Holy acrimony

You know, that whole 'til death us do part' thing is starting to look pretty appealing
My ex-wife wants to come to Cape Town for a holiday in December. Apparently it’s “too expensive” to book into a B&B, so she expects Muggins here to put her up for a fortnight. She believes that if she starts softening me up early, I’ll eventually crack and agree to let her invade my spare room.

Frankly, I would rather die first.

She is the worst house guest in the entire world (well, almost). Ambitious cockroaches study her habits before embarking on any major infestation. I suspect she is possessed by Azfilthyazel, the most senior of Hell’s sloth demons; answerable only to Lucifer himself. The fact that not a single one of her friends is prepared to offer her accommodation – at least, not more than once – suggests that I’m not alone in thinking this.

I have told her over a thousand times (“no, no, a thousand times no!”) that I’m not prepared to have her defile my comfort zone, but she simply refuses to hear my refusals. Every so often I offer a quiet prayer of thanks to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that she doesn’t work in telemarketing.

50 thoughts on “Holy acrimony

  1. Kyknoord, I am married to a woman who pours joy into me, but I – naturally – have history, and I wonder sometimes how on Earth it is that we ever get involved with females like this in the first place.

    I don’t think it is simply because we think with our balls when we are young, so I can only conclude that they must drug us so that we become blinded to their manifest character flaws.


    • Jon, it pleases me no end that you choose to believe I was not completely brain-damaged when I said “I do” to the former Mrs Kyknoord. We stuck it out for 11 years, but in truth, we weren’t particularly compatible. The signs were there from the outset, but I ignored them because my balls were in love. Marriage is often the triumph of hope over common sense.


  2. I’m a deer in headlights after this statement: ‘I suspect she is possessed by Azfilthyazel, the most senior of Hell’s sloth demons; answerable only to Lucifer himself.’

    I say use the word ‘no’ proudly unless she is travelling with any of your children. If for no other reason, because it sounds like you could end up catching a case (going to jail) if you let Azfilthyazel into your sanctum.


  3. Kyk, you’ve obviously forgotten about the six foot, blonde, ex-model you’ve invited to use your spare room over the EXACT SAME fortnight! Silly Boy!


  4. I was going to challenge you on the ‘worse flatmate’ thing by offering up the examples in the blog post I wrote the other week about some of my Special flatties, but after following the link I see that you are right – it doesn’t get worse than that!! My god, what a shocker – Take comfort in that Kyknoord…..


  5. Stage a kidnapping – yours. Then move and leave no forwarding address. You need to take this seriously – once she takes possession (as in possessed by a demon) it will take extensive and expensive pest control to get over the infestation. It may even require exorcism. I can lend you a vicious attack dog to keep her at bay? How about Rosie?


  6. what is the liklihood that she’ll just show up, ignore your negative response, and expect to stay there? you might want to consider a pre-emptive temporary protection order. and a bouncer. i like that. bouncers are more fun than spinners…


  7. Kyk dude, sounds like you have already caved in. And didn’t you cave last time?

    Back straight now, and repeat after me (loudly, in your best Samuel L Jackson voice):

    “I SAID NO B%&$#!!!”

    Remember. Manly voice!


    • It’s a pity my ex isn’t one of your clients. She would benefit from your counselling and I would benefit from us being separated by the Atlantic Ocean.


  8. Shit, it’s Thursday. [how about planning a retro LAN party for that week: retro games, pizza, beer, swearing, scratching of testicular sacks, loud fragging]


  9. The solution is right under your nose silly lad – send her the link to your blog – surely even she can take a hint this obvious. In fact reading the comments on this post may actually make the notion that she is not welcome at chez Kyknoord sink in. Or maybe not……?


  10. ~Starts scribbling on a postcard~ 😉

    You’re trying to get rid of your ex-wife, and I’m desperate to become an ex-wife… but you can bet your bottom dollar I’m certainly not going to darken his doorstep once I’ve left – the less I see of him the better!

    You made a mistake by staying on speaking terms… make your bed, boet, ‘cos Mrs Ex-Kyknoord is going to be lying in it! 😀


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