Last night I attended the AGM of the Hamdram Society I belong to. It was as comfortably dull as these things usually are, until we reached the ‘General’ item on the agenda. At this point, a host of loose-bowelled high horses were trotted out and we ended up being splattered with the dung of dodgy dialectic. As entertaining as all of this may have been, I would nevertheless like to offer a few constructive suggestions to some of last night’s speakers:
- If you find yourself losing sight of the fact that this is a social club and not the Brain Surgery Society, or the Cancer Cure Discoverers Club, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
- If you are concerned about membership and want to increase the numbers, you may just want to re-think the strategy of alienating your existing members first. If you believe that delivering a “we’re all doomed” speech while staring at the assembled masses through hopeless, sorrowful eyes is going to motivate anyone at all, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
- If more than one person groans when you stand up to talk, it might be a subtle hint that you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
- If you can’t avoid using hateful abbreviations like ‘ProdSec’ to prove that you savvy the stage lingo, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
- If at any stage you find yourself pompously intoning about how long you’ve been involved in theeah-tahr, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
- If you are the sort who enjoys the dizzying thrill of grandstanding, here’s a bonus tip: it’s not an indication of approval when people roll their eyes heavenward. If you absolutely can’t resist the temptation to try and embarrass and bully others into helping out a whiny-assed director who is too busy playing the martyr to do it himself, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
- If you happen to be a whiny-assed director who can’t find people willing to help you, then you might want to explore the possibility that perhaps there is a very good reason for that. If you still feel the urge to bleat at length about the “stress” you’re under, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
All clear? Good.