Relationships that pass in the night

My head hurts
If you pick up any glossy magazine that caters to the thirty-something middle-class heterosexual female demographic, you’re almost guaranteed to find an opinion piece on relationships. In fact, if you ever manage to find an issue that doesn’t have a relationship-themed article, you should tell the dentist’s receptionist that someone has been tearing pages out of their magazines.

The vaguely confusing message that emerges from these publications is that men are worthless, filthy things that you should nevertheless manipulate into marrying you. Perhaps I’m missing something here, but this seems severely counter-intuitive. Why would anyone would want to do a thing like that? After all, if you’re dating an “unhygienic, adolescent-minded ne’er-do-well who exists only to gratify himself and make you miserable” [citation needed], surely you’d want to get away from him and not make the arrangement permanent in the eyes of the Law and Facebook?

It turns out that writers of relationship articles (and now that I think about it, my ex-wife) fervently believe that we unhygienic adolescent-minded ne’er-do-wells can be cured of our wayward ways. All it requires is for us to just grow up and stop being selfish. In other words, get married, have kids and buy a lawnmower. Of course, it rather begs the question – what’s in it for us?

Is it reasonable to expect us just do it and like it? Does the world really need more baybeez to secure the survival of the species? When you compare the fun factor of a lawnmower against that of a game console, how often does the lawnmower win? If you guessed “no”, “no” and “never”, give yourself a gold star.

Then again, this may offer some insight as to how the dowry custom came into being. If you’re going to do something you would normally avoid, it’s generally less painful if you get paid.

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21 thoughts on “Relationships that pass in the night

  1. the “relationship” articles are only slightly less annoying than the quizzes. the “58 Tips for the Best Sex Ever” and “How to a Meal that will MAKE HIM PROPOSE!” are subsets of how to catch/keep/change a man/sperm-donor/lawnmower-operator.

    now, for some strange reason, i have an almost overwhelming urge to shit on your rug.

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  2. I’ve always felt like a lump of clay that some woman tried to fashion into a new shape. Inevitably, she would leave feeling disappointed, or I would leave out of exhaustion. Half the reason I married my bride was that she keeps me on a lose leash and doesn’t try to turn me into something I’m not or will never be.

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  3. It’s a good thing then that I never read those relationship advice articles. I don’t want to have to give up my games and widescreen tv for baybeez and a washing machine and ironing. I love slightly unsanitary, adolescent, ne’er do well’s – who else would rather play scrabble with me than cut the lawn? I don’t want to tame any man and have him as a housepet on a leash. I’m perfectly happy with my dog and if I want a grouchy male giving me his uncalledfor opinion first thing in the morning and snapping at me as if the misery of waking up is all my fault – I have my parrot for that!

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  4. I went at looked at a glossy mag I bought a while ago and was shocked to find that there was no relationship advice in there. I was relieved, however, to find instructions on how to achieve my Best Body Ever and that my Beach Body Nightmares have been solved. I imagine that all will help me attract a ne’er-do-well type that I can then manipulate into marrying me. Phew. That’ll be so handy coz there was also an article on how to get a butt like Pippa’s for when I do marry!

    Look, let’s face it us women know not to take those magazines that seriously in the same way you shouldn’t believe you can stay looking 25 for ever. At least I hope we do.

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