I finally decided to see for myself if the horror stories about internet dating were true. They are. Oops. RETROACTIVE SPOILER ALERT!
Anyway, I signed up to a dating site, set my “ideal match” criteria (must be female or a convincing tranny; must not be a lawyer or town planner etc.) and then set about sequentially contacting the top eighteen bachelorettes that the Great Computer kindly selected for me. This may seem like a lot, but it was spread out over four weeks and I felt this was necessary to ensure I had a statistically significant sample to work with.
My profile states that I’m a thoughtful guy; I’m a vegetarian; I don’t drink alcohol; and I generally try to stay out of the sun. Hmmm – when you put it like that, it sounds suspiciously like Edward Cullen, which may explain a few things. Perhaps I should have specifically mentioned that I have a penis…
Nah, there’s absolutely no way anyone would mistake me for a eunuch vampire. As you can see from the photo, my hair isn’t quite as bouffant. And I don’t wear as much lipstick. Not usually, at any rate.
Now back to our story: the results were – shall we say – less than encouraging. Ten out of the eighteen did not respond at all. Of the remaining eight,
- one thought I was too ugly (Pity. I rather liked her; she was honest);
- one thought I was too dull (A case of the pot calling the kettle dark green, I think);
- one felt that I wasn’t outdoorsy enough for her taste (Fair enough. I explode when exposed to sunlight);
- one couldn’t imagine dating a vegetarian (And I can’t imagine dating a bigot, so we’re even);
- three were horrified by the idea that I didn’t drink (THREE?? Seriously? Ye gods!); and
- one has been strangely non-committal (Which is beginning to make me nervous)
I think I finally understand why David Hasselhoff is so popular in this neck of the woods.