I don’t want timeshare either

Dear Discovery Health

I have been a member of your esteemed medical aid for six years. During this time, you have contacted me no fewer than fifteen times to try and convince me to subscribe to your Vitality scheme. On every occasion, I have declined the offer. Note: every occasion. If you review the recordings of the conversations I’ve had with your call-centre drones, you will discover (hah!) that I have been quite unequivocal about this.

I would have thought that after six sodding years you would have finally taken the hint and changed my status from “potential sucker” to “recalcitrant hardarse” in your customer database. While I applaud your obvious diligence in continuing to pursue my money despite the odds, perhaps I should point out that if Vitality was such a fantastic deal (as opposed to the total fucking waste of money that it actually is), you would not have to keep on trying to sell it to me.

Perhaps I should also point out that even the most thick-skinned of traffic light beggars will eventually get the message and stop harassing you if you tell them to piss off enough times.

So stop calling me, okay? I’m touched by your concern, but I have Sloth Boy and Dysentery Dude to keep me company when I get bored.

Yours faithfully
Kyknoord

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27 thoughts on “I don’t want timeshare either

  1. ‘recalcitrant’ is a veeeeery large word. I think you should rewrite it. The useless f*ckers wouldn’t even know how to look it up in a dictionary let alone know what it means. I think i should fly there and personally vomit all over their very expensive BMWs for you and for everyone else who’s been buggered up the bottom by them.
    Ok, i’m done.

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  2. God.
    You’re going to have to claim for incessant trauma and anxiety from them if they don’t stop. Which they inevitably won’t Kyk.

    Tell them which solitude and stress disorder centre will be of your liking when they next call. And they will.

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  3. You don’t suffer alone! Fortunately if the second hand You magazine Maw gave is to be believed there will soon be a law against this.

    What? You magazine is good for reading in the loo.

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  4. what i find interesting, is that a colleague of mine who joined discovery without vitality now wants to sign up for it. however, they are making him jump through hoops and messing him around no end. so it seems that if one doesn’t get vitality when one signs up, then one can only get it if one doesn’t want it. now that is customer service for you

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  5. Bravo.. Bravo! I Say.

    I hope to goodness you sent this to them.

    Hell, I would have.

    Create a template and insert a variable field for the recipient. I can think of a few:

    FNB pre-approved credit card, life insurance/death cover companies, the list goes on…

    [I just put them on speakerphone and when they final shut up and my whole office is laughing, i say ‘no thanks’ and i hang up!

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  6. Brilliant … I second the other duke. I have just had a flaming row with some stupid tart who keeps phoning our office every week and after that irritatingly long-winded introduction (hi, who am I speaking to …? hi, my name’s … blah blah) she asks: ‘what type of switchboard do you have?’ I don’t know how many times I’ve told her to sod off and then the damn woman phones back and complains that I was rude! (which is really hysterical because I thought I was being polite …i.e. I never used the eff word once)

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  7. next time someone from discovery (or anywhere really) cold calls you, interrupt the spiel and ask the caller for their credit card details so you can charge them for the time they are about to waste. Refuse to let them say anything else until they give you their name, number and cvc. PS it’s easy to check if they’re just making up a number, google “Luhn check”.

    It’s so much more fun if you can get THEM to slam the phone down in disgust.

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  8. Thank heaven…*singing and whistling gay melody*..for social security…come on over Kyk – we’re civilised this side of the mountain…and DISCOVER how VITALLY good French health care is…fnar fnar…

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  9. Try, “Wow! That sounds interesting. Can you hold for a minute until I finish something?” Then check that they are still holding every 5 minutes or so.

    I once got a currency trading software salesman to hold on for 40 minutes, while I had a shave and a shower. Funnily enough, that was the last time I ever got telemarketed early in the morning.

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  10. I’m assuming the marketing is done via the phone. I have not added any extras to my phone package except the blessed call display (as we call it here in Canada) and I’d pay three times for the privelege. God was smiling on me the day she invented that particular feature.

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  11. the granny wrangler: I know another big word: “wheelbarrow”. Any suggestions as to how I could work that in to the second paragraph?

    peas: So true. P.S. I prefer it if people use my full title – i.e. Sex God.

    katt: It’s also useful in case you run out of papier de toilette.

    dystopia: Hmm… maybe I need to change tack.

    other-duke: The version I sent to them was less friendly (and that is LKK Luke)

    luke: Hey, if they can’t take the heat, then they should get out of the kitchen. Call center. Whatever.

    moonflake: I usually ask for a fax number so I can send them a memorandum of agreement to sign.

    angel: It’s not only Discovery. They just happen to be the most relentless and deserving of scorn.

    geena: Fnar?

    salman: It wouldn’t as effective for me. I’ve managed to hone my morning routine down to about twenty minutes.

    andrea: Three times? How about you send me the extra cashe that you’d be willing to pay, but aren’t actually paying – seeing as it’s such a good deal?

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  12. LOL! Salman’s a genius!
    The sad thing is that these telemarketers have such a high rate of staff turnover that every few months a newbie comes in and has to start at the top of the list again. Hence the repetition.
    Hence the repetition.

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  13. My major bug-bear at the moment is the people who text my phone, with offers that start with “dear loyal orange customer”. They’re always offering some new package or phone upgrade. Once of twice I fell for it, and called them back. They’re not even Orange!!! They’re always offering 18 month contracts, and although I explain that I’m not even going to be in the country for that long, and could they please take me off their database – I still get at least one text a week.
    Die, Sales Scum!
    The worst part is that I cant even be rude to them, because I think sales call centre jobs have got to suck loads!

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  14. Re: #13.1/ Try working a bit of William Carlos Williams into your diatribe:

    so much depends
    upon
    a red wheel
    barrow

    glazed with rain
    water

    beside the white
    chickens.

    That should confound the buggers.

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  15. When I was in London earlier this year, staying with my friends, they warned me about the calls (usually attempts to get you to switch phone companies) and said that they get charged for them because there’s some reverse charge thing in place.

    I don’t know if it’s true, but didn’t want to take the chance one morning when I was home alone and the phone rang. The guy sounded like a black guy from SA with a Southern Suburbs accent and he started on the whole story so I immediately interrupted him (feeling less uncomfortable about being rude to a Safrican) and said: “Are you trying to sell us something? Because we’re not interested.” The phone when silent, because I guess the British are more polite and don’t interrupt the long stories, and then he politely said goodbye and that was it. 10 seconds!

    (Doesn’t work as well in SA because they’re more tenacious.)

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  16. They’ve been trying to flog me a card. I explained veeery patiently that I hadn’t given them permission to market to me and what that meant legally. I told them if they phoned me again, I’d sue them for infringing on my choice not to be marketed to. They stopped phoning.

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  17. terri: Salman is indeed a genius. He’s quite scary when he uses his power for evil.

    anne: I’m not sure I could survive that. I guess I’ll have to remain undead.

    katie possum: You’re too kind. This is unhealthy. A bit of cathartic profanity will do wonders for your stress levels.

    atw: *sniff* that’s beautiful, man.

    mjw: I’m almost tempted to move to London now.

    dolce: I’ll refer them to you the next time they call 🙂

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  18. I gave into their credit card scheme a few years ago, yet to date they still haven’t activated the credit facility even after initial and recent attempts for them to do so from my side. So yes it’s a dead credit card – I use it as the standard membership card. I get a number of phone call’s yearly for me to pay the card fees. I don’t use it, so why should I and to date I’ve successfully managed to pay zip, nada. Part of the fun is too see how each of their callers act to a range of emotions – anything from good cop to bad cop to daffy duck. I reckon they just scratch me off as “next year’s” problem.

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  19. HA!
    The squeaky wheel gets the call.
    I guess that you will have to respond in a faux throat singing accent from one of our Northern Peoples…apparently there is one such language that is only spoken by two sisters who live in the NorthWest Territories.

    It is a bugger trying to spurn the commission driven stick-with-it-ness of starving call centre customer support technicians.

    Go down to the call centre and tear down the huge banner in the bullpen that reads
    ‘If at first you don’t succeed…

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  20. That Granny Wrangle & AWT are just tooooo much ~ Kykie, you seem to bring out the *best* in both of them. Post on JDEPP of CT!

    Smooch,
    The Tart
    ; *

    Ps. I bet they wear really high-heeled black boots at those call centers ~ watch OUT!

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  21. moonflake: An excellent point.

    geena: Aha. Out here in the colonies we have less exposure to the latest trends.

    homo escapeons: I can’t thing of a suitably witty rejoinder, my mind keeps getting pulled back to the phrase “customer support technician”, which sounds a bit like the job description for someone who adjusts the tension in bra straps.

    the tart: At least I bring out the worst in others, so the universe stays in balance 😉

    Like

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