Every so often, I am called upon to cast a critical eye over my colleagues’ work.
Admittedly, report-writing isn’t an easy skill to master, but as long as you keep things simple and factual, you should get your point across. Unfortunately, several of my co-workers appear to believe that a real technical report should be as bafflingly opaque as possible.
I suspect that this is a direct consequence of their own experience with poorly-written documents and their efforts are simply an attempt to copy the style. As a result, a kind of report-writing cargo cult has evolved and I am regularly exposed to impenetrable examples of WTF such as the following:
…this document is to cover and address the capacity, including primary and secondary short-comings, with over-all network functionality assessment from a capacity point of view, and take into the alternative upgrades on the bulk reticulation can only be commented on until we receive the report…
We’d be better off employing spambots.
the other side of the mountain 
Reticulation? Isn’t that derived from the Latin word “reticulum”, which was the net that gladiators used? Your office is more interesting than it sounds.
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Sadly, I’m not allowed to throw my colleagues to the lions.
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Whatever happened to the ‘KISS’ Principle?
The UK has fallen into that horrible trap of using nonsensical terminology, partly to be politically correct, to create job titles that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I’m off to do some blue sky thinking before taking a brain dump as I don’t think I’m getting much stakeholder engagement here… 😀
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Stakeholder engagement? Is that where Buffy proposes to Edward?
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Of course, one must ensure that, whilst delivering constructive criticism, no one’s feelings are hurt or their self esteem injured. Right?
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Of course. Phrases like “Ye gods! This is complete horseshit!” are frowned upon.
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” If you make your point skilfully enough, you can make anyone change track…”
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Very wise. Sage, even.
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I knew you’d understand! 😉
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not only is it complete bullshit? i believe he plagiarized it from one of my research-tards.
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Don’t expect royalties any time soon. I made him change it to something that actually makes sense.
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As a translator, i’m often on the receiving end of such fine, *fine* bullshit, so let me thank you for this heroic effort.
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I could use a little help. Can you translate the example above into English?
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Eye yam a gud qwalitee prewfreeder, can eye cum n woirk fur u?
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Shore fing. Wen kan yoo staht?
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Leave a copy of Don Watson’s “Weasel Words” in the staff room
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Watson
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It would gather dust. Most of my associates don’t read.
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Now I have a terrible headache. THANKS A LOT. That reads like something James Joyce would reject because it’s too complex.
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You should attempt to address the discomfort by ingestion of an appropriately engineered pharmacological agent in combination with a physiological spatial adjustment and focussed quiescence.
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Can’t you see that this is perfect just the way it is..
The whole point is to make the reader get a severe headache and have tears coming down their cheeks, that way the answer to whatever the project is, would be Ok.
Always confuse the reader to the point of having them agree with you.
Writing 101..confuse to defuse..
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I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
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Parsimony in writing – people should say things as simply as possible in technical wiritng and save technical jargon for times when no other word fits.
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Some of them forget that the goal is communication, not obfuscation.
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I think you’re allowed to shoot people who write like that in the face, because it’s evidence that they are indeed a Cylon. And if HR has a problem with you summarily executing employees suspected Cylons, then show them a pie graph displaying how the short-term loss of productivity and shortage of staff offsets the larger long-term issue of possible cylon-engineered genocide of the human race. These are indeed bold steps.
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I’m more of a death-by-wedgie kind of guy, but your point is well made.
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That report is rich in shortcomings, primary, secondary and tertiary.
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Exactly. Everything is wrong.
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I’m dreading the day when reports are produced in SMS language.
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Let’s hope they’ll be restricted to 160 characters.
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Jesus Christ, Mary, Joseph, the donkey and all the gospels!
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…walk into a bar.
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The Bartender says: Sorry, we don’t serve the gospel here.
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Wow. That was impressively awful. It’s like engineering psychobabble.
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The person who wrote it intended it to be awfully impressive. Close.
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hey, I ran it through google translate a few times- first Japanese, then German, then back to English- and now it reads
“… This document is intended to cover to address the capacity, bulk transport in the short and modernization alternative secondary mesh with respect to the amount of views, evaluation and networking for all, perhaps only the most important and we can not comment until I get a report”
I think it actually makes more sense now.
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Could be, although I’d say it makes about as much sense as before.
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Dontcha just love an engineer’s ability to “non-report” i.e. write in a manner that not only absolves them of any responsibility or liability but shifts it onto someone else. Brilliant! I could use that skill but don’t know how to stay afloat in that much bullshit.
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Don’t feel bad. I’m sure the skills you do have are special.
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Or you could translate it into Italian. It makes even less sense but listen how romantic it sounds……”Questo documento è quello di coprire e di affrontare le capacità, ossia primaria e secondaria short-venute, con over-ogni valutazione funzionalità di rete da un punto di vista della capacità, e tiene il upgrades alternative per l’erogazione bulk can only be fino a quando ha inserito un commento su we ricevere il rapporto” apparently upgrades don’t translate into Italian either.
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Haha my Italian translation thingey didn’t understand enough of it to translate fully – there’s the italian equivalent of Pidgin english in there too.
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It looks like even the translation routine recognises it for the garbage it is.
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That’s quite a mouthful of horse doody. Careful you don’t swallow.
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Hey, once it’s been in your mouth, you may as well swallow.
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Obfustication. The last bastion of the stoopid.
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Now I’m kind of curious what the first bastion is.
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Holy Moly, I thought only academics could write things that stupid sounding….
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My colleagues have PhD envy.
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So many relationships end over primary or secondary shortcomings. I could write a report on that.
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Would you like me to proofread it for you?
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