Phony playstation

Several days ago, Salman was telling me how he’d managed to streamline my (admittedly ponderous and wordy+) technique of dealing with unsolicited phone calls at the office.

I was engaged in a particularly difficult task yesterday afternoon when the phone rang and shattered my concentration. My annoyance swifly transformed into delight when I realised it was one such unsolicited call and I would have a chance to test out the Salman Method:

CALLER: [Reading from his scipt] HelloisthatMister – Kikenirt?++
ME: What’s this about?
CALLER: [Still following his script] HelloMisterKikenirt. CanIhaveamomentofyourtime. Iwouldliketotellyouaboutafantasticnewoffer-
ME: Can I have your fax number, please?
CALLER: [Confused] Er – sorry?
ME: Your fax number
CALLER: [Playing for time. Furiously searching script] Fax number?
ME: Yes, I’d like to know where to send the invoice.
CALLER: [Starting to panic. Still searching script] Invoice?
ME: Of course. You called me at work. I expect to be compensated for the time you’re wasting.
CALLER: [Gives up on script and tries to use own brain] Er… er…er… [realises mistake] *click*

Total time of call: 41 seconds+++.

I was in a much better mood when I returned to the task at hand: composing a sufficiently inappropriate message for one of my colleagues who is getting married this coming weekend.

+ Hey, if the shoe fits…

++ Okay, that wasn’t precisely what the caller said, but it gives an idea of the amusing manner in which he managed to mangle my name (which isn’t difficult to pronounce at all. Seriously)

+++ Not too shabby, hey Nige? I think we can conclude that the Salman Method works pretty well.


22 thoughts on “Phony playstation

  1. Bwahahahaha! That’s a stroke of pure genius. I’m totally trying that next time…only… I’m going to inject more of a threat of violence and dismemberment into it. Because I like violent dismemberment. And I do not twinkle!!!!!!


  2. I think that my approach is still shorter: “Hi, can I…”
    “Excuse me, but…”
    Satisfying click.


  3. twinkly betenoir: Sure. You keep telling yourself that :mrgreen:

    xGW: Oh, I’m still ignoring the “private” calls to my mobile. This one was to my work number. Incidentally, the latest count (excluding your call) of unsuccessful attempts to reach me from a “number withheld” phone was 39.

    cedric: That’s probably why Scott hates you, Dr Evil Cedric.

    ekke: You like it – it’s yours. Now phone all your friends at work and tell them, too.


  4. I love it when they ask me if I am Mrs / Miss xxx. If I can hear it’s someone trying to sell me something, I simply say no and then they go away…


  5. *rubs hands evily together and cackles*

    My other one is “have YOU got one of these fine, one-of-a-kind, special offer flibberdegibbits?”


    “And why not”



  6. Awesome idea. Trying that, Vaughn’s and Jam’s – anything! I’ve bought car insurance, a service plan and a MF policy all in the space of two weeks so need ideas.


  7. Awesome!

    Reminds me of my father after an incredibly hard day sitting down to eat. This was before caller ID was common, so he answered the phone when it rang. “This better not be a sales call!” He said it in a much stronger voice than he ever used on me. There was some stuttering and a very quick hang up on the other end.


  8. All of these are great! I’m so trying some of them. I used to be sympathetic and think “shame, it’s their jobs, ya know. cut them some slack”. But now…it’s pretty much cedric’s method that works for me.


  9. Ah, but it’s unlikely you caused actual physical pain. Mental anguish only works against those with sufficient mental capacity greater than that found in amoebae, slime mould and lawyers.


  10. vaughnd: I like them to think they have a sporting chance – at least in the beginning.

    xGW: Sounds like a chest cold. You might want to get that looked at.

    jam: Mrs xXx? I’m impressed. Please tell Vin Diesel that I’m a big fan.

    dolce: Oh wow, I’ve been looking for one of those for ages.

    wezzo: You have? Well then perhaps you’d also be interested in Dolce’s one-of-a-kind, special offer fibberdegibbits?

    peas: Rude, but nevertheless considerate. After all, you are trying to save their breath.

    sophie: Probably a good thing that you never tried to sell anything to your old man then.

    tbhanks: It’s a lot kinder to be abrupt. That way, you don’t get their hopes up, only to dash the cup from their lips later.

    idlelayabout: True enough, although I’m less concerned with inflicting pain than reducing my own.

    terri: Broadband? Have I got a deal for you…

    angel: You know, cursing is allowed here. Anyone who doesn’t like it can duck my sick.


  11. I just disconnect the call without answering but Salman’s method definitely has more flair.

    Fortunately my ‘phone has been ‘withheld’ free for nearly two weeks now. *bliss*


  12. Excellent!

    Does Hellkom not have a way to prevent such calls coming in? We recently moved house and when transferring our telephone BT asked if we would like to avoid advertising calls.

    So far, so good.


  13. luke: But then I’d have to offer some sort of guarantee. Ugh. Too much admin.

    katt: Lucky you. I’m still as popular as ever.

    inyoka: I’m sure it’s possible. Whether Hellkom would be able to figure out how to do it is highly improbable.

    anicker: Like a concrete life-jacket :mrgreen:


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