The final cut

This is going to be a long one, so get comfortable.

After much head-scratching and soul-searching, the judges have selected the top five entries in the Win a Date with Kyknoord competition. I promised not to divulge the intimate details of their adjudication, but some of their remarks were too priceless to keep all to myself:

“Sounds a lot like me”
“A little stiletto action is much appreciated”
“That’s either a deal maker or a deal breaker”
“…less likely to be a ‘bump’ in the road”
“I’m a sucker for the cleverly wrapped package”
“This one sounds like she is in advertising”
“…probably all a little jealous of your on-line sex appeal”
And so blogfans, without further ado, I give you your five finalists:

Entry A
50 Words (Probably Not Less)If you wanted to meet me you could just have asked. All this nonsense about dating..*sheesh*. Anyway, I don’t date, but I’m always up for an adventure (and something to blog about besides how much I hate Ster-Kinekor). So I’ve checked out the menus at the restaurants (because I’m a vegetarian – I wasn’t looking at prices or quality or anything…) to see if it’s worth the effort.

I think it is.

Oh, wait. I was supposed to explain why you should pick me, not why I should pick you (as if I receive many offers*).

Reasons: I am witty (therefore I may catch some of your jokes) and geeky (not really a plus, but I can’t help it) and most of my friends are in London so my evenings are usually free.

Pick me!

Oh crap. I’m over the word limit. I guess I’m disqualified.

*Pretend I didn’t accidentally say that, otherwise you may think there’s something wrong with me.**
**There isn’t.***
***Theoretically.

—ends…(right before the bit where I said “—ends…”)

Entry B
Why would you want one when you could have two? Buy now and you’ll get an extra one free! [Name of partner-in-crime removed] and I are offering ourselves up as a double-act. Pick us and you will have two adoring, exceptionally good looking if somewhat ‘mature’ fans for the price of one.

Entry C
Right. So why I think I would be suited for this dubious honour? Simple really. I’ll enjoy every bite of my meal, only pausing to engage you with my endless wit and intellectual prowess. I’ll even flash you a smile, because, I really do enjoy smiling. And offer to buy the wine, because I’m an accomodating sort of bird that enjoys, well, sharing wine. Then I’ll listen carefully to your life stories and experiences, and probably laugh at all your jokes. I’ll wear high heels to dinner, because they make my calf muscles look pretty, and I’ll take extra special care not to tuck my skirt into my doondies on leaving the ladies room.

I’ll chew with my mouth closed.

If there’s a piano in the restaurant – on that rare but coincidental chance – I’ll play you a Beethoven sonata, restaurant staff permitting. I won’t get pissed off or sensitive-hormonal if you never want to see me again, although this is extremely unlikely. (This is a PR push afterall.) I am frank, so for instance if you ask me whether there is spinach in between your chompers, or if I enjoy the Jenny Chrys-Williams show, I’ll tell you the truth. Albeit diplomatically. You know who to choose. And if you don’t, pick me! Pick me! (This isn’t begging, this is enthusiastic punting.)

Yours in entrees,

Entry D
In flagrant disregard of Rule # 9, I, a person from the Midwestern region of the United States, with no plans to travel to the Cape, am entering the contest because:

  1. You’re a slack bastard- what do you care if I break rule # 9?
  2. You’re a slack bastard whose auditor has to discuss performance improvement with you, so you’ve probably got a salary that reflects such winning traits~ therefore, a date with me, the no-show from the Midwest, would insure you a much lower dinner tab than otherwise. Hey, you could even go to McDonald’s and just SAY you went to a swanky joint!
  3. I’ve never dated a Kyk. Sounds informative.
  4. I’d let you wear the bag if you want to wear the bag. What do I care? I’m a slack bastard, too.
  5. But no begging. And no crying.

Love from the States,
Absolute Shoe-In Jones

Entry E
Here’s my entry (attached – and entirely safe for work, I swear).
Entry E
Yes, it’s more than 50 words. No, I’ve never been very good at sticking to the rules. Or making convincing arguments, as will soon be apparent. In fact, I’m not sure how this qualifies as an entry at all, exactly – but it sure beat the hell out of working on the proposal doc that I should have completed yesterday (and didn’t) – which is already a good enough result for me. 😉 Use it, don’t use it.I hope the selection process – and the final outcome – is a blast. I’m beginning to wish I’d shut up and used the idea myself…

So there you have it. Voting opens immediately and will close on Monday the 24th of July at 12 noon CAT. All welcome. There will be a cash bar.

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43 thoughts on “The final cut

  1. The envelope please…

    I see I am the second person to vote, Kyk, and assume no lobbying is being permitted here.

    If that’s the case, I’ll just say all five candidates did marvellous presentations for your affections.

    Just know that if you do get spinach sprouting from your teeth, a common and somewhat embarrassing situation on a first date, there is a solution.

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  2. Mmmm. I pick Entry C. She’ll make you laugh (besides, I only know of one person who would say “doondies” and if it’s her, she is very very cool indeed)

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  3. Hmm not to be biased or anything but I really feel only ONE entry played by the rules now didn’t they? Ahem. Nuff said. Harumph. I pick entry B. Yes. Definitely. A winnerish choice. Indeedly.

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  4. I have been back from time to time for updates and this is the one I have been waitng for.
    These are Bucking Frilliant entries!! Choosing only to vote for was really hard KN – no fair.

    “…on-line sex appeal” Now that is an achievement!!!

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  5. Only one vote? Where is the democracy in that! This is Africa, dammit.
    At first glance I would have gone with D, pity she’s in the US. B sound like you could be in for a whole lot of fun… or is that just the guy in me falling for the obvious?
    Will be back to vote after I give it more thought.

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  6. Within Without: Formaldehyde?

    Katt: That’s why we’re doing it in winter.

    anne: Obviously, this doesn’t apply to tech-savvy types.

    Jam: But I thought everybody used that word.

    Anon: This is true. Glad you’re sticking to your guns.

    Peas on Toast: Peas on Toast with Jam? Now there’s a culinary masterpiece if ever there was one.

    Caroline: I’m sorry, but I could swear that you said “easier”

    Spookie: Now all I have to work on my off-line sex appeal.

    Chitty: Choose wisely, Grasshopper.

    Peas on Toast: Back to this again, are we? Can’t tell you.

    gincoleaves: Crime novel? Perhaps a tiny sprinkling of moral degradation, but as far as I know, that’s still legal.

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  7. Question – Did you leave “is” out of your reply on purpose because I left “one” out of mine by accudent – or was that just coincidince?
    tut tut, you have to have sex appeal off-line to be able to exude it on-line.

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  8. Uhm no ze voting she is rigged! And sexist. Whats with the pref for stilettos? What happened to good ol’ fashioned comfort is key Green Cross shoes? DISCRIMINATION I SAY! Hmmph. The lady she doth protesteth too much. Verily I say unto thee. Forsooth!

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  9. I can’t believe that no one has yet stated a preference for the obvious (to me anyway). As for Anonymous — *never* listen to a Rules Nazi. Anyone who deliberately breaks the rules in an effort to boost their brilliance quotient is a winner in my book.

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  10. ooh, please be sure to tell us exactly which restaurant is selected so the capetonians can come and watch! This will be even better than that time that evangelist started preaching on the stairs of UCT and got dragged off by campus control…

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  11. ohhhhhhh the PAIN… THE PAIN!!!! the out and out rejection… oh it hurts bru- it HURTS! i KNEW i should have just ignored the rules!

    anyhoo- i vote for entry E!

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  12. Seeing as the entire planet is now openly declaring their fave, I went for high heels, cute calf muscles, hilarity and spied spinach in your teeth sincerity.

    C, I say, with E’s comic strip and A’s straightforwardness as honourable mentions…

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  13. Spookie: Nah, it was just a typo – and thanks 😉

    Bee: Sexist? Fetishist perhaps. Sexist, no.

    andrea: You’re one of a kind, my friend.

    moonflake: That was me, and I was only trying to warn people about the lizards.

    angel: Go with your instincts. Always the best option.

    Within Without: In case Entrant C is taken in by this transparent flattery, you should know that Mr WW here likes to take photos of artificial testicles. I’m just sayin’

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  14. Ar Ar Ar, Kyk.

    Transparent as my flattery is, I see C is leading (or was) by a landslide. And it’s the ss thing.

    Spinach and stilettos.

    I did NOT take the pic of the artificial balls. Downloaded from Google. I’m just sayin’

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  15. Here is voting by elimination.
    Bearing in mind that I enjoy your blog in the first place because of your excellent writing … and because I like your (correct and often hilarious) use of the English language (spoken and written)!
    B is OUT: faulty grammar
    C is OUT: spelling
    D is OUT: can hear the accent; anyway she doesn’t speak “English”
    E is OUT: because I(!) can’t read her small print (i.e. cartoon).

    That leaves A!
    Don’t ask me why.

    How many entries did you really get?
    How many were female?
    How many male?
    Just to put you(r mind) at rest:
    I did not sent in my portrait!

    Have fun – and let us know the date in advance: Would love to be at the Wild Fig on the same night (or is it lunch?)!

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  16. Oh, these are great! I had a hard time picking one, but I did. I can hardly wait to find out what happens. Looks like you’ve got some excellent entries. Scared yet? 😉

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  17. erm… id pick c.. she sounds entertaining enough… a lil scary but entertaining none the less.. go on give her a shot. and besides she wont tuck her skirt into her doondies… what more do you want?

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  18. Still reeling in pain and rejection from the fact that my entry did NOT make the short list… so much for sticking to the rules… have cast my vote. Really interested to know what will happen if the winner is not from ‘this side of the mountain’

    If you do let slip the date and location of the ‘prize’ you might find yourselves in front of a live studio audience.

    🙂

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  19. I’d go with E – definitely E… I mean anyone who can use a term like “functional aesthetics” in a comic strip deserves to be on a date with Kate… errr… I mean Kyk.

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  20. I voted for 5, uh, E, or the last one. But whydo you limit yourself? If you are unattached, why not see ALL of them? Except of course for the Yankee who said she wouldn’t show up anyway…

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  21. Here is my voting, along with comments:

    A: Eliminated because she is a vegetarian. DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

    B: Having a lady suggest the invitation of one of her friends is pretty cool, once you already know her. When issued up-front, such an invitation is not so much the hint of a promise of sandwich action(*) as an indication of insecurity, a lack of courage or a lack of trust. Eliminated!

    C: A pretty compelling entry. It this were my competition, I’d pick her. Beethoven, wine and high heels always go well together. Well, my cat seems to think so when I try to entertain her at home. Also, this girl has money to buy the wine, which is always an indicator of stability. If you need someone to take the runners-up off your hands, I volunteer my services for this one. For you, however, not blogalicious enough. Eliminated.

    D: Eliminated. A vote for this one is a vote for having dinner on your own. Besides, she never indicated whether she lives in a blue or red state.

    E: Wonderful! Talented, intelligent, irrational and unapologetic. With this one, you have no idea what the evening will bring. She stands head and shoulders above the rest and received my unhesitating vote.

    *: “sandwich action” is intended in the sense that it is used in the William Shatner song, “That’s me trying”. Your mileage, however, may vary.

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  22. Wow, it’s now a three-horse race!!! Looks like C is tiring as A and E close in along the rail!

    Kyk, have you voted yet? Or is yours going to be the final deciding vote?

    Or mine? (I already voted, actually, as I said, but you can overlook that).

    Maybe you could ask an objective near-relative or your ex-wife?

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  23. WWI: Hey, I never said you photographed them, did I?

    Anon: Why? Why?
    In answer to your questions: I can’t tell you.

    LiVEwiRe: Always.

    Esther: Okay I’m game, but you start by sharing your bank account number and PIN.

    Shortypam: Hmmm… I’m thinking Rondo a Capriccio in G major opus 129

    M: Very well, but I shall require the usual $20 application fee and a picture of yourself in the nude.

    tripeak: [Translation: Should not go unpunished ]

    Pienk Zuit: Are you implying I’m pap? Kindly step outside…

    Miss Cellania: What??? Inflict myself of five innocent souls? Do you even read this blog or are you just a greyscale junkie like me?

    Andrew: You realise that you may have grievously offended some of the finalists who can now trace you via your profile?

    Rrramone: I get that a lot. Mostly from Ol’ Hoss.

    Aquila: Well, it doesn’t look like Chitty’s up for the challenge. You volunteering?

    WWII I think my ex would take a rather dim view of the proceedings, so if it goes down to the wire, I’ll make the final decision.

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  24. I think that andrew analyzed all of the contestants brilliantly and therefore he should win.
    Otherwise C.
    There is a hint of mischief and tomfoolery about her that is complimented with some semblence of sophistication.
    C.

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  25. Hmmph! Bad grammar eh? Andrew… who’s to say he doesn’t know me (us) in the relative scheme of (blog-land related) things?

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  26. kyk: Bring it! Vegetarians don’t scare me, although I suppose they should. I shall fight her off with lamb shanks.

    anon: Well then I would say that Kyk is a lucky boy.

    Like

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