One – Nil

During my hippie gym yoga class earlier this week, the instructor decided that my classmates and I were in need of some additional enlightenment. Apparently, a weekly get-together and sing-along+ doesn’t quite cut the mustard on the spiritual advancement scale, so he began to harangue us on the “oneness” of all things.

Now when you get down to a really fundamental level you’ll find that people, rocks, breakfast cereals, Bacardi Breezers, snakes on planes and so forth, are all pretty much made of the same stuff endlessly recycled – so this actually isn’t a really tough concept to grasp. However, our all-knowing yogi chose to illustrate his point by telling us that the various forms of divination – i.e. palmistry, phrenology, bone throwing, cartomancy etc. – are all really one and the same. When I heard this, I couldn’t help nodding and smiling and this drew the instructor’s attention.

“I see you nodding and smiling. So you agree, Mr Kyknoord?”
“Oh definitely”
“But you are normally suspicious of such matters and yet now you agree that there is a oneness to these things?”
“Yes. It’s ALL a load of balls”

+ essentially, a few rousing choruses of “Om”. Very easy to learn if you aren’t much of a singer


19 thoughts on “One – Nil

  1. katt: See? I do have a goal in life.

    livewire: I am becoming a much sought-after pupil at the yoga school.

    anne: It’s a pity it doesn’t do the same for my instructor. That throbbing vein in his temple doesn’t look healthy at all.

    geena: Yoga in a quantum physics class maybe?

    jam: So I can do YOGA! Yo. Ga. If I was in any way interested in Swami Arsebrain’s views on achieving enlightenment through geopathic stress release or whatever, I’d simply lobotomise myself with a spoon and be done with it.


  2. Pingback: iScatterlings » Blog Archive » Friday Blogroll Round-up

  3. classic. i try not draw attention to myself in these situation. the less i look like a target for brain wash, the better.

    what yoga are you going to. the one i go to (the heated one) is only about yoga… and trying to get the spot next to woman wearing white


  4. My cheeks are aching once more Kyk. And no, not from one hell of a good throat lashing unfortunately. I think it’s high time you entered my hall of fame. And, once again, no – that’s NOT what they’re calling it these days.


  5. Ahh..the fog is clearing.
    The all powerful, all knowing ONENESS has sent you to Yogi Swami TightTurban to help HIM achieve his next level of Enlightenment.

    If he finally breaksdown and gives you shit, tell him that ‘the Onesness has sent me to test you’


  6. Hey Kyk…was thinking of you this weekend, for some odd reason. I leave London tonight and someone gave me a CD of Mozart’s addagios and a condom. And I thought, I’m just drugs away from Cayennetology….


    I need help….



  7. iscatterlings: Two words: Different. League.

    esther: No point. He has less money than I do.

    other-duke: We do the ‘normal’ Hatha Yoga and the majority of my classmates are creaking geriatrics, so I’m actually the prettiest one in the room. Sad, I know.

    luke: I’ll only be an Oom when my sister decides to spawn and that doesn’t look very likely at this point.

    granny wrangler: Damn.

    rev: I think he may have arrived at that conclusion on his own, but a little confirmation always helps.

    andrea: Hardly. I was nodding and smiling because at the time I was thinking, “It’s ironic that he’s talking about oneness in this context, because it’s all a load of cobblers”

    Dolce: I’ll buy you a coffee when you return. Caffeine is technically a drug.


  8. aaah, kyk, my sentiments exactly. I would have said the same thing.

    Anyway, we all know the only reason you want to do yoga is so you can get into one of those postures that enable autofellatio. Admit it.


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