the other side of the mountain

difficile est saturam non scribere

FIFA-fo-fum

Posted on 9 June 2010 by kyknoord

THE OFFICIAL(TM) COMIC OF THE FIFA(TM) 2010(TM) WORLD CUP(TM)
The 2010 FIFA World Cup starts in South Africa on Friday.

Yes, I know that I should be thrilled to the very core of my being, despite being relentlessly bombarded with media hype for the past three fucking years.

Yes, I know that I ought to be grateful that a sizeable portion of my rates and taxes was spent constructing a venue that looks exactly like an enormous toilet bowl (yes, Cape Town Stadium, I’m talking about you).

Yes, I know that I should joyfully bow down before the Mighty and Benevolent God FIFA and give on-demand blowjobs to High Priest Sepp Blatter or risk being branded as a traitor to my country.

Thanks, but I’d rather not.

61 thoughts on “FIFA-fo-fum”

dinahmow on 9 June 2010 at 01:35 said:

Overheard recently in a small Queensland town: “I really hope the Socceroos win cos then we’ll be able t’ have the Cup [played] here.”

I just may become devoutly religious and pray it never happens…

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 09:31 said:
  
  There are no atheists in finals.
  
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renalfailure on 9 June 2010 at 02:31 said:

So you’re looking at the World Cup like most Americans do…

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- renalfailure on 9 June 2010 at 02:36 said:
  
  Also, how did it slip past me that you’re in South Africa? I’m usually more perceptive… but it has been a rough month and it’s the Stanley Cup finals…
  
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  - kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 09:36 said:
    
    Don’t worry, I confuse a lot of people. I think it’s because I mumble.
    
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robinaltman on 9 June 2010 at 02:34 said:

One of my sons is really into the World Cup. I thought it was, you know, a big cup. You could hold a lot of liquid in a big cup. Beer, a nice big cup of tea, Diet Coke. I’d like a big cup shaped like a toilet bowl for my birthday.

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 09:37 said:
  
  I’m sure you can buy Cape Town Stadium merchandise online.
  
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nursemyra on 9 June 2010 at 02:53 said:

I felt the same way when the Olympics were held in Sydney

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 09:38 said:
  
  I can imagine. We have vuvuzelas to make the occasion extra special.
  
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secret agent woman on 9 June 2010 at 02:58 said:

I know nothing about soccer. But I did read about some visiting team being overwhelmed by an oppressively bad smelling smog.

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 09:39 said:
  
  They must have been attending a FIFA press-conference.
  
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  - secret agent woman on 13 June 2010 at 22:57 said:
    
    I think they were on the field, but I can’t say I read the article closely.
    
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michaelm on 9 June 2010 at 03:00 said:

No one can say what he feels with such brevity and humour like you, K
Your intelligence continues to astound me.
As far as sports go, here’s to big balls.
Off to watch the Celtics hopefully kick the LA’s ass.
~m

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 09:46 said:
  
  Thanks, dude. Brevity is always a virtue – except in the bedroom.
  
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Malach the Merciless on 9 June 2010 at 04:25 said:

Hey it the once every four years US Americans might watch Soccer, YAY!

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 09:51 said:
  
  Once every four years? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
  
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Rob on 9 June 2010 at 04:44 said:

You mean it’s not over yet?

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 09:51 said:
  
  Nope. And we aren’t there yet either, so stop kicking the seat and leave your sister alone!
  
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Gorilla Bananas on 9 June 2010 at 07:21 said:

Think of it as a great opportunity to go out while everyone else is glued to the TV set. Won’t the beaches be less crowded?

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 09:53 said:
  
  Probably not, although that might also be because it’s winter.
  
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daisyfae on 9 June 2010 at 11:36 said:

although it’s on a much smaller scale (without that ‘international involvement and massive influx of tourists’), i’ve found that going out to run errands during the Superbowl (which, IS a big toilet, by the way) is much like being in an episode of “The Twilight Zone” (need more parenthesis here just to make this comment completely unreadable).

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 13:36 said:
  
  Which episode? Is it the one with the gremlin on the wing?
  
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Flutter on 9 June 2010 at 12:04 said:

So you won’t be blowing you vuvzela at noon?

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 13:43 said:
  
  I hope that isn’t a double entendre for orally pleasuring Sepp Blatter.
  
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  - Flutter on 10 June 2010 at 14:13 said:
    
    Eew.
    
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hisqueen on 9 June 2010 at 16:58 said:

Pardon my ignorance but what exactly is FIFA? And all stadiums look like giant toilet bowls. The only difference here is that the name changes every few years when one advertisers contract is up and another out bids them. I still live in the days that it was Browns or Indians stadiums and that was that.

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 21:23 said:
  
  FIFA is the world’s largest distributor of squamata-derived oil products.
  
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Stephanie of Stopbouncing on 9 June 2010 at 17:14 said:

and here I thought FIFA was something that was cured with penicillin.

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 21:25 said:
  
  The only way to cure FIFA would be to drop a tactical nuke on their headquarters in Zurich. Not that I would advocate such a course of action. No, indeedy. Definitely not.
  
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Briget on 9 June 2010 at 17:17 said:

Spank me with rubber.. You got yourself a really nice theme here !!!

I am with you on the whoe SWC hype thing.. I feel like the grinch that ruined xmas..

HOWEVER!!

If this was rugby.. Ek het die GEEES 😉

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 21:29 said:
  
  Have you tried getting an exorcist?
  
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Eileen on 9 June 2010 at 18:13 said:

I believe it was Douglas Adams that said,

“We can’t win against obsession. They care, we don’t. They win.”

A fucking awful fuckity fuck of a thing.

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 21:36 said:
  
  At least we can console ourselves that winning isn’t everything. Just like the national team will have to
  
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mjw on 9 June 2010 at 18:27 said:

OMG I’ve finally found my tribe!

(PS I always thought the stadium looked more like a drain plug hole. Observe:

http://twitpic.com/14xhee

)

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 21:42 said:
  
  Toilets and plug holes both connect to the same system, so either will do.
  
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The Unbearable Banishment on 9 June 2010 at 19:21 said:

It could be worse. It could be the Olympics. There are usually several gutted facilities left in its wake. You’re lucky it’s only one teeny stadium.

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 21:52 said:
  
  It’s not just the one stadium. They’ve been built in all the major centres, but only the Cape Town one looks like something Cthulhu would take a dump in.
  
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  - The Unbearable Banishment on 9 June 2010 at 23:40 said:
    
    I had to Google Cthulhu.Ha. Funny. Does he know Mr. Spaghetti Monster?
    
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    - kyknoord on 10 June 2010 at 19:45 said:
      
      Distant cousins. On the Italian side.
      
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anicker on 9 June 2010 at 19:57 said:

Well. I never though i would see the day that i would buy a Vuvuzela (apparently it is Zulu for “shoot the Boer” – they had to change it from VuvuZulu after a few unfortunate misunderstandings). but i did. we also had the biggest flag (size does matter) that i courageously climbed out onto the roof to deploy (where is the Sunday Times when you need them) – i have pics, but after drinking wine since the big roof-walk, i have no idea how to upload a link to it.

Face it – the World Cup is like a Karoo Wedding – potentially hard work, someone always scores, someone always cry, embarrassing pics will follow and it is over before you can say “tant-koek-se-hoenderhaan” – but ultimately, if you DO get into it, immensely fun. Just don’t drive or drink Brandy. at the same time. Fifa won’t approve.

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- kyknoord on 9 June 2010 at 21:55 said:
  
  I have a steel vuvuzela. Ok, it used to be called a “blunderbuss”, but I am willing to embrace change for the greater good.
  
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thegnukid on 10 June 2010 at 04:03 said:

i can’t believe you uttered the word vuvuzela multiple times here… there may be children reading! sex education is for the street corners just after puberty!

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- kyknoord on 10 June 2010 at 19:47 said:
  
  Don’t be a hater. I’m just trying to give them a head start.
  
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Scarlet on 10 June 2010 at 14:08 said:

*sobs* As all my favourite soaps will be shuffled off the schedule and I will find myself watching England lose during the penalty shoot out…
Oh God, it’s so predictable *bashes head against wall*….thank goodness for Big Brother.
Sx

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- kyknoord on 10 June 2010 at 19:50 said:
  
  It’s a disgrace! I am personally going to give Sepp Blatter a wedgie for making you cry.
  
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Dennis the Vizsla on 10 June 2010 at 17:04 said:

Rent? Groceries? That’s pretty irresponsible spending right there, isn’t it?

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- kyknoord on 10 June 2010 at 19:55 said:
  
  I know. What can I say? I was born to be wi-i-i-i-i-ld.
  
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redsaid on 10 June 2010 at 19:04 said:

Oh, is THAT what that not so faint din in the distance is all about?

On a solemn note, I appreciate the carefully inserted trademark symbols. I’ve been living dangerously by stubbornly omitting it in all the stories (and oh, there have been way way waaayyy too many) I’ve written about the 2010 FIFA World Cup. See, sans TM! Aren’t I just the bravest soul? 2010 FIFA World Cup! 2010 FIFA World Cup! And again! And AGAIN!

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- kyknoord on 10 June 2010 at 20:12 said:
  
  Nice knowing you, Red. Let us know when you get out of the big house.
  
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  - redsaid on 10 June 2010 at 22:52 said:
    
    Ha! You’ll be coming with me. Since I’ve just made you an accessory and all!
    2010 FIFA World Cup! 2010 FIFA World Cup! 2010 FIFA World Cup! etc. etc.
    
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    - kyknoord on 11 June 2010 at 08:11 said:
      
      That’s what you think. My legal team (Shaik, Rattle & Roll Attorneys (Pty) Ltd) has worked out a sweet deal for me.
      
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syncopated eyeball on 11 June 2010 at 00:14 said:

I an definitely with you on this. Two things spring to mind: 1. The sound of football/soccer blaring from the tv and claps and shouts of encouragement bursting from my stepfather at least once a week whilst gorgeous old movies were missed on other channels. 2. The Olympics in Sydney.

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- kyknoord on 11 June 2010 at 08:18 said:
  
  Wicked stepfather! I shall call you Cindereyball from now on.
  
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Jon in France on 11 June 2010 at 07:02 said:

Certainly interesting times in this house as while I shall be shouting (at discreet levels) for England, the girls willl all be allez-ing les blues (they are wearing nothing but blue this morning for school) and singing the Marseillaise.

Happily France have even less of a prayer than England.

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- kyknoord on 11 June 2010 at 08:28 said:
  
  More atheists in France?
  
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Mandy de Waal on 11 June 2010 at 14:11 said:

Thanks for the link to the Rustum Kozain essay. Brilliant writing – appreciated. And I see we share the same sentiment when it comes to Blatter’s Fifa.

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- kyknoord on 14 June 2010 at 12:51 said:
  
  Ja, Rustum is a writerer of good stuffs.
  
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Jean Pant on 14 June 2010 at 11:07 said:

Fick Fufa. ‘s all I can say.

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- kyknoord on 14 June 2010 at 12:56 said:
  
  What? All of them? I admire your stamina.
  
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RubyTwoShoes on 14 June 2010 at 11:26 said:

Haha, I enjoyed this. I know its not really the same, but I felt that Sydney was left with rather a few too many large ‘toilet bowls’ after we held the Olympics. The only ‘event’ i could muster the energy to go to was the ‘Aboriginal Tent Embassy’ that was being staged in protest!

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- kyknoord on 14 June 2010 at 13:05 said:
  
  I’ve been wondering what The Powers That Be are going to do after the first flush wears off.
  
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