The Amazing Human Archive!

There may be fifty ways to leave your lover (and only one way to exit a aircraft), but there are at least a thousand ways to piss me off first thing in the morning. Here is the latest in the series:

Scene: An office. KYKNOORD, seated at a paper-covered desk, is muttering angrily to himself as he attempts to proofread the most incoherent report the entire world.

ANNOYING COLLEAGUE: [Enters stage right and parks his enormous backside on the corner of KYKNOORD’s desk, precipitating a minor avalanche of files] Do you remember that project we did out in Gatlaagte in the ‘nineties?
KYKNOORD: Vaguely. Why?
ANNOYING COLLEAGUE: Ja well, Mr Skaapsteker from the council phoned and there’s a big problem with the rising main in Kleinballes Street. What was the design flow for that pipe?
KYKNOORD: How the fuck do you expect me to remember a detail like that? I mean, seriously?
ANNOYING COLLEAGUE: [Looks puzzled and hurt. Pouts a little. Splutters impotently for a few seconds]: B-b-but I thought…

And thus begins a lengthy and frustrating conversation which essentially hinges on the fact that my colleague can’t quite fathom why I don’t have total recall of events that took place when people under twenty still bought Madonna CDs.

Obviously my reputation as the organic answer to Google is spreading.


37 thoughts on “The Amazing Human Archive!

  1. jip! If I got paid for all the jobs i apparently do (IT, libarian, desk researcher, holder of archiac info from before I worked here, general bottle washer) I’d be rich. RICH, I tell you!


    Why aren’t we running the world?


  2. I’m tickled pink by crime series on television, during the course of which one or more of the would be perpetrators are asked where they were on the evening of 19 June 2005, between the hours of 21:00 and 01:00 – and their flawless delivery of the answer. I can’t even remember what I did last week, or where I was, so this remarkable ability is cause for no small wonder. This may be because I actually LIVE my life and don’t have the time, inclination or brain power to clutter up today with last week, last year or last millennium .
    * Could be why I’m not the world’s greatest blogger.


  3. I know the feeling.

    “bet, I’ve lost my send button! where did it go!”
    “how do you cut and paste into an email?”
    “what does copyright protected mean?”
    “where did you put that thing, you know, with the stuff in it…from last year, when you didn’t even work here yet…you know, the thingy!,/i>”


  4. granny wrangler: Let’s see now… the sun has how many billion years before it eats the earth…?

    dolce: Hold that thought for tonight, Pinky.

    parenthesis: Life depends on the liver. Occasionally onions, too.

    anne: You certainly have a fertile imagination.

    peas: Cave. Hmmm. That give me an idea…

    forgottenmachine: I can’t wait to see the search results that throws up.

    rev: Maybe I was a bit harsh, but at least I spoke truly.

    betenoir: I think your office and mine use the same employment agency.


  5. forgottenmachine: I think I’m gonna throw up.

    urk: My ex got the house. The word is she’s planning to sell it to some dude called Maverick.

    o-d: I wish they would just leave me alone. No, wait – I wish for a pile of money and a new car… how many wishes do I get?


  6. Come on.. I think you’re taking the easy way out! You know you have the ability, you just need the motivation!

    Now go back over countless years of work and remember it, so next time someone asks you may quote the documents verbatim.


  7. iarewearingthejeanpant: Ja, I are also finking the same stuffs.

    kevin: Will that make me a master verbatimer?

    alan: That too.

    terri: I’m sure it does, but I’m not. I mostly just glare at people and they somehow equate this with wisdom.

    peas: You too, no & me too! :mrgreen:


  8. Sheesh, man, I’m sorry to hear that you’re working with such horrible coworkers, but I’m hoping that you can help me…

    My brother and I were talking last night. Do you remember that one time we were role-playing and you met that dragon? We seem to be in disagreement as to what he rolled for damage during the second round of combat. Do you know if he rolled a 12 or a 14?


  9. Gatlaagte.Pffffwhahahahahahaa!
    Now what was the name of Mr Skaapsteker’s PA again?
    Where did i put my pen?
    Why do birds suddenly appear?


  10. Just got a message from Mr Skaapsteker. He asked if he could deal directly with you and not your colleague.

    Oh, and that main is still rising.



  11. Funny thing, I was just about to ask you if you recalled that one post I wrote about that certain topic when I used that one word that I usually don’t use? Well, yeah, what was that word again? Face it, word of your superpowers has gotten out, even to your dull witted co-workers.


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