Holy acrimony

You know, that whole 'til death us do part' thing is starting to look pretty appealing
My ex-wife wants to come to Cape Town for a holiday in December. Apparently it’s “too expensive” to book into a B&B, so she expects Muggins here to put her up for a fortnight. She believes that if she starts softening me up early, I’ll eventually crack and agree to let her invade my spare room.

Frankly, I would rather die first.

She is the worst house guest in the entire world (well, almost). Ambitious cockroaches study her habits before embarking on any major infestation. I suspect she is possessed by Azfilthyazel, the most senior of Hell’s sloth demons; answerable only to Lucifer himself. The fact that not a single one of her friends is prepared to offer her accommodation – at least, not more than once – suggests that I’m not alone in thinking this.

I have told her over a thousand times (“no, no, a thousand times no!”) that I’m not prepared to have her defile my comfort zone, but she simply refuses to hear my refusals. Every so often I offer a quiet prayer of thanks to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that she doesn’t work in telemarketing.

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50 thoughts on “Holy acrimony

  1. Kyknoord, I am married to a woman who pours joy into me, but I – naturally – have history, and I wonder sometimes how on Earth it is that we ever get involved with females like this in the first place.

    I don’t think it is simply because we think with our balls when we are young, so I can only conclude that they must drug us so that we become blinded to their manifest character flaws.

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    • Jon, it pleases me no end that you choose to believe I was not completely brain-damaged when I said “I do” to the former Mrs Kyknoord. We stuck it out for 11 years, but in truth, we weren’t particularly compatible. The signs were there from the outset, but I ignored them because my balls were in love. Marriage is often the triumph of hope over common sense.

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  2. I’m a deer in headlights after this statement: ‘I suspect she is possessed by Azfilthyazel, the most senior of Hell’s sloth demons; answerable only to Lucifer himself.’

    I say use the word ‘no’ proudly unless she is travelling with any of your children. If for no other reason, because it sounds like you could end up catching a case (going to jail) if you let Azfilthyazel into your sanctum.

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  3. Kyk, you’ve obviously forgotten about the six foot, blonde, ex-model you’ve invited to use your spare room over the EXACT SAME fortnight! Silly Boy!

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  4. I was going to challenge you on the ‘worse flatmate’ thing by offering up the examples in the blog post I wrote the other week about some of my Special flatties, but after following the link I see that you are right – it doesn’t get worse than that!! My god, what a shocker – Take comfort in that Kyknoord…..

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  5. Stage a kidnapping – yours. Then move and leave no forwarding address. You need to take this seriously – once she takes possession (as in possessed by a demon) it will take extensive and expensive pest control to get over the infestation. It may even require exorcism. I can lend you a vicious attack dog to keep her at bay? How about Rosie?

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  6. what is the liklihood that she’ll just show up, ignore your negative response, and expect to stay there? you might want to consider a pre-emptive temporary protection order. and a bouncer. i like that. bouncers are more fun than spinners…

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  7. Kyk dude, sounds like you have already caved in. And didn’t you cave last time?

    Back straight now, and repeat after me (loudly, in your best Samuel L Jackson voice):

    “I SAID NO B%&$#!!!”

    Remember. Manly voice!

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    • It’s a pity my ex isn’t one of your clients. She would benefit from your counselling and I would benefit from us being separated by the Atlantic Ocean.

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  8. Shit, it’s Thursday. [how about planning a retro LAN party for that week: retro games, pizza, beer, swearing, scratching of testicular sacks, loud fragging]

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  9. The solution is right under your nose silly lad – send her the link to your blog – surely even she can take a hint this obvious. In fact reading the comments on this post may actually make the notion that she is not welcome at chez Kyknoord sink in. Or maybe not……?

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  10. ~Starts scribbling on a postcard~ 😉

    You’re trying to get rid of your ex-wife, and I’m desperate to become an ex-wife… but you can bet your bottom dollar I’m certainly not going to darken his doorstep once I’ve left – the less I see of him the better!

    You made a mistake by staying on speaking terms… make your bed, boet, ‘cos Mrs Ex-Kyknoord is going to be lying in it! 😀

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