Out, damned spotlight

Last night I attended the AGM of the Hamdram Society I belong to. It was as comfortably dull as these things usually are, until we reached the ‘General’ item on the agenda. At this point, a host of loose-bowelled high horses were trotted out and we ended up being splattered with the dung of dodgy dialectic. As entertaining as all of this may have been, I would nevertheless like to offer a few constructive suggestions to some of last night’s speakers:

  • If you find yourself losing sight of the fact that this is a social club and not the Brain Surgery Society, or the Cancer Cure Discoverers Club, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
  • If you are concerned about membership and want to increase the numbers, you may just want to re-think the strategy of alienating your existing members first. If you believe that delivering a “we’re all doomed” speech while staring at the assembled masses through hopeless, sorrowful eyes is going to motivate anyone at all, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
  • If more than one person groans when you stand up to talk, it might be a subtle hint that you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
  • If you can’t avoid using hateful abbreviations like ‘ProdSec’ to prove that you savvy the stage lingo, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
  • If at any stage you find yourself pompously intoning about how long you’ve been involved in theeah-tahr, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
  • If you are the sort who enjoys the dizzying thrill of grandstanding, here’s a bonus tip: it’s not an indication of approval when people roll their eyes heavenward. If you absolutely can’t resist the temptation to try and embarrass and bully others into helping out a whiny-assed director who is too busy playing the martyr to do it himself, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!
  • If you happen to be a whiny-assed director who can’t find people willing to help you, then you might want to explore the possibility that perhaps there is a very good reason for that. If you still feel the urge to bleat at length about the “stress” you’re under, you need to sit down and shut the fuck up!

All clear? Good.


27 thoughts on “Out, damned spotlight

  1. All very clear! And appreciated … 😉
    “I” had problems to keep a straight face [probably didn’t keep it all the time!].

    What a ball …


  2. Oh come on now kyknoord: you’re part of a drama society. Surely that hints at the sheer size of egos you’d be encountering there.
    Not that “shut the fuck up” is not a good answer to just about anything, of course…


  3. I bet Richard Head was one of the dodgy dung flingers, he is the one with Tourette’s Syndrome isn’t he? Or did he get there late and someone had to ad-lib for him till he got there?

    Sounds like a fun evening all in all!! 😀


  4. the crutch: I think I sprained my forehead.

    granny wrangler: – and I’m glad that you’re glad.

    chitty: I’d love to hear the acceptance speeches. On second thought, maybe not.

    anne: You raise an excellent point, but is it too much to expect them to act normal?

    spookie: I didn’t see Dicky Boy there. Maybe he’s brighter than I thought, although odds are good that he just forgot.

    the tart: I get that a lot. It’s weird, but WordPress can’t seem to make up its mind about you.


  5. wait… aren’t drama people meant to be able to read the minutest nuance in audience reaction and smoothly change gears to ensure maximum audience enjoyment of their performance? Or does that only work if the audience is paying?


  6. As a long-time member of a variety of societies, from the arts to Toastmasters, I can tell you that your problems are to be found the world over.

    Social clubs and societies attract three kinds of people: 1. The well-meaning and well-intentioned nice guys (us), 2. The lonely and scared housewife who thinks that attending a society is having a “social life” and 3. The closet Hitlers who last had a decent bowel movement decades ago.

    Several years ago, I lost it during one of my meetings. I stood up, I said to the chairman: “Fuck you,” and stormed out. The chairman resigned and I have been treated like Jesus himself by the rest. I now have my own palm-leaf waving bikini girl as one of my committee perks.

    Maybe you should try a similar approach.


  7. Ah, but you’ve not lived until you’ve attended a banquet where a debate creeps up in volume over the proper way to prepare arrowshafts from native dogwood…

    My theory? Something about “too many monkeys, too few bananas” in these sorts of settings.


  8. Used to be in a theatre society myself. Although, we were cooler and way more chilled. Until it came time to choose the next production. My vision outweighed thiers million to one.
    Anyway, in future, just skip the AGM and go straight to rehersals,


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