6th of June, 1944

It’s been eleven months and change since the dwang hit the domestic fan and everything went pear-shaped in a handbasket+, but I finally had my day in court.

While I waited my turn, I was quite impressed how quickly they managed to get through the roll. There was roughly a five-minute turn-around time for each uncontested case. It essentially involved the advocate asking the plaintiff a few standard questions and directing him or her to “describe to the court the reason for the breakdown of the marriage”. The plaintiff would mumble something along the lines of “she kept gerbils in my sock drawer++” or some such and shortly thereafter, the judge would issue the decree of divorce.

“This is going to be a snap”, thought I, as my case was called. It seems that Murphy’s Law also has jurisdiction in the Cape High Court, because my documents had somehow managed to vanish from the judge’s file. The case was deferred while my attorney went in search of the missing papers and I was left to ponder exactly how I’d managed to accumulate such an enormous fucking Karmic debt. As the minutes dragged on, I couldn’t help visualising streams of money navigating a porcelain U-bend. I seriously don’t want to think what this two-hour scavenger hunt cost me. Hmmm… I wonder if I can take the High Court to the Small Claims Court and sue for damages?

Nevertheless, I eventually got to make my gerbil speech and it is now official: I am one of the eX-men. I’m still working on a catchy name, but my mutant power is the ability to have an empty bank account.

+ did I mention that I have a fondness for mixed metaphors? No? Well I do

++ a surprisingly common complaint

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35 thoughts on “6th of June, 1944

  1. left to ponder exactly how I’d managed to accumulate such an enormous fucking Karmic debt.

    Because god’s grumpy that you’re trying to usurp him, silly!

    P.S. I also have that mutant power. Only it’s drawn directly from shoes. Amazing!

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  2. That was a really well written post, especially in light of the fact that I was expecting something more like:

    “…While I waited my turn, I wA s quei imprsd lk#*((*S_D &_( *S B S IA{([-… *sobs at keyboard*

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  3. About that karmic debt – you can view it as half full / half empty shit – I hear the central karmic bank is raising its karma payback terms soon. Plus, if you had done it any later, you might have gerbil alimony to pay – and if you don’t pay that then Richard Gere, your ex, and her army of fellow disgruntled ex-women would be coming for you.

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  4. I suspect that both condolences and congratulations are in order.
    Be glad yours was uncontested.
    I have an acquaintance who after 2.5 years of tussling, was concerned that his divorce was on the rocks.

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  5. Good reddens!!! Following your bog for a month now Kyk. Thanks for being the happy feeling in my life. Like my Ex-men in tights…

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  6. dolce: I knew there had to be a good reason, but I’m not actually after the top spot. I just want a senior position in the administration.

    mjw: Why thank you, but I’ve long since mastered the art of sobbing & typing at the same time.

    triggermap: The service charges on karma are a nightmare and don’t get me started on gerbil alimony!

    revolving credit: Bwahahahah! Oh man, I needed that. I’m sure if they’re both willing to make an effort, they can make it work.

    pirate: You’ve been following my WHAT??? I think I have my book deal in the bag: “Ambulatory Toilets and the People Who Love Them”. Sorry, but I just couldn’t resist 😉

    katt: A good comment, considering the topic 🙂

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  7. Congratumalations for getting through the court system with most of your marbles and integrity intact.
    I applaud your coolth.
    Now it’s onward and upward to mayhem … 🙂

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  8. champagne heathen: You sayin’ I’m easy, huh? 😉

    the tart: Does this mean I’ll be restricted to the missionary position?

    peas: I should be okay. My ex got those in the settlement, too.

    luke: I’m so cool, I piss ice-cream. It’s a pity it’s urine flavoured ice-cream.

    angel: It was the damned High Court that lost the documents, not my lawyer. Unfortunately it’s not quite over yet – there’s a pile of admin that still needs to be taken care of, but the biggest hurdle is out of the way.

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  9. No, No, I wasn’t saying you were just parT of the course. 😉 Rather that it comes so naturally to you, you don’t even consider it a superpower.

    If I was a girl in Cape Town I would hope that a Sex God who is also single is very much easy!

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  10. Well it’s over for you – hooray!! I’m seeing my lawyer tomorrow afternoon to try and finalise things…mine has taken 23 months so far. Enough already!

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  11. Triggermap at 3 – Richard Gere is Kyknoord’s ex? My word, I missed that somewhere.

    Congrats Mr Noord. The good thing about an event like this is that they give us a reason for closure and new beginnings, otherwise things just hang.

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  12. champagne heathen: That’s a relief. I don’t really like golf.

    andrea: That’s right. I didn’t.

    anne: Hmmm… another book idea: “The Chronicles of a Sex God”

    geena: My sincere symphathies, Geena. What a nightmare.

    IITQ: You’ll have to read Richards blog for all the sordid details. I refuse to write about it here.

    cherrypie: So do I, especially since I have it running through my head now.

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  13. Welcome to it.
    Gerbils in the sock drawer?
    I had a drastic court day too – I was secretly pleased in the end that it was such a mission. They five minute thing freaked me out.
    Although – considering what you’ve been through, I think you should have been given only 3 minutes in which to suffer.

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  14. Heavens no ~ forget the court drama & go the library to check out the “Sex positions of a Sex God” or for “Dummies” or just practice lots … K?

    Smooch,
    The Tart

    Psssssst. On second thought Missonary is nothing to scoff at, natch!

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  15. I remember my day in court. Every woman was there with her Mom or a friend or two for support.
    Every man was there by himself not even looking up at the others shuffling around the hallway.

    It was over in a heartbeat and after a quick hug it was back to the office…quite surreal actually.

    Oh well now you can get on with it..and tell your lawyer that those 2 hours are gratis!

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  16. Ona completely off-topic note: Willie Baronet is, I believe, going to where you live in a day or two (heard some tell about driving in South Africa and the challenges thereof.)

    I told him to wave “Howdy” in your direction. Don’t know more than that, so you’d have to ask WB.

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  17. jam: It’s fitting that something that began with a bang should end in an anti-climax.

    katie: So am I. So am I.

    moonflake: Me too 😉

    cheap tart: I What would the Big Bad Wolf do?

    miss cellania: I suppose now I’m going to have to venture out of da house from time to time to live up to my title.

    homo escapeons: Why not. My lawyer enjoys a good joke as much as the next guy.

    lori: Will do.

    terri: She did of course, although I have to pay gerbil support.

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  18. er… congratulations kyk… ur a free man… about ur super powers; its alright… u still have ur cult to finance everything and give u a never-ending supply of cash… right???

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  19. I’ve had to do that 3 times!!! Yes, that many!!! First time was scary, but by the third time, I issued the decree myself – Judge wasn’t impressed… said he didn’t want to see me in his court again.. heehee – I read in the papers that I guy had married 201 times – wonder how many gerbils he has??? Best of luck!!!

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  20. Finally its all over! Welcome to the club of single, penniless men who wait in anticipation that their ex remarries so that they can stop all payments hopefully before everything goes round that porcelain u-bend!

    As soon as I feel better, I’m gonna have a celebratory drink for you! What the hell, I’ll have a Sambuca for you anyway!

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  21. shortypam: My ex found out about the cult, so she got that as well.

    buddess: Talk about mindless optimism: “Oh yeah, this time it’s for real – I can feel it”

    granny wrangler: Me too 😀

    delboy: Thanks. I’d raise a toast to you as well, but I’m a bit cash-strapped at the moment.

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  22. Hey! my paperwork also went mysteriously missing on the day…I found it funny that they ask you if you have a gun when you go in and then search you for paperwork as you leave!

    Surprised to find a comment about an ancient post? Never mind me – I just enjoy your writing so I’m reading everything 🙂

    Like

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