So anyway, there was this talking banana

I know I’ve been under the radar for a while now, but I was on a road-trip with Elvis, Salman Rushdie and the Easter Bunny, whilst carrying out a micron-accuracy survey of my belly-button. I didn’t spend the entire time navel-gazing, though. Apart from showing up at the office and pretending work, I also:

• found Jesus (turns out he’d fallen down behind the bookcase when I was vacuuming);
• became a computer orphan after my motherboard died;
• started growing a moustache;
• got an unexpected phone call from my long-lost teenage son;
• received an email from an ex-girlfriend telling me that she’s getting married;
• almost went on a date;
• shot an alien in my parents’ back yard;
• gave a heart-rending performance on stage at the Baxter Theatre; and
• accidentally swallowed a button thinking it was a vitamin pill+

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One of the above isn’t true, by the way. I’ll give you a hint: it isn’t the one about the alien – that IS true.

+ Perhaps the less said about the nasty incident involving the suppository, the better.