How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways

Death by credit card is also pretty nasty
I am not overly fond of air travel. I can almost ignore the extortionate rates they charge for parking, the endless hours lost to waiting and the astoundingly stupid security personnel, but it’s the lying that I find the most disappointing.

“Is the flight on time?”
“Yes sir!”
“You’re sure?”
“Absolutely, sir!”

It’s all horseshit, of course. As are their claims of regret when they happily announce that my flight has been delayed until the end of time as soon as I’ve checked in. Oh, and let’s also not forget the utter, utter nonsense about how I need to switch off my iPod during take-off and landing for “safety reasons”.

Seriously guys, you have a problem – especially you, SAA. Get help. If you had any friends, they would have staged an intervention by now.

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59 thoughts on “How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways

  1. Argh, when you’re on the plane, on the tarmac and they’ve ALL OF A SUDDEN realized that you’re not on schedule.

    For what it’s worth, on my last flight, I feel asleep with my iPod on though descent and well, clearly we made it out alive.
    That or I’m a zombie.

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  2. Once US Air canceled a flight from Boston to Reading because “of weather”. I called my husband to ask what the weather was like. He said, “Fine”. US Air had a flight to Philly. I called the US Air man a “big fat liar”. “You just didn’t have enough people to fill the flight to Reading! Admit you’re a big fat liar, already!” I yelled. He refused. Big fat loser.

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  3. I don’t understand how my desire to rock out to some Amberian Dawn or Nightwish or Butt Trumpet while the plane lands will result in a fiery crash that kills everyone. That is not covered in any of the brochures in the seat pocket and the SkyMall catalogue is no help either. And I want it explained by a scientist-looking person in glasses and a lab coat too.

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    • Yeah, I can’t quite remember the epidemic of tragic iPod-related crashes which forced them to take this step. It must have happened, because they wouldn’t lie to us, would they?

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  4. One time a few years ago, my flight via Independence Air was delayed and the airline bought everyone pizza to apologize for the inconvenience.

    A few months later, they went out of business. Because they were obviously doing it all wrong.

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  5. the only way i survive frequent air travel is by treating it as a game. me against the machine. i track in-bound flights on my blackberry, sorting out what’s really going on with equipment availability. if it were an olympic sport? i’d be a medalist… never mind my ‘airport decathalon’ sprints between gates to make tight connections.

    otherwise? i’d go by boat. river or otherwise…

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  6. Did you know that flying use to be elegant? It use to be something that was enjoyed by the refined class. Now, it’s about as elegant as taking a bus out of of Port Authority station on 42nd Street. I’m not afraid to fly, but I’m always very happy when it’s over.

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  7. Ess Ay Ay are not as bad as BA (Conair/Kulula dot bomb) – three hours delayed going down to Cape Town, three and a half hours delayed coming back – flights switched to other times – sms’s received a couple of hours before i leave from home saying “flight cxld” … they couldn’t even be arsed to type out the full word. no warning just oops, we aren’t running that flight today, cos we can’t afford the petrol .. ha ha! Silly you for booking two months ago! You dumb ass consumer! Should know better, should have driven down to Cape Town in your car, shouldn’t you? Silly silly person.
    All airlines are frauds.
    but guess what? i’m flying Virgin in December to the UK
    Oh god in heaven

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  8. Welcome home oh world traveller. I still prefer Kulula to SAA because while they all lie about when they are leaving and arriving at least Kulula is a bit funnier about it. I once flew on a 1time flight that only had one working loo – hah now that was uncomfortable – just saying. Ok so being able to pee when I want to is important to me.

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  9. Try Air Canada – just as bad. Grumpy and not helpful at all. Like going places, hate the journey there. Unless you are flying first class – which by the way I am not, ever – then they treat you like a plank of wood being shipped by pony express. Bastards.

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  10. This is your SAA Captain speaking, we regret to inform you that your use of the word ‘regret’ in association with our airline comes with an additional surcharge of 50 dollars, complimentary words, however, are, well, complimentary. Enjoy your rant.

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  11. I will try, at all cost, to avoid flying these days. The biggest pain in the ass is having to fly south into the United States. Those pricks make you show up at the airport 3 hours prior so you can clear their fucking customs and go through security. I refuse to use those cell dna destroying body scanners, opting instead for being groped and fondled. Talk about invading my personal space. Once you’re through all that there is the fun and games of delayed flights, missed connections and cancelled connectors. The last time we flew on our own nickel, we got to spend an unexpected overnight in lovely Minneapolis, Minnesota. It’s too bad driving takes so fucking long.

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  12. Ah the buses of the sky, only with smaller windows, reduced leg room and booze. There really has to be a better way to travel. Bring on those rocket planes I say.
    Funny I had pretty good experiences with SAA but not any of the others and they can be dire!

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