The Axe Man cometh

Hah!  Suck it, you bastard
Earlier this week, senior management informed us that the corporate tree surgeons would be paying us a visit. The memo they circulated said – in essence – “There are traitors in our ranks, but these individuals have been identified and they will be dealt with appropriately. Long live Mother Russia!”

Of course, since our esteemed leaders did not see fit to tell us who’d been targeted for the chop, the paranoia level in the office went up by several orders of magnitude. Almost immediately after the announcement, a flurry of résumés flew out into the ether in search of new opportunities.

Management clearly weren’t expecting anyone to jump before being pushed, but owing to the relatively small and incestuous nature of the industry, it wasn’t long before word filtered back to the upper echelons that the rats were eyeing the lifeboats.

The panic only set in when they suddenly realised that they could end up losing technical staff they actually might need to keep the company’s projects on track. That “oh shit” moment was beautiful to behold, although the hasty and amateurish attempts at damage control that followed were considerably less so.

The good news is I won’t be clearing out my desk just yet. Actually, that’s the bad news, too.

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37 thoughts on “The Axe Man cometh

  1. I’m assuming the echo of the collective sigh of relief is still ringing in your ears.
    Don’t let the job-straitjacketsecurity feeling get to you now.

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  2. oh, my… so perhaps the employees have also learned a lesson in “sub-vision” (the art of managing your supervisors). that if you band together, you can perhaps get your corporate leadership to perform like trained monkeys.

    and hey, you could turn that old barn into a stage, and put on a show for the whole town! Lydia knows how to juggle, Little Dave can juggle on the unicycle, and kyknoord can stick a wet spoon to his forehead…. we could make tens of dollars!

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  3. “He’ll set up a meeting with someone that you absolutely trust, guaranteeing your safety. And at that meeting, you’ll be assassinated.”

    I got laid off last week and I’m still ambivalent about it. I’m upset that my comfortable routine has been disrupted, then again my severance is sweet and I can play Super Street Fighter IV on the PS3 all day now.

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    • Having just rented “Up in the Air” a few nights ago, I have to agree whole-heartedly. George Clooney can fire me any day of the week. Or even on the weekend. Or even in the morning or early afternoon, when my night owl self is usually sound asleep. What I’m say is, I would wake up early on a Sunday to be fired by George Clooney.

      Somehow I doubt Kyknoord would agree. Unless there’s something Kyknoord would like to share with the group. We’re listening, friend.

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  4. I think I mentioned in the comments for your previous post that several jobs were axed at our head office last week. Have just learned that I’ve got a new job description that includes more responsibilities starting July 1st….but no pay increase to go with it. I’m gonna need a doppelganger 😦

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  5. Serves them right. Management fails to grasp that it is the symbiotic relationship with staff that gives them the big bucks. A friend recently quit because he could never get ‘leave’. Despite being owed 30 days leave he’s not be allowed attend the World Cup. After the resignation letter they’re now giving him a months leave and an increase.

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  6. Richard Chesler: [Reading a piece of paper] The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club?
    Narrator: [Voice-over] I’m half asleep again; I must’ve left the original in the copy machine.
    Richard Chesler: The second rule of Fight Club – is this yours?
    Narrator: Huh?
    Richard Chesler: Pretend you’re me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do?
    Narrator: [pauses] Well, I gotta tell you: I’d be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that… is dangerous.
    [Gets up from the chair]
    Narrator: [Talking slowly] And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you’ve known for years. Someone very, very close to you.
    Narrator: [Voice-over] Tyler’s words coming out of my mouth.
    [Snatches the piece of paper from boss’ hands]
    Narrator: [Voice-over] And I used to be such a nice guy.
    Narrator: Or maybe you shouldn’t bring me every little piece of trash you happen to pick up.

    Good news and bad news. Do they cancel each other out?

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