Fly in the ointment

I am typing this through gritted teeth. You could say that I am ever so slightly pissed off.

You see, I was in the process of making an on-line reservation, when one of my more annoying colleagues sauntered into my office and made himself at home. I didn’t think it was possible for a single entity to classify as an infestation, but there you go – learn something new every day.

“Give me a moment – ” I implored, imploringly, “I’ll be done shortly”
“This won’t take long,” he lied, like the lying liar he is, before launching into a lengthy and exceedingly dull rambling monologue as a preamble to offloading some of his work onto me.

When the fucker finally left, I discovered that I had lost out on the flight I’d been trying to book and had to go for a much more expensive seat. Okay, I realise that this hardly constitutes a global crisis, but it’s still irritating+. I subsequently sent my colleague an e-mail offering him the opportunity to make up for being such a retard by swallowing a tankard of drain cleaner or jumping out of the window and plunging onto the tarmac below. He declined, of course. Inconsiderate wanker.

Dear me, it looks like I’m just not going to be able to get around to that urgent work he wants me to do today.

+ and it looks like I’m going on an involuntary cabbage diet

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26 thoughts on “Fly in the ointment

  1. just be sure to pass on the ill-effects caused by excessive cabbage consumption whilst positioning your posterior as close as possible to his face whilst he is seated in his office. that’ll learn him.

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  2. I’m with Peas on this one. I hate people that have time to saunter into your office to give you more work as they don’t have time, instead of using the time to tell you this to do the work instead.

    still with me?

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  3. urk: It surely will. I usually get to work early, so I could also spend some quality time fumigating his office before he arrives.

    jam: Maybe after a few days of experiencing my early-morning emanations, he will.

    alan: Hold on, I’ll check. Okay, I’ve checked. No.

    katt: Oh well, it’s Public Domain now.

    peas: I’ll get right on it.

    insane insomniac: Always :mrgreen:

    cedric: – and a note saying, “We can’t afford to replace your office chair at the moment, so we got you this stool instead”

    other-duke: It’s in his contract, apparently.

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  4. iPod. The blank stare. The blank stare combined with furious touch typing. The iPod combined with staring intently at the screen saying “I’m listening” while furiously typing. …All these have helped me to become a top office recluse. May they help you in future.

    I’d definitely seek revenge should I lose out on the cheap plane ticket!

    Good luck!

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  5. Self-assertiveness seminars. “Fuck off, I’m busy” is the first thing they teach you to say, I believe – not (rookie mistake, surely) “Give me a moment, I’ll be done shortly”.

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  6. urk: I’m not really a fan of the chocolate cha-cha, so I should be okay.

    champs: Some of my co-workers are just too thick-skinned to take a sodding hint.

    luke: It’s for my next trip to visit the sprog in the Windy City. The cabbage is so I can practise.

    rev: It looks like this year’s team-building exercise is sorted.

    andrea: I’ll send you a toasted marshmallow to ease the pain, shall I?

    granny wrangler: Oops, I meant to say f.u.c.k.e.r.

    anne & TGW: I tried to go to one of those, but they told me to fuck off.

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  7. i believe my reaction would be to bill him the difference in the cost between the two flights. Calmly, with an official invoice. And charge interest. For months. At small loans rates. When you hand the growing invoice over every month and he laughs like it’s your little joke, smile thinly at him. Don’t say anything.

    When it has accumulated to a nice chunk of change, take him to small claims court. Time it so that it all goes down right as he is in the middle of a major, high profile project delivery. Either he doesn’t pitch up at court to defend himself and you win, or he misses the deadline and gets fired. Bonus points if you can get an asset repossessed.

    Alternately, and possibly worse, sell his contact details to telemarketers.

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  8. I hate it when colleagues are just too lazy to do something. Just this morning a colleague MSN’d me to do something for them (after volunteering to do it themselves via e-mail to the entire department – management refers to this as “Taking Ownership” and praises this behaviour) – and I told her to sodd off. I told her “do ….” and she got the message. One too many times she’s put on a sweet little voice and said “can you please help me?” or “I’m having a problem” or “Can’t you do it for me” – Uh NO.

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  9. I have two flash cards printed on A3 cardboard for just such occasions. The one reads “Before you ask, the answer is no” and the other “Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either”. In HUGE ANGRY JAGGED RED LETTERS. Flash them when appropriate. And who said red was not a calming colour? 🙂

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  10. spookie: Agreed. “Quiet diplomacy” doesn’t work anywhere.

    moonflake: My case is somewhat weakened by the fact that I was using company equipment for personal use. Fortunately, this wouldn’t bother telemarketers all.

    acidicice: Our management likes us to “drive the process”. I prefer to park off.

    inyoka: I’ll get to it as soon as I finish just this one thing…

    parenthesis: I keep a meat cleaver in my desk drawer. I need to take it out more often.

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