Where are you?

I once dated a girl who was a cyborg.

Ok, almost. More like a pseudo-cyborg. She didn’t have breast-mounted lasers, but she did have a smartphone – one that was always within easy reach, so she could check her Facebook and Twitter accounts at a moment’s notice. You know, in case there was an internet emergency or something. She used to get severely twitchy and anxious whenever she had to step away from the phone for any length of time.

Even in the bedroom, the Series of Tubes called to her. There were many times that my post-coital torpor would be punctured by the sound of fingers furiously tapping away on a tiny keyboard. That is not a euphemism, by the way.

I’m not entirely sure what that says about my capability as a lover, but that’s kind of beside the point… It could go either way, I suppose:

  • OMG, that was amazing! #exhausted #multipleorgasms; or
  • So bored. I wonder if there’s any humus left in the fridge? #yawn #hungry #unsatisfied,
  • Anyway, the thing that struck me – apart from the empty humus container – was how much of her life was lived online. I often got the feeling that the things she did were simply status updates in the making, rather than engaging activities in their own right. There were times when she conspicuously absent, even though she was still in the room.

    I have seen the future and it has a faraway look in its eyes. And big thumbs.


    72 thoughts on “Where are you?

    1. Blimey, if that’s what you had in your fridge I’d be ordering food from an online store straight away… and then I’d write a post about how rubbish the online store was…


    2. he … he … he …
      I laugh nervously as that is funny but just a wee bit close to home. Right switching my phone off now to spend time with real people.


    3. i sit here in an airport, with a teeny laptop. six windows are open as i drink beer and kill HOURS before a delayed flight will hopefully get me home. there is an unfinished book in my backpack. hmmm…


    4. I have a friend who doesn’t understand the concept that I don’t look at my phone very often. I always forget to carry it with me or discover 3 hrs later someone text me. I have become so dependent on the phone that I can’t even remember peoples phone numbers anymore..nor do I remember my passwords since the computer stores them all.
      sad, pathetic lives we lead where we no longer use that part of our brains.


    5. A cyborg, a succubus, what next? You do date some unusual women, I’d wait around to read the answer, but my phone just beeped – someone must have posted their latest bowel movement on facebook – byeeee


    6. You have to vet for cyborgs before you date them. If they text, or check phone etc while on a date what you do is open the car door and push them out. It’s ok if the car if moving. . they’re cyborgs, they’ll survive.


    7. I yearn for the day when an electro-magnetic pulse of huge magnitude will render these devices nothing more than useless globs of plastic, silicon and wires. The faraway look on most will then be nothing more than vacant.


    8. I went on a driving holiday around NZ and my sister texted at the wheel the whole time. And they have some very steep and curvy roads there! My main memory of the holiday is terror.


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