Still, at least it's better than having a ring of fire

Dear car alarm manufacturers

Please stop. Seriously. As a theft deterrent, your product is about as useful as a politician who promises to “get tough on crime”.

I freely admit that I’m no expert in the field, but I’m pretty sure that five to ten minutes is ample time for a professional miscreant to conclude whatever business they may have with a car. If the owner of the violated vehicle fails to react within that brief window of opportunity, then I think it’s safe to assume that very little will be achieved by allowing the alarm to continue bleating away for a further eighty fucking minutes. Am I missing something here – apart from my beauty sleep, that is?

In any case, if you really intended to keep criminals at bay, you would program your devices to play Justin Bieber songs instead of that annoying weeooweeooweeoo noise… oh wait, never mind.



36 thoughts on “Serenade

  1. Wow. First.

    You still have the car alarm menace? I can honestly say that I can’t remember the last time I was disturbed by a car alarm. People here in the U.S. seem to have abandoned them. They’re a terrible idea. You never hear them in New York City anymore. A miracle not unlike the virgin birth of the baby Jesus!


  2. When I lived in London we had a childcare centre across the road whose burglar alarm would do the same. It would go off all night and nobody would even bat an eyelid… or shut one all night!

    Still, it IS better than Bieber!


  3. if they really wanted people to get off their arses and so something about car alarms, they’d play Parlotones songs. or Ke$ha. a mob with flaming pitchforks would duly turn up for pillaging and revenge…


  4. i see your yappy dogs and raise you … two yappy dogs, four cats, a baby, a 5 1/2 year old who wanders around the house at night in a dreamscape of her own, four lane double arterial road beneath my bedroom window and uncle tom cobbly and all.
    i have not had a good nights sleep since i was in Wales over December. twitch, tic …


  5. Aw, I remember the curse of the car alarm. It was so long ago now, back when it was assumed a stranger, upon hearing that someone might be stealing a random car, would rush to stop the thief. (Cape optional.) It was such a beautiful, naive time.


  6. Oh, I feel like this post was written just for me. (Then again, I feel that way about all of your posts. Everyone’s posts, for that matter!)

    The best is when the car belongs to your neighbor and he has an inner ear disease where he can’t hear blaring noises from the hours of 12am-9am on Monday mornings.


  7. Haven’t heard car alarms in ages but house alarms – it’s just not a weekend proper if some house alarm somewhere isn’t spoiling the silence.


  8. People would pay attention around here because I live in a village where NOTHING HAPPENS EVER!!!

    And it’s February and business is shite.

    Think I’ll go to Nantes and knock off a few cars.


  9. I could never live in a city because of all the sirens and such. When I hear a car alarm now, I never think, “Oooh, someone’s being broken into!” It’s always, “What’s that dumbass doing now?!?”

    Out in the stix, though, my banes are the nightly freight train whistling and the next door neighbour school bus drive starting the diesel bus up at 6:15 am.


  10. I think we’re beyond the point of loud noises signifying anything other than “That’s really fucking annoying”

    Plus technology has moved on so much, cars should have a much more sophisticated anti-theft system…

    …Although, all I can really think of is KIT from Knight Rider… Clearly, I’m no expert either.


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