Presents of mind

Over at the slipstream, Chitty has been having a torrid time navigating the treacherous straits of consumer frenzy. The business of procuring the “perfect gift” is never easy. It becomes exponentially more difficult when you have a severe hangover, or are surrounded by hordes of sweaty-armpitted tourists, or both.

My gift to you, my faithful readers, is a giant pile of money a list+ of suggested presents to take some of the pressure off at this difficult time of year:

  • A large bottle of cat urine A dual-purpose winner. Not only is it a great standby when all the booze has run out at New Year and people are less discriminating in their choice of refreshment, but it makes a great perfume, too++.
  • A liquid soap dispenser A fine gift, if your friend happens to own a club in Jozi. Also, our blogging buddy Peas on Toast can’t seem to get enough of these.
  • A banana Sometimes simpler is better. No matter who you give one of these babies to, a banana will always be a gift with a peel.
  • A Worsie Visser CD Simply perfect for anyone who claims to love surprises.
  • A pelvic massage Although these are often hot favourites, they require slick handling. The last thing you want to do is rub someone the wrong way.
  • Socks Ja okay, I’m out of ideas. It’s been an extremely long, meeting-filled day

Enjoy.

+ Oops, sorry. The lawyers and my ex-wife got the giant pile of money. Believe me, I’m as disappointed as you are.

++ At least, that’s what the woman who works in admin seems to think.

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18 thoughts on “Presents of mind

  1. Ha! I actually happen to own a Worsie Visser CD. It is titled Lekker Ou Jan and I bought it of my own free will, with my own money.

    It has been said* that no CD collection is complete without one example of Boeremusiek. I decided to deal with the trauma as soon as possible and avoid nasty surprises later.

    * By my friend, Ben.

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  2. …And just because I’m feeling generous (Call it Christmas spirit, call it whatever you like…even if it’s because I just had a wonderful tasting cigarette)
    …I’ll throw in a free soap dispenser to anyone who can convince Kyk and I that you deserve one gratis.

    I have five.

    First come, first serve.

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  3. the tart: Okay, but check if they have a “bring your own” policy.
    P.S. I had you marked down for “banana” anyway.

    salman: You lucky thing, you! Soon you’ll be the proud owner of two Worsie Visser CDs.

    andrea: And I thought you didn’t care.

    peas: Dispensing dispensers. That’s poetic.

    lewd luke: It keeps it safer if you use a rubber.

    jam: There you go. People will never accuse you of being just one of the bunch.

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  4. For a more comprehensive gift list, i suggest you hop on over to the Dave Barry website. most insightful.

    The only gifts people cna expect from me this year is a spirit filled email. I’m too broke to afford anything else. Sorry.

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  5. anne: I’ve said it before: you should always strive to be a carrier, not a sufferer.

    chitty: Fortunately, the job’s already been done for us. You can find these at virtually any cosmetics counter.

    peas: Cool. Sung to the background hum of the BW3K 😉

    insane insomniac: What? Are you saying my list isn’t exhaustive?

    salman: I think we both know where this is headed.

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  6. Hey, shit happens, if ya fucked up, tough.
    Why do people have to evr analyse things and find a greater cause.

    If you did it, it’s your fault, take responsibility, deal with it and move on.

    Sometimes it’s so much better for our ego or conscience to be able to explain it away, when actually it’s just our own dumbass stupidity or incompetence.

    If we’re using the Gant chart metaphor, does that mean that as long as your fuckups aren’t any of the critical path item, you’re ok?

    Now how fucked is that??

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