…ay, there’s the rub;

The other day, a colleague approached me for advice on a “ahem – delicate” matter. He spent at least ten minutes behaving in a threatening manner towards a small shrub, before coming to the point. An unfortunate choice of words, perhaps, because it turns out that his eldest son is frequently bedevilled by nocturnal emissions+ and he’s been instructed by his wife to “sort it out”. A sticky situation, indeed.

I proposed that the obvious solution would be to buy his son a magazine with interesting articles and let him address the situation with a, shall we say, hands-on approach. Judging from the look of horror that contorted his features when I made the suggestion, it seems that he and my old man belong to the same school of thought on the subject of first-person-shooter games for boys.

When I was a lad, my father took me aside one afternoon to tell me about the birds and the bees++. Unfortunately, The Talk swiftly devolved into an extended rant on The Evils of Masturbation. According to him, it was crime so disgusting and heinous, it was roughly equivalent to smearing yourself with human excrement and going on a kitten-killing rampage. I will be forever grateful to my dear ol’ dad for turning what had previously been an innocent pleasure into a guilty one.

Now that takes some beating.

+ – or as Hamlet would have it, “wet dreams may come”

++ “Fascinating, Dad. Nature is wonderful, isn’t it? Now when are we gonna talk about fucking?”


65 thoughts on “…ay, there’s the rub;

  1. Guilty pleasures are the best, aren’t they?

    Such a different approach to a friend whose teenage son used to lie under the duvet on the sitting room floor while watching TV with the family. When it became obvious that he was devoting too much time to his crotch, his mother would say, ‘Oh Matthew, just go upstairs and sort yourself out!’


  2. “at least ten minutes behaving in a threatening manner towards a small shrub, before coming to the point”. Great description, although ten minutes may be a bit long for the youngsters.


  3. ant: I won’t tell my dad if you don’t.

    alan: Oh yes indeedy. What were Matthew’s family watching, by the way?

    insano: My friend Salman says, “Sex is okay, but it’s not always as good as the real thing”

    atw: Depends on the level of commitment, doesn’t it?

    peas: Perhaps you should say it’s an “interest”, rather than an actual “hobby”.

    tenmiles: “Oh my!” ejaculated Mr Kyknoord. “That’s a hard one to top, Mr Forgottenmachine”


  4. I’m loving the word plays in there! *cough*

    Anyway. These are such times I am just happy I was born to this generation. Ridiculous. That someone must be told to feel guilty for feeling and then satisfying the most basic needs.

    If nothing else, from a HIV prevention focus, tell your colleague it is adviseable to teach his kid to enjoy masturbation, and to use it on himself & his future girlfriends, so as to delay actual sex for as long as possible. (Hmmm. Though that lesson is almost as difficult as teaching kids not to satisfy themselves when the urge, well, arises.)


  5. Keep ’em coming, dude. I could go all night long.

    So was this post just a sperm of the moment thing?

    Oh, stop cringing you lot! You’re just jealous I thought of it first……..


  6. peas: I know that and you know that, but I was thinking we could pull a fast one on my old man.

    parenthesis: Au contraire, I thought it was a penetrating observation.

    tenmiles: Hah! Pull the other one, it’s got bells on.


  7. cedric: – and you thought you would shoot off a quick note to let us know? So much for innuendo. Still, it is impressive that you managed to type “masturbating” with only one hand at your disposal.

    tenmiles: Yup. My ex always used to call me a dickhead. As far as the service goes, some people would say it sucks. Others would say it blows.


  8. Talking to TM today our conversation ran a whole gamut of topics. Including James Spader, S&M, self-mutilation and the fact that [apparently] not everyone has fetishes. Oh, and that I am evil.
    It might have got considerably more interesting, but I put an end to the conversation at that point – this was via the work e-mail server after all. Then I logged here, and came across this post. Certainly gives the term blogging new meaning, eh?


  9. So when you were 9, were girls always asking to see your dingaling?

    And if the service is that bad, maybe you should stop eating out…..

    And with that, FM finally crosses the bounds of good taste, which believe it or not, had up until now been carefully navigated.


  10. tenmiles: I think the HMS Good Taste sailed somewhere around the time the “sperm of the moment” made its appearance. Regarding the other, maybe I should complain to the manager?


  11. In my experience, you NEVER complain to the manager. Do so, and you may go hungry forever.

    Managers like to chat, and grade. That’s why you never fill out the customer service questionnaire either.


  12. alan: Yeah, I understand that Brümilda van Rensburg is quite the hottie.

    tenmiles Indeed :mrgreen: “…I’ll touch my point with this contagion, that, if I gall him slightly, it may be death.”


  13. Ag, Kyk, could suggest a career in the Navy. Master Bates and Seaman Stains would soon..um… beat.. any under belt activity out of the young wippersnapper.

    And Insane Insomniac…have you never heard of the bully wank. (thank you, Girl With a One Track Mind). It’s not bad, but it’s not necessarily nice either.


  14. How is it that you are the ‘go to’ guy for situations like this?! I agree with your methodology even though he didn’t. I’d offer other suggestions but the day is young and I’ve got kittens to kill. Think I’ll skip the first part, though. 😉


  15. tenmiles: “The treacherous instrument is in thy hand, unbated and envenom’d…”

    parenthesis: Hmmm… the Vietnamese Dong is worth about two fifths of sod-all, so I’m not sure how useful one of those would be.

    dolce: True enough. In the Navy, he’d be able to join his fellow man and make a stand, not so?

    rev: You heard it first, right here on the other side of the mountain.

    livewire: Awwww…. but then you’ll miss out on the hole experience.


  16. Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
    Translation: You should masturbate more.

    Have patience, and endure.
    Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to.

    Heaven hath a hand in these events.
    Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson video?

    O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
    Translation: Honesty isn’t necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

    I’ll note you in my book of memory.
    Translation: Don’t expect me to call the day after.


  17. Haha, lovely. You’ve got to love anachronistic moral standards.

    And to Ant and Peas: Listen, am I allowed to call you masturbators now? 😉

    Is there even an uuum, non-guilty solution to such problem?


  18. one of my favourite quotes was from some documentary (or maybe the daily show, I’m getting senile dementia lately), and they had the ex-US Surgeon General, a southern black lady in her 60’s 70’s who had campaigned tirelessly for masturbation to be promoted as a means of preventing teen pregnancy, HIV and so on…she stated “70 percent of all people masturbate, and the other 30 percent are lying”


  19. tenmiles: I’ll fax you a Kleenex.

    parenthesis: “I like thy wit well, in good faith”

    kevin: Sure there is. Rubber sheets.

    peas: I’m impressed. I abstained until I hit puberty.

    betenoir: I think her campaign must have paid off. People are always calling me a wanker.

    katt: There can be no higher purpose.


  20. parenthesis: It’s a conspiracy by Big Tobacco. They would rather have us do something else with our hands.

    Jam: Hell no! I kept my sheets pristine by means of the simple, but effective method described in the post.

    ‘zilla: It’s not a strictly-enforced policy. I am open to alternatives.


  21. dude- by the time i read this i was perspiring from laughing hysterically AND i needed my asthma pump!
    my colleague was giggling hysterically at me even though she didn’t know what i was laughing at and that made me giggle even more!
    kyk, few people can be as funny as you are without actually swearing!


  22. Pingback: Post of the Week » Blog Archive » Shortlisted posts: week ending 2/3/2007.

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