Spam recipes

I get a steady stream of visitors who navigate their way here by means of some really peculiar search terms. One of my favourite daily diversions is to sift through my stats and see if there are any sparkly gems twinkling away in the dull gravel of mediocrity. I am seldom disappointed.

However, my comment filter has also been snagging some real winners lately. It seems the spammers have upped the ante a fraction, so instead of the usual Good job and great design! followed by ten zillion links, I’ve been treated to the following:

  • Please destroy my wife
  • Good information source for stupid naked people
  • Approved articles about big booty
  • Pros and cons of David Beckham tattoo
  • Popular authors of exploding brain syndrome
  • Relevant search results for free defenestration demonstration

It almost seems a shame to delete them.

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23 thoughts on “Spam recipes

  1. Radio SA live in London … now there’s something you don’t hear every day.

    Oh and before my brain explodes and I destroy my wife, where can I get them approved articles on big booty for when I’m with my stupid naked tattoo-ed friends down at the next defenstration rally with David Beckham?

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  2. Dude, you rock too much. Just checked the button on the side – god I laughed. I think I may just use it!

    and… “Please destroy me wife…” – what a classic!

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  3. Ah, you’ve pre-empted my post of a similar nature. Great minds. At least yours have creative diversity, mine are just shocking and nauseating on *so* many levels. Just think of the content and the abnormal levels of profanity and the mind boggles.

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  4. You get the best spam and the best search phrases! I’m so jealous. I’ve been keeping a list since I ran into the “You were looking for?” section on your blog Kyk – so far the strangest one I’ve had was : ants won’t eat margerine?! I have no idea how that got linked to me but, oh well?

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  5. luke: It’s an open secret that South Africa is invading England one immigrant at a time. The next phase (to take control of the media) is now underway.

    del: Bummer. I don’t really “get” Russian humour, so it would be lost on me, too.

    kevin: You never know, it may just work (and David lends the campaign a certain element of authority).

    xGW: I get those too. If I was a goat, I’d be verrry nervous.

    louisa: They won’t? Damn! After all the money I spent on my margerine-powered ant trap.

    martin: I’m sure you’ll spot a window of opportunity.

    dolce: Uncanny, isn’t it?

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  6. I want to know how you get these things yet it frightens me a little. Even more than exploding brain syndrome. But not as much as the Beckham tattoo.

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  7. livewire: They seem to pick random words and phrases out of the archive in the hope that something will stick. Today’s top 3:
    Very actual information about brown paul
    This site is about canal boat
    Technologies of donut mobile

    peas: Ah yes, but do you have a “Give Kevin money” badge?

    jeanpant: I’ll email you the link, shall I?

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  8. That could be rearranged to create a wonderful* short story.

    “While researching free defenestration techniques, my wife needs destroying, I came across some information specifically for naked people. Unfortunately, they must have been purely for the stupid as they all concerned David Beckham and his tattoos, which, interesting topic as that is, just was not relevant. And as for the big booty? I ask you.
    Luckily there was an unexplained incident of Exploding Brain Syndrome and I no longer need anyone to be destroyed.”

    *wonderful may not be quite the word I’m needing here.

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  9. oh the joys of spam!
    i am not getting it in my comments- but i’m having more and more of it slip through my email filters!
    i don’t think i have a penis…

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  10. oops… that looks really strange!
    i didn’t finish writing what i was thnking- i meant to say that all the spam i’m getting is about premature ejaculation and penis enlargement! don’t they know i’m a girl…?

    Like

  11. I love spamlicious names.

    Ksenia drakeford
    Gwyllim Webster
    Agnes bradish
    Guillermo Admission

    Guillermo Admission is genius. I wish I were married to him. Then Id be Mrs. Admission. Which is just damn silly. Instead, I’m just me:
    Hilaria Goldbeat.

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  12. mjw: What can I say? My spam has class.
    betenoir: Hang on, I think there was something in there about “butt pirates”. Is that what you were after?
    fence: Going to the nth degree, I see. As far as the story goes, I think you’re onto something. Please make the royalty cheque out to K.N. Pepper.
    angel: Maybe you should avoid wearing khaki. Just in case.
    crabmommy: I always wanted to be Malcolm Administration. Then I could work for the government and pull down the big bucks.

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  13. I just got Portuguese spam on my latest post. I had to run it through a translation before i could figure that out though. Is it still spam if you don’t understand it?

    On email spam – the ones where they string together bits of sentences – I had a couple that were almost poetry. I was thinking of posting spam like that somewhere, but then I just deleted it 😉

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  14. I once got a “please translate” e-mail from my very British (and elderly) colleague at the office – she just assumed (without reading it properly) that the “e-mail” was in Afrikaans. It was spam. of the porn kind. It was rather difficult to explain it to her (but I think the pictures I attached helped). aaah. fond memories…

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  15. What scares me is that I can understand all of these except Beck’s tattoos and the big booty. Is there anything you aren’t telling us? 😀

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  16. Hey Kyk. Wanted to pick your bendy brain. So I used to be able to see these through Stat counter on my old blogspot account. I’ve reregistered my new one, and it’s not picking up the “come from” stats. Where do you get yours (or is that “kneed to no”?)

    Like

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