Physical Education

If you ever hear me say, “Oh man, I can hardly wait to get to that meeting” in tones that do not drip with irony, then it means that I have finally snapped and it would probably be a good idea to back away slowly.

This morning’s meeting was a real showstopper. I’m sure that the quantity of hot air generated by this particular project team has contributed more to global warming than the Industrial Revolution. I found myself surrounded by buzzword-wielding idiots who all seemed to be genuinely convinced that a communal exchange of bullshit constitutes actual work – as opposed to another depressingly pointless three-hour step closer to the grave. This motivated me to put together the following proof, which is a variation on the well-known the less you know, the more you earn theorem:

In Physics, power is defined as the rate of doing work, or:

Power = Work / time

If you assume that meetings can be equated with work – i.e:

Meetings = Work,

then:

Power = Meetings / time

However, since meetings can be theoretically reduced to minutes, which are units of time, then this implies that:

Power = time / time

This reduces to

Power = 1

and unless you’re Bryce Courtenay, this is clearly garbage. Therefore meetings are not work. QED.