This isn’t helping

The good cop / bad cop approach is particularly effective if you play both roles yourself
Ever since my divorce, my old school chum Mr Seagull has been trying to set me up with one of Cthulhu’s offspring his friends. I’ve met her before and while I’m sure she’s a lovely person and all that, she makes my hackles rise+. I also know that I have a similar effect on her. To put it bluntly: we just don’t like one another. It happens. People fall in loathe all the time. My numerous attempts to explain this to Seagull Boy have fallen on ears of cloth and he firmly clings to the erroneous belief that she and I are perfect for one another.

He grudgingly let the matter drop for a while, but when I told him about my recent break-up, the flame of his resolve instantly reignited with renewed vigour. I could hear the gears furiously turning even as the words “Bummer, dude. That’s harsh” left his disingenuous lips.

Several weeks later, I got the inevitable invitation:

“Dinner, you say? How nice. So who else have you invited?”
“Oh, just a few friends”
“Right. I don’t suppose she happens to be on the guest list?”
“Who?”
“Don’t play coy with me; I’m not in the mood”
“Er – uh, that is -”
“DON’T EVEN FUCKING THINK OF LYING, OR IT WILL GO VERY BADLY FOR YOU!”
mumble
“Sorry? Didn’t quite catch that”
“Yes. She’ll be there”
“Oh, what a shame, it turns out I’m busy that night after all”

That’s the trouble with faith. Rational arguments simply don’t work against a true believer.

+ Perhaps if she made other things rise, it wouldn’t be quite so dire, but she doesn’t and it is *shudder*

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50 thoughts on “This isn’t helping

  1. the few friends i have who have considered matchmaking me? i simply reminded them of the trail of broken humans littering my wake… funny, but it’s no longer an issue. that or i’ve become irepairably homely. i’ll stick with the first explanation…

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  2. i fall in loathe more often than not. i like the term falling in loathe” and i will most likely steal it and use it often.

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  3. Kinda makes me wonder if Speed Hating would take off as a popular form of social discourse. Anger Management meets Bloodsport.
    You keen?

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  4. Gorilla Bananas makes an excellent point.
    Plus, you know that the writing is on the wall and that your “friend” (i use the word lightly) is not going to stop trying until you’re reduced to a blubbering mess. Agree to the experiment while your dignity is still whole! We’ll come up with justifications!

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  5. Gah. I once told my friend’s I’d become a lesbian in the hopes they’d stop trying to set me up. It worked for a while, until a girl with a baseball cap and a ring through her bottom lip joined the gang. Then it was a free-for-all and I was the bait.

    Sigh. Friends, if they weren’t so full of shit we wouldn’t need them at all.

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  6. With friends like Seagull Boy, who needs enemies, eh?

    Seagull is an interesting choice of nickname. Around my neck of the woods, it’s a bit derogatory: Aw, he’s like a seagull. If he ain’t squawkin’, he’s shittin’.

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