeugamka aliens fixed their damned UFO. It’s a real menace.
Rrramone: Ah well, it was worth a try. In other news, keep your eye on your inbox, there is much you should know.
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Yer funny …
I’m still stunned at how the people in “the Amazing Race” managed to get out of the airport. Alive. I live almost next door to that dump and I still get lost in the parking lot every time I go there.
Joeys aint fer sissies, dude. 🙂
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That sounds like fun. I’m always in the market for new and more appalling elephant jokes.
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