Hello, I’m a strange man from the internet

and I'll eat pie if I want to
I was having coffee with Andrew a couple of nights ago and owing to my (fairly) recent shipwreck in the rocky Straits of Romance, our discussion turned to the subject of Moving On. This naturally evolved into an examination of the exciting world of internet dating. Although I’ve met a number of people via the blog, I’ve never actually done the proper fill-in-the-checklist-and-meet-your-soulmate thing. Andrew has, and he was kind enough to share some of his insights:

The primary flaw with online matchmaking sites is that most straight guys – whether they care to admit it or not – are (a) not actually sure what they want in a partner and (b) hard-wired by evolution to seek out pretty faces. They tend to narrow their choices by automatically rejecting anyone who appears to be suffering from Ed Zachary Syndrome, regardless of how strongly the computer believes they and Bachelorette No 1 would make a really cute couple.

The secondary, but far more insidious flaw kicks in when the prospective suitor starts to investigate his potential future ex-wife’s profile in more detail. This is where he learns that virtually every. single. one. of them enjoys long walks on the beach, piña colada, getting caught in the rain and so forth. The ones that boldly claim, “I ate Hitler’s liver!” stand out in sharp contrast to the clichéd majority and naturally provoke interest. The obvious drawback is that these “interesting” ones are completely and utterly batshit crazy. It seems to be one of those immutable laws of the internet.

If you need me, I’ll be in my comfort zone. Eating pie.

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67 thoughts on “Hello, I’m a strange man from the internet

  1. and the gentlemen my age? all seeking “Hard-bodied 25 year old monogamous slut”. They are all “young-at-heart” (ie: their skin doesn’t fit), “seeking adventure” (ie: haven’t had a blow job in decades. at least not one they weren’t paying for) and have a “great sense of humor” (ie: like to play “dutch oven” in the bedroom).

    yeah. i haven’t done it either. what kind of pie do you have? i have chocolate pecan and it’s yummy…

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  2. “…potential future ex-wife…” What an optimist you are!
    Doubt I’ll ever venture into the realm of Internet dating but thanks for the heads up – no walking, no sissy drinks, etc.
    What the hell ever happened to opposites attract?

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  3. I just shake my head and sigh. I’ve threatened to sign up my hubby on some of those sites just for the fun of it. The creepiness of it all is just too much for me.
    Ok..have to admit that I had to look up “dutch oven” from Daisy’s answer..I am more enlightened everyday by my blog lurking.

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  4. I like that your comfort zone includes pie. 🙂

    And personally, I don’t like piña coladas or getting caught in the rain. But then, I’m married… Good luck with it all.

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  5. LOL! People will say any crap on those sites and most of the pics are false..

    Best thing to do is believe nothing you read and only half of what you hear 😉

    P.S. everyone is dodgy.. you just need to find the one that has acceptable dodgy-ness for you 😉

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  6. Ugh. Liver. Hitlerliver sangwiches. Not enough P sauce in the world, man.

    It’s not the ones who try to act crazy you gots to worry about: it’s the ones with tiny poodles who insist they’re sane.

    In other news: Iron Man 2- so awesome it should be sold to depressives.

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    • Be not concerned, sweet one. Astrophysicists are perfectly capable of speculating about the conditions in the interior of the sun without entertaining any plans to actually go there.

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  7. Hahahaha – batshit crazy – like that 1. You stole my line so I shall now proceed to steal yours, o ‘strange man from the internet!’ : )

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  8. Oh the internet dating!

    There are NO pleasant surprises when you meet the person! Every one a nutter.

    Or maybe it’s just my irresistable nutter pull.

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  9. I don’t want to bring the party to a grinding halt but sometimes you never really move on. You learn to live with the loss, but you don’t actually move away from it. And the Eyeball is correct. Seven weeks is NOTHING! Talk to me in December and let me know how it’s going.

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  10. Dearest Dolce & Kyk,

    In the words of everyone here who doesn’t know the story – Really, you can’t make it work? : (

    Watching you both comment on each others bloggies is, well, weird. In this day and age of … therapy, astrology, acupuncture, men-on-the-moon, iPads & internet dating, Lady Gaga, fertility – men getting preggers, Justin Bieber, etc … You can’t find a way?

    Here are hopeful smooches & sincerest wishes, that you both find an arbitrator to help you get back together officially!

    Xx00 kiss kiss,
    The Tart

    Kyk … No brutal comedic response pls, my hormones are in Jupiter's orbit & I am crying at McDonalds commercials. Be Kind, dude!

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  11. But, but… how can you slow dance, when ’tis an Internet romance?

    Oh, I SEEEE. You merely CONNECT online and THEN you meet in real life? SCARY!

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  12. Having dipped into the internet dating pool a few times I can tell you this: the profiles can only rule people out. Yes, we all look for someone we find attractive. And we all have deal-breakers that we screen for (one of mine is men who are looking for much younger women – a pox on them!) But beyond that, it’s a crap shoot. So you email a few times and then meet for coffee or dinner. I can tell immediately if there’s any hope. And the men I really have enjoyed relationships didn’t necessarily have profiles that wowed me.

    But at the moment, I’m kind of ready for a piece of pie. And lots of wine.

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  13. Maybe I’m weird, or old, or something, but I know a lot of people who met on internet dating services. My brother-in-law the singer met his gorgeous opera star wife on J date. A woman from my residency met her husband. In today’s society, it’s hard to meet people if you’re not introduced by friends or meet them at work. It seems like an OK idea. You’ll meet a lot of weirdos, but nice people, too. People who like pie. Maybe you’ll meet a woman who owns a pie shop.

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  14. Kyk. So happy you are back. hello lovely man.

    I don’t know anything about internet dating so i researched it for you (because that’s the kind of girl i am – thank me later). I really don’t have any printable comments on pie-eating, so i will stick to the definitions of internet dating you should be aware/ wary of”

    40-ish = 49
    Adventurous = Slept with everyone
    Athletic = No boobs
    Average looking = Ugly, can only be loved by mommy
    Beautiful = Pathological liar, airhead
    Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
    Emotionally Secure = On medication
    Feminist = Fat, hates men
    Free Spirit = Junkie
    Friendship first = Former very “friendly” person
    Fun = Annoying
    New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
    Open Minded = Desperate
    Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
    Passionate = Sloppy Drunk
    Professional = Bitch
    Voluptuous = Very Fat
    Large Frame = Hugely Fat
    Needs soul mate = Stalker

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    • anicker – dude, have been sitting at my desk trying to suppress loud fits of laughter while pretending to work. Vey funny and accurate!

      Also have no printable pie-eating comments other than – take small bite Kyk. Savour the pie.

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  15. I’m old enough that “computer dating” or “internet dating” were just wild dreams in some future geek’s imagination my first time ’round. When it came time to consider partnering up again, I signed up on one of the free sites to peruse the profiles. (It’s much like ebay, isn’t it?)

    Anyways, my internet dating sites were cut short when, after entering all my data on preferences, the site produced a likely gal who just happened to possess the same first name as my late wife. That was too creepy for me, so that was that.

    Oddly, though I met my second wife via the internet. However, it was on a site one where one would really never expect to find a partner.

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  16. i did the internet dating thing. it was radical. like a takeout menu – so easy to choose from. although, more often than not….like any takeout meal….it’s not very satisfying.

    but if you’ve got the munchies, and you need a quick fix. you can’t go far wrong.

    just stay away from the hitler-liver-eating ones…

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