Shopping goggles

Have you ever noticed how much better things look in the shops? There have been numerous times that I’ve unpacked my groceries to discover that the fruit has developed mysterious bruises that I could have sworn were not there earlier. They seem to have appeared as if by magic during the trip home. This would be understandable if I drove like a complete tit and aimed for every pothole in sight, but I don’t*.

In a way, the phenomenon is similar to ‘clothing store syndrome’, where an item that looked so good in the cubical makes you look like a sorry throwback to the heyday of Grunge when you put it on at home.

Whether it’s the lighting, the layout, the muzak or a subtle combination of the three, there is just something about shops that seems to make people (me, at any rate) less observant and less discriminating. During my most recent excursion to the cheese counter, I bought some fine-looking Edam, which inexplicably managed to transmute itself into moon rock** in the short time it took me to get it to my refrigerator.

I have come to the conclusion that you should never, ever date anyone you meet in the supermarket.

* At least, not EVERY pothole

** i.e. it was very green. This joke is never funny if you have to explain it


35 thoughts on “Shopping goggles

  1. You forgot the mirrors! They make you look slender and supple and scrumptious in that item of clothing you simply have to buy – perhaps we should alter our mirrors at home to maintain the illusion.

    Regarding the rest, A does imply B so your conclusion seems a sound one. One has to pay special attention to packaging in these situations, A No Names brand special will disappoint far less than a fancily wrapped (or garbed) one. Bad pizza tastes much better when it’s half-price, after all.


  2. Um, I was about to say that the mirrors in change rooms make you look 35.7kgs heavier… but after reading Third World Ant’s post I have just realised that maybe I am 47.3kgs heavier than I am convincing myself.


  3. Third World Ant: I didn’t want to use the word ‘conspriacy’ but…
    Oh, is there any pizza left? I’m starving and I seem to have run out of biscuits.

    M: Exactly! And you know what little green men tend to do.

    Katt: Oh stop fishing for compliments. That’s all bollocks and you know it!

    The Tart: Ours usually hang out in the fresh produce section and ask if you think their melons are firm.

    Peas: Bwahahahahah! There are so many layers to that, I don’t even know where to begin.


  4. You’ve obviously never tried a woman’s bathing suit on under the neon green lights of a sadly neglected women’s change room. Or have you…?


  5. I was also going to say that I find the experience(s) of changing-room mirrors rather disturbing. In fact, I find the experience(s) of changing rooms rather disturbing.

    And I always worry that some freak has installed a hidden camera in the vent above the cubicle. (There’s almost always a vent above the cubicle.)

    Anycase, what the hell are you doing dating people you meet at the supermaket?


  6. Of course, you will only discover at a later date the mould of almost everyone you meet anywhere – if you DO get a more intimate look at them …

    Although this does not apply to people you meet at a nudist resort[and I have never met nude nudists in a supermarket].

    So, why not shop at the beach?


  7. How do YOU know about the fresh produce section? Hmm?!?
    Mandy … I think we have our answer. ; )

    Heard over loud speaker in grocery, “Clean-up in produce … he’s back!”


    The Tart


  8. I like those three-walled mirrors in change rooms, so that you can see your butt, or the back of your head. I guess I just wanted you to know that.


  9. wow- i never thought of it that way… i mean, i knew about the magic mirrors and the smeels that induce you to spend-spend-spend… but i’ll definitely be steering clear of any hotties i spot in the frozen food aisle!


  10. On the supermarket fruit and veggies, I know the mystery behind this! And there’s a boxboy at my local supermarket who has a permanent spot on my hit list!

    Even an embecile knows you do not stack 5 pounds of bananas on top of cherries and grapes! Apparently not at my supermarket.

    How does one “meet” people at a supermarket to date? I’d have to agree with you about not dating from the supermarket, but mainly because I don’t see how you could meet and get to know someone well enough to consent to going on a date, let alone give your phone number out to supermarket dating prospect.

    Just curious. Have you actually gone on a date with someone you “met” at a supermarket?



  11. I’m convinced the stores pump something in through the ventilation systems to make you see things the way you want, not the way they really are. When you get home, the truth of it all smacks you right in the face.


  12. andrea: I may be nuts, but I’m not weird. Besides, they never have anything in my size.

    mandy: I’d be more worried about the webcam behind the one-way glass if I was you, although it would be a shame if had to be shut down.
    BTW, I thought I had made it perfectly clear that I’m NOT going to be dating anyone I meet at the supermarket.

    b: I don’t think the gritty realism of it suits me.

    The Tart: Hey, I know stuff, okay?

    anne: True. It was just the way the cheese said, “Bite me” that did me in.

    scott: Well, alrighty then.

    angel: A wise decision, although you should consider avoiding hotties in the other aisles, too.

    3T: Consider this – if you go to a particular supermarket regularly, you might start to recognise some of the other shoppers. At some point, you could end up in the check-out line with one of these people and you may even strike up a conversation. The next time you see the person at the store, you exchange greetings… I’ve seen this happen, but to answer your question: No.

    LiVEwiRe: So the secret is to only shop when you have a sinus condition?


  13. its those freaky mirrors i tell you!!! thats why those guess jeans look so good. then wen u take them home it looks like ur ass has inflated to 4 times its origional size, clever shop owners with their very clever strategically placed signs “NO REFUNDS”… its a ploy i tell u!!!! as for the fruits being bruised, i simply blame the fruit fairies…


  14. Magic Mirrors Smagic Mirrors – hmpf!! Somone please show me where those are, in which shop so I can look at myself in them.

    Was that never take anyone you meet in the supermarket home with you or never date anyone you meet in the supermarket. Cause it seem that only when we take stuff home directly from the suprmarket that they mutate…
    Unless it’s a person (male or female) asking you check how firm their melons are – then I suggest you run. RUN like mad.


  15. I don’t think mirrors in clothing stores are all that kind. Some stores are intelligent enough to install *clever* lighting. Others don’t have a clue. Avoid Edgars chagerooms for this reason. And all Woolworths fresh food looks better on the shelf….


  16. homo escapeons: I knew there was a trick to it. Mine says “1997”. I may be in trouble here.

    Mandy: [Shiver] I think it’s perhaps time for me to quietly withdraw to my corner.

    Inyoka: The voice of (a bad) experience, by any chance?

    Shortypam: Fruit fairies? I knew it! I’m going start carrying a can of Doom with me when I go shopping.

    Spookie: Is seems like an interesting experiment, but I’m not brave enough to try it.

    Jam: I should be okay. I haven’t felt the need to buy new clothes since the heyday of Grunge.


  17. That is excellent dating advice. On the driving thing… U might want to reconsider your claim considering you keep falling off your scooter 😉


  18. Whoa…I could have sworn I read crucible instead of cubical…see it happens in blogs too.

    And now you have some insight into how I feel about cubicals. 😉


  19. terri: Har de har. You so funny. I should mention, however, that you seem to have studiously ignored the circumstances surrounding previous brushes with death.

    Mandy: I’m just getting nowhere with you, am I?

    dolce: I’m guessing if we hear cursing coming from the change rooms, that’ll be you.


  20. My wife always tells me to eat something before going shopping for food. That takes care of the urge to impulse buy out of hunger.
    If you want to avoid ‘buying’ any bad dates, I guess you could also take care of those urges ‘before’ going out. (there’s something about Mary)


  21. DAMN & BLAST! now you gone and burst my little pink happiness birdie… i was just about convincing myself that the soap and shampoo aisle would be okay to sample hotties from!


  22. This reminds me of something someone once told me. His father told his mother that he is going to the shop for tomatoes. It has been 30 years and he still hasn’t returned. Makes you wonder what he picked up in the produce aisle??? Ok, they eventually found him in Cape Town. Turns out he needed an excuse to leave home and could only think of tomatoes.


  23. Mandy J Watson: Whoohoo – I win! [Victory lap around the office with aeroplane arms. Worried stares from co-workers.]

    Brian the Mennonite: Yikes! Too much information, dude!

    Comment Deleted: You know, you say that every time? It’s getting old, man.

    angel: It’s a free country, but it’ll all end in tears. You mark my words.

    BUDDESS: What a dimwit! The tomatoes in Cape Town are really lousy.


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