Process of elimination

I knew I should have stuck to the Russian mail-order bride catalogue

I finally decided to see for myself if the horror stories about internet dating were true. They are. Oops. RETROACTIVE SPOILER ALERT!

Anyway, I signed up to a dating site, set my “ideal match” criteria (must be female or a convincing tranny; must not be a lawyer or town planner etc.) and then set about sequentially contacting the top eighteen bachelorettes that the Great Computer kindly selected for me. This may seem like a lot, but it was spread out over four weeks and I felt this was necessary to ensure I had a statistically significant sample to work with.

My profile states that I’m a thoughtful guy; I’m a vegetarian; I don’t drink alcohol; and I generally try to stay out of the sun. Hmmm – when you put it like that, it sounds suspiciously like Edward Cullen, which may explain a few things. Perhaps I should have specifically mentioned that I have a penis…

Nah, there’s absolutely no way anyone would mistake me for a eunuch vampire. As you can see from the photo, my hair isn’t quite as bouffant. And I don’t wear as much lipstick. Not usually, at any rate.
Also, I look less constipated

Now back to our story: the results were – shall we say – less than encouraging. Ten out of the eighteen did not respond at all. Of the remaining eight,

  • one thought I was too ugly (Pity. I rather liked her; she was honest);
  • one thought I was too dull (A case of the pot calling the kettle dark green, I think);
  • one felt that I wasn’t outdoorsy enough for her taste (Fair enough. I explode when exposed to sunlight);
  • one couldn’t imagine dating a vegetarian (And I can’t imagine dating a bigot, so we’re even);
  • three were horrified by the idea that I didn’t drink (THREE?? Seriously? Ye gods!); and
  • one has been strangely non-committal (Which is beginning to make me nervous)

I think I finally understand why David Hasselhoff is so popular in this neck of the woods.


65 thoughts on “Process of elimination

  1. I’m surpised at the nagative response to the whole veggie / non-drinking thing.

    I bacame vegetarian for five years in my late teens / early twenties specifically because I thought it would make me look more sensitive and therefore more likely to get a shag.

    That makes me sound incredibly shallow, which, of course, I am, but I think it might have sometimes worked.

    And who wouldn’t want to date someone who is always capable of driving.

    It’s a mystery.

    I can only assume that there is some shortage of quality women.


  2. Ouch! How odd? I like men who don’t drink – someone to drive me home. I don’t do sun either (and I’m NOT a ginger) and I don’t get why your being a vegetarian could offend anyone? You are definitely good-looking (although not in the pic above) and I KNOW you aren’t dull so I think maybe the dating site was a dud. I agreed to meet a man I met online – he looked just like a toad – his picture however didn’t. That is/was the last time I considered internet hook-ups. Now I just hope the tv repairman is good-looking!


  3. I’m actually kind of jealous. I always wanted to try the internet dating pool but by the time it matured into a respectable way to meet someone I was already hooked up with my wife.

    The two things I missed out on when single: internet dating and ecstasy.


  4. Flipping hell. I’ve tried Internet dating a few times over the years.

    Sadly, it has never failed to disappoint.

    Let’s face it, no one is going to list their negative points online – it’s a sales job. And pictures chosen for the ad are usually flattering for the same reason. So meeting the person in person genreally results in, “Oh.”

    Gay dating is way out there. First of all, guys don’t bother with the “I’d like to save the world” posturing. On the very popular Mamba Meetmarket (name says it all), about 40% of guys post pics of their dicks as their profile pic. Pretty much says it all. Except again, if that’s what you go for, the “goods” are likely to be less than advertised.

    This can be anecdotally understood to be true by the fact that under the attributes description, it would seem that most guys list their dick size as “Large.” Yep, gay advertising is very object-ive. It lists a few more things I sure straight guys would rather not hear about!

    All I can say is, while online dating should be perfect – it gets rid of all the finding and meeting hassles of the offline world – it seems less so.



  5. I’ve done on-line dating off and on for the last three years. Some bad experiences, lots of strange or narcissistic or outright delusional people. But also some very wonderful experiences. Some fun dates, some medium-term relationships, some lasting friendships. I may well consider giving it another go at some point.


  6. Oh, I’ve also had some negative reactions from a few about the fact that I don’t eat mammal or bird. I don’t know why -maybe it makes people feel like you are somehow calling their ethics into question. As for drinking, I wouldn’t rule someone out who doesn’t drink, but I would want to know why. If it’s because someone is in recovery or has a moral issue with drinking, I’d take a pass – I don’t want to feel uncomfortable about having a glass of wine with dinner. In fact I went out only once with someone who was a recovering alcoholic and after several cracks about whether I’d need “beer goggles” on in order to go out with him and insisting on a restaurant that didn’t serve alcohol, I realized we’d never be a comfortable match.


  7. Must admit, online dating never really did it for me. I always ended up finding the religious nuts, the baggage queens and undercover CIA agents.

    Good luck on your quest!


  8. Oh dear – well that’s rather disappointing – I am intending to dip my toes into that area – merely because I quite simply hate the meat market vibe! Internet dating – last exit for the lost?


  9. *flash of insight alert* Use the above picture (on the left) as your dating profile picture. chicks ALWAYS go for the badboys. you’ll need to water-cool those horns, buddy….


  10. I laughed out loud at you liking the woman who called you ugly, because of her honesty. Oy. These chicks sound nuts. Who wants ’em, anyway? Why the hell would someone care if you were a vegetarian or not? That seems sort of bizarre. And is drinking so important to women that they must have a partner who imbibes with them? Hic. Hic. Oops.


  11. Given these responses, I am confused as to whether ‘illuminating’ meant you have been enlightened re. the disappointing depth of some of the female population, or if you just practiced online dating in the dark and the computer screen lit up yr face….?!


  12. Wow. I don’t think I could handle Internet dating. Everyone seems a little too honest. I’d take a “it’s not you; it’s me” any day over a “you’re too dull.” By the way, you are not dull.


  13. The only thing that would worry me would be the fact that you try to stay out of the sun. But that’s probably because when I was a kid, I watched a disturbing show about a guy who had Xeroderma Pigmentosum. I haven’t been the same since.

    From what I hear, those dating sites are iffy at best. (One of my guy friends said it’s like having to go through a bunch of unsuccessful job interviews.) Regardless, I’m sure once you get out there, it’s only a matter of time before your calendar will fill up. Take it from a (recovered) serial dater, guys with your highbrow wit are few and far between.


  14. It frightens me the things people will select as dealbreakers… like vegetarianism. But swindling millions would be ok – just for the love of all that’s holy, don’t eat a salad.


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