You were looking for…?

Judging by the search terms that draw people here (and Rule 34 notwithstanding), this blog attracts some pretty weird visitors. Some of these examples of random strangeness and inevitable disappointment (sorry, these are not the droids you are looking for) are way too entertaining to keep to myself – hence this ever-expanding list of queries that have led people to the other side of the mountain. Enjoy.

• women soldiers looking for sex around Pretoria (going “commando”, no doubt)
• don’t forget unicorns (Stop nagging me! It’s on the damned list)
• what is scrotum in sepedi? (I’m not sure, but I think it’s “Julius”)
• auto fellatio psychology black hole (worst band name ever!)
• secret phonesex numbers (I can’t tell you. It’s a secret)
• wife application form (who says romance is dead?)
• stories of sons’ kaboom cocks fucking their mothers in the ass (Oedipus: The gangsta rap years)
• where can my wife get fucked by a random guy pretoria (Ask an investment banker. They’re trained to screw people)
• get your ass back in that hippie car of yours and take me to the north pole! (another in our continuing series of original, but ultimately unsuccessful pick-up lines)
• winnie the pooh, attila the hun, john the baptist (the ultimate crime-fighting team!)
• easy necromancy (pfft! Kids today. They want everything handed to them on a silver platter)
• strange man on dating site (congratulations. You found me)
• fuck you, meat bones natalie (yeah, and that skinny horse you rode in on!)
• fucked by 18 inch cock stories (Well, I don’t like to brag…)
• Riaan Cruywagen satanist (Aha! Now we know why he never ages – he serves the Dark Lord)
• satanic masturbation (I take it you have a devil-may-care attitude towards self-love?)
• looking for weed in pretoria (well, there’s this really nasty kameeldoringbos on the corner of Schoeman and Paul Kruger Street)
• nothing could be finer than to be in her vagina (what a douche!)
• circumcised comics (the unkindest cut of all!)
• it’s the stuff stuff is made of (so it’s turtles all the way down then?)
• snake shaped vibrators (again? Well ok – as long as it isn’t a skaapsteker)
• people looking for sex in silver lakes (the eternal tragedy of looking for love in all the wrong places)
• more atheists in France (agreed. But remember, we get more Buddhists)
• making shit up for fun and profit (hey, what are you implying?)
• the word for eating people (do you have a nice chianti handy?)
• grannies want sex pretoria (you hear that, Pretoria? Grannies want sex!)
• do dumpers miss the dumpee? (this again? Ok here’s a tip: if you’re fast and run in a zig-zag, you’ll increase your chances)
• first catch your puffin (it’s LOOSE? Fuuuuuuuuck!!!)
• woman looking for sex with random guy (First the good news: she found him. Now the bad news: it wasn’t you)
• engineering innuendo (how about “we’re gonna have to close that manhole, if you know what I mean”?)
• chocolate, KY (I think you may have the wrong end of the – uh – stick there. You’re actually supposed to eat chocolate)
• how do ballerinas keep their vaginas dry? (they think about you, sunshine)
• sarah britten +divorce (and you think *I* had something to do with it?)
• mr owl don’t play i’ll spray you fucking (what? No, seriously, what??)
• pantsless thursday (cool. We can hang out together)
• how do i fix holes in a tin roof? (with a cat. Obviously)
• comic getting old (fuck you, Jack! Nobody’s forcing you to read this)
• Helmut Lotti is irritating (hey, you’re preaching to the converted here)
• methods of creative accounting (you could try decorating your ledger with glitter)
• enema in monastery (so that would exlain the vow of silence. “First rule of Shite Club: nobody talks about Shite Club”)
• take care of testicle (and testicle will take care of you. Wasn’t that a song from Chicago?)
• comic about depression (you’ve come to the right place, son. The archives will sort you out there)
• chocolate sharks (see below)
• defecation euphemism (see above)
• kyknoord “real name” (That would be Chuck U. Farley *cough*stalker*cough*)
• hide the sausage thesaurus (yeah, you don’t want to leave something like that lying around)
• i have to admire your piece of shit (you talking about my car, or are you the one who put the webcam in the toilet?)
• name the longest mountain in southern hemisphere (okay. I think I’ll name it “Murray”)
• annoying happy people (not bad, but I still think I prefer the original by REM)
• can you freeze dry a turd? (of course. Where do you think gravy powder comes from?)
• urine drinking (I think you might be misinterpreting the phrase “Let’s all get pissed!”)
• bestiality porn actor looking for job (sorry, we don’t have any vacancies at the moment, but why don’t you send your CV to PETA? Let me know how it works out)
• guy says something came up (yup. He realised that Madonna was a bit of a nutbag)
• iambic pentameter cartoon (well, I have been compared to Shakespeare, but not in a good way)
• comic psychology (sorry, your hour is up)
• how to get invited to a work function? (what? Are you insane?)
• what direction does uranus revolve? (turn around a couple of times and I’ll tell you)
• why you should pick me (“Conversations with my nose” – the new bestseller by Dan Brown. Available soon!)
• snake shaped vibrator (as opposed to your typical, totally non-snake shaped variety? Am I missing something here?)
• cheesy country song (The Yellow Rose of Cheddar, perhaps?)
• how did i get cockroaches? (by being filthy. Congratulations!)
• pleasure enema (the final triumph of marketing over common sense)
• gerbil in a blender (wasn’t that a song by The Smiths?)
• gemoedsbekakking (so what are you saying? That I have shit for brains?)
• scum lawyers (that’s a bit of a tautology, wouldn’t you say?)
• how to get toilet paper out of trees (it doesn’t actually grow on trees)
• utthan pristhasana (I may be a poser, but that’s a bit ridiculous)
• brain liquidated (you fool, I said we need to liquidate BRIAN! Jeez, do I have to do everything myself?)
• satan in human form (Ah. That would be my friend Andrew)
• succubus webcomics (that’s my next project. Patience)
• consequences of masturbation (here’s a handy hint: have a tissue nearby)
• snake singing in a dream (was it a white snake?)
• autofellatio brain damage (I think you might be confusing cause and effect here)
• rather run naked (that’s all very well for you, but what about the rest of us?
• things didn’t worked (like that half-price grammar textbook you bought?)
• sleep paralysis+humping (= wishful thinking)
• i keep pining for my ex girlfriend (At least you aren’t pining for the fjords)
• granny’s rubber thrill (did she find it on Blueberry Hill?)
• excessive masturbation (there’s no such thing!!)
• placing hidden cameras in the workplace (you could try sticking one up your ass. That’s sure to keep it well hidden)
• do you regret appearing in amateur porn (of course. I was expecting to be paid)
• being happily single means (you’re probably my ex-wife)
• homo erectus (*snigger*)
• eat your heart out wikipedia (or no pudding!)
• precession is nine tenths of the law (maybe at the north pole?)
• how to say you are really good lover (you’re too kind, but I think we can take that as read)
• what is kyknoord thinking right now? (Lunch!)
• name meaning side of the mountain (how about ‘Cliff’?)
• not that the pines are darker there (yes – and the owls are not what they seem)
• where to buy space invader panties (a probing question, indeed)
• toilet roll ha ha you’re fucked now (still traumatised by that “paper tiger” incident, are we?)
• origami porn rule 34 (watch out for paper cuts!)
• stage one of my evil plan is complete (would you like fries with that?)
• how do you say pteromerhanophobia (I don’t. I say “potato”)
• avoidance behaviour (sorry, I’d rather not get into that right now)
• can fishmoths live in cars (they can be quite fussy. Does your car have aircon and a CD player?)
• join a cult, punch the button, and drink (hey – how did you get hold of my “to do” list?)
• scrotum waxing facts (Fact 1: it hurts like buggery!)
• civil engineering is for rednecks (Interested? Send your resumé to…)
• pic of man with pine cone testicles (I couldn’t get a clear shot. He was too busy being chased by squirrels)
• what happened to worsie visser? (he grew pinecone testicles and the squirrels got him)
• what causes fishmoths? (I guess you’re old enough to be told the facts of life. You see, when a daddy fishmoth and a mommy fishmoth love one another very, very much…)
• SAA inflight entertainment (the current favourites on all domestic routes include the classic The Back of the Seat in Front of You and the unforgettable When a Stranger Vomits)
• don’t drink the kool aid blinkies (and don’t eat the yellow snow, either. Fuck, this has to be one of the best search strings since “exploding brain syndrome”)
• crank that pinecone (Suck in that gut! Lift that chin! Square those shoulders! You’re in the army now, soldier!)
• married woman brazilian wax means affair (let me guess – wifey made a special trip to the salon, but still isn’t keen to play hide-the-sausage with you?)
• chronicles of a sex god (your search is over. Welcome)
• diaorrhoea porn (oh crap, there’s Rule 34 again)
• masturbation as a hobby (get a grip!)
• meditations for a crappy day (and you ended up here? Boy, you are having a crappy day, aren’t you?
• professional scrotum waxing demonstration (You might want to try Masochists ‘R’ Us for that one)
• environment comprehension test (look around you. This is your environment. Do you comprehend?)
• amazing human abilities (well, I have this trick where I – oh wait, human abilities. Damn)
• is this a dagger I see before me? (no, it’s a monitor. Daggers tend to be sharp, pointy, stabbity-death type of things. Hard to mistake them for anything else, really. Time for an eye-test, perhaps?)
• how to say piss off in afrikaans (there isn’t a direct translation, but “vlieg na jou moer” will probably serve as a reasonable facsimile)
• are you supposed to sleep in a bathrobe? (depends on how hammered you are, doesn’t it?)
• yoga scrotum management (must be the advanced class)
• tandem paragliding nausea (are you wanting to prevent it or encourage it?)
• Cupid rip off (and you thought being hit by an arrow was painful…)
• bra unhooking story (Long, long ago, in a land far, far away, there was a magic bra…)
• how low can higher education sink? (How low? As they say in Afrikaans: “laer as ‘n slang se kak se skaduwee+”)
• i lost my virginity to a brazillian beau (lucky you. I lost my wallet to a Brazillian beau)
• what to do with diaorrhoea (I would strongly suggest flushing)
• I hate getting drunk (so stop whining about it and lay off the hooch. Jeez, do I have to do all the thinking around here?)
• how to stop your testicles from smelling (have you tried taking a bath?)
• afrikaans rugby sayings (I think “EINA! Fok!” is probably my favourite)
• dumb and dumber frozen snot image (ugh. Why can’t you search for naked Jessica Alba pix like normal people?)
• what does tin can cupid mean? (It means that probably isn’t ham on your sandwich)
• pics of a fish smoking a blunt (James Blunt?)
• hippie protest sayings (how about, “Stop that, man”?)
• Why can’t you be more like endicott? (why can’t you be more like Elvis?)
• masturbation her favorite hobby (it sure beats philately)
• i just want your money (So do Trevor Manuel and various credit card companies. Join the back of the sodding queue!)
• is autofellatio satanic? (No, but it’s absolute murder on your neck)
• “I Love Meetings” shirt (I’ll ask my boss where he got his from)
• “loved one” believes “conspiracy theory” (Is it the one about the aliens shooting JFK? If so, that’s not a theory – it’s true!)
• i lost my virginity to a 18 inch cock (A really keen bird lover, obviously)
• keep your testicles dry and smelling good (with new Épineux(TM) scrotum shampoo and conditioner from L’Oreal of Paris)
• pictures of genitalia after a brazilian (Can’t help you there, but I do have pictures of genitalia chasing a Canadian, a Jamaican and a Mexican)
• guys with vaginas (well technically, they’re not actually guys)
• mean looking pig pics (hmmm… you’re either into bestiality or you’re a a hippie with an authority fetish. In either case, get help)
• what does the phrase “we’re fucked” mean? (It means you probably work for my company)
• I don’t want my timeshare (I don’t want it either, now piss off!)
• grannys darkest deeppest sekrets (I believe “she bludgeons illiterate cretins on the head with a dictionary” would be one such secret)
• heavy breathing brain (I think you may have a hole in your head. Better dial 911)
• picture of wax scrotum (you might want to try Madame Tussauds)
• gadget technical long name phoney (Sony-Ericsson always seems made up to me. It’s kinda like Uranus-Hertz)
• Offering sympathy for a divorce (Chin up! Tally ho! Plenty of fish in the sea, what! Will that do?)
• massage assholes in South africa (hey, if you don’t like your job as the SA cricket team’s physiotherapist, why don’t you just resign?)
• I am a woman looking for sex in pretoria (I’ll let you know the next time JZ’s in the area)
• sexual donuts (okay Homer, just calm down!)
• how much does a divorce cost in south africa? (how much have you got?)
• alternatives to masturbation (you could always try sex)
• defenestration (yes, I know how badly you want to toss me out a window, but that’s just mean!)
• how to rid urinal cake smell (er – sorry, but it looks like I’m not going to be able to make it to tea after all)
• I want big booty what shall I eat (lard, perhaps? I figure the expression “lardass” has to come from somewhere)
• do dumpers miss (of course, although a lot depends on the distance and angle between arse and toilet)
• why is she stalling the divorce? (oh, that’s an easy one: It’s all about the MUNNEEEEE!!!)
• wedgie blush bitch stories (up next, after the break…)
• Nymphomaniac society (sorry, applications closed yesterday, but I believe the Butt-Ugly Brotherhood is still looking for a few good men)
• brazilian wax haemorrhoids (waxing generally only works on hair, so you could be in for a rough time)
• chaperone required Pretoria (what’s Pretoria been getting up to now?)
• I wanna check you for tics (and I wanna kick you in the ‘nads. Do we have a deal?)
• what’s an afrikaner like? (braaivleis, rugby, sunny skies and rebadged Korean cars)
• radioactive sharks (Dr Evil, is that you?)
• what blackmail means (give me all your money and I’ll tell you)
• if you were a wedgie (huh? You been hanging around assholes again?)
• shaggalicious angel (sorry, I’m shaggalicious Kyknoord. Try http://www.davidboreanaz.com)
• married woman looking for sex on the side (left or right?)
• what does KYK mean? (I get that a lot. To be honest, I often find myself re-reading stuff I’ve written and thinking, “WTF?”)
• worst case scenario at Koeberg (I would have thought that was pretty obvious: KABOOM!!!)
• panic attack alcoholism infidelity (sounds a bit like The Rake’s Progress for the new millenium but hey, everyone needs a hobby)
• cartoons of diaorrhoea (Pinky and the Drain, perhaps? No? How about Crappy Feet, or Monster Stink, then?)
• icing your testicles (next time use sunscreen, okay?)
• excessive cabbage consumption (life’s a gas, huh?)
• remove puke car (hey! It’s beige, okay? Beige. And I’m not moving it, so there!)
• peas on toast identity (ja ok, I confess – It’s me. No, really. I’ve been living a double life and I think it’s time for the lies to end)
• best excuses not to attend a function (if you find any good ones, you be sure to let me know, okay?)
• masturbation on rubber sheets (looking for ways to cut down on the dry-cleaning bill, are we?)
• gaan kak in die mielies (excellent advice! I approve)
• hippies deodorant (an entirely fictional concept. Doesn’t exist. Sort of like honest politicians, perpetual-motion machines etc.)
• i’ll touch my point with this contagion (you do know that you can get condoms for free now?)
• Where to buy weed in Pretoria (Ask Thabo. Why do you think he’s always smoking that pipe?)
• what does toilet papering mean? (it means it’s a pretty safe bet that you aren’t Mr Popularity)
• laddered pantyhose movie (the plot seems a bit thin – or are you going for the “sheer terror” angle?)
• you’ll regret it when you’re older (not a chance! I regret it already)
• other words for mountain (how about “really fucking HUGE hill”?)
• anatomy of a sloth (I’ll send you photo, okay?)
• dangers of auto fellatio (mistaking the hot exhaust for the car’s willy is by far the worst)
• because barney says so (Barney says, “Go screw yourself!”)
• innocent stalking (yeah, yeah, tell that to the judge)
• roads of life that lead to new turnings (congratulations, you got my stomach to participate)
• drawings of alien genitalia (I’d say you’ve got a long, hard look ahead of you)
• what did hippies stand for? (the abolition of deodorant and showers, apparently)
• beatings will continue until morale improves (I’m glad I’m getting through to someone)
• teaching suggestions for the other side (how about “Halo Polishing 101”, or “Pin Dancing for Beginners”?)
• what does emotional blackmail mean? (it means you’re in a reasonably typical relationship)
• how can cats see so well at night? (they can’t. They just have really good memories)
• yoga to reduce minus eyes number (maybe you should consider cutting back on the weed a bit)
• what is a philosophical imponderable? (the popularity of Reality Television would be a pretty good example)
• how to say I’m okay in south african (When you say “South African”, are you referring to Afrikaans, English, isiNdebele, isiXhosa, isiZulu, Sesotho sa Leboa, Sesotho, Setswana, siSwati, Tshivenda or Xitsonga?)
• Graeme Smith’s personal side (he doesn’t have one. He is, in fact, an android – like Riaan Cruywagen (but without the personality module installed). The really sad thing is that it took Minky absolute ages to figure this out)
• comet in south africa at the moment (holy shit! A semi-relevant search term. That’s a first)
• prickly scrotum (LIVE at Covent Garden! One Night Only!)
• mensa single (that’s kind of a no-brainer, isn’t it?)
• hippie protest signs (I reckon “Death to Hippies!” is pretty effective)
• winnie mandela’s dark side of leadership (try the ANC Woman’s League for info on Darth Winnie)
• Are all men two-timers? (nah – only the ones with neurotic, whiny partners)
• shag her up the arse (is that you, Renaud? Again?)
• doctor spycam (any relation to Doctor Phil?)
• raincoat flagellation (bad, bad raincoat!)
• remove puke smell in car (can’t be done. You’ll have to sell the car to a sinus sufferer)
• list of famous Satanists in south africa (sorry, I’m an athiest. It’s not quite the same thing)
• mountain lion urine (are you taking the piss?)
• ron burgundy i’m miserable (that’s a shame. By the way, I’m kyknoord, not Ron Burgundy)
• words to someone who just divorced (how about “bummer, dude”?)
• nudists at the supermarket (I’d love to know where you go shopping)
• other words besides beautiful (you might want to give “thesaurus” a whirl)
• using nads for a brazilian wax (Ouch! That’s gotta hurt)
• redheads known to have anger management issues (I’m guessing all of them)
• soggy biscuit pictures (takes all kinds, doesn’t it?)
• pig throwing redneck (why would the pig even bother?)
• do wranglers damage the scrotum? (depends on who’s doing the wrangling, doesn’t it?)
• home trepanning (don’t try this at home, kids)
• iggy pop horsetail (Is he any relation to Billy Idol Pigsnout?)
• bra unhooking pictures (I wonder what the bra does with the pictures after it’s finished unhooking them?)
• “ate too much” burp (may I suggest “table manners” for your next search?)
• wedgie sexual disorders (experts agree that admitting there’s a problem is the first step)
• nice sayings at funerals (you mean stuff like “I’m glad the fucker’s dead”? I’ve got plenty of those)
• pathetic pessimist drip (Mom? Are you stalking me again?)
• satanic symbols (sorry. Don’t have any verses, either)
• quotes haemorrhoids piles (first one’s free. $10 for each subsequent one)
• ambulatory toilets (this certainly beats pink elephants. What are you on?)
• man with a nickname “the buns of steel” (well, I don’t like to brag…)
• olive branch in one hand, gun in other (that’s one way of covering your options, I suppose)
• what does emotional blackmail mean (it means you’re fucked, but not in a good way)
• femblog (I know it’s not exactly Testosterone City here, but that’s just mean)
• muizenberg crime nigerians (looking for a focus group, are we?)
• pelvic massage relieve south africa (are you asking, or offering?)
• cross breeding tomato (you need to speak to my old man)
• Lawyer is just in it for the money (A sensible search string for a change)
• need to terminate an employee (so the anger management course isn’t working for you, huh?)
• high court turnaround time (depends how much money your lawyer thinks you have)
• eeyore smoking a blunt (maybe that’s why he’s paranoid?)
• occupational haemorrhoids (I’d love to know what your occupation is)
• narcissistic personailty disorder (are you looking for pointers?)
• yoga and autofellatio (I just knew that was coming)
• i know what you had for breakfast (big deal. I know what you did last summer)
• beating codependency (as long as you aren’t beating your codependent)
• how to get rid on fishmoths (typos are a good place to start. Fishmoths are quite anal about that)
• pictures of atomic wedgies done to male (this is a school project you’re working on, right?)
• Do dumpers miss their dumpees (if you find out, you be sure to let us know, okay?)
• midlife crisis duration (can’t help you there – mine’s ongoing)
• last will and testament (feeling the inexorable approach of the Ultimate Abyss, are we?)
• toddler tantrum never ending (don’t be silly, you can’t live forever)
• reasons behind toilet papering houses (there need to be reasons?)
• regaining lost memories (boy, have you come to the wrong place!)
• dark purple cloaks (looking to make a fashion statement, maybe? in your case, it would be “Help!”)
• misogynisti (the woman-hating version of the illuminati, perhaps?)
• personal nudist blog (no doubt as a result of Shutterjane’s comment below)
• pain in the khyber (are you planning to give or receive?)
• the dangers of using nads (depends on what you want to use them for, doesn’t it?
• buttock bonanza (perhaps you should try ‘Brokeback Mountain’)
• giving a urinal (for the man who has everything, no doubt)
• recreational defecation (I really don’t want to know)
• to eat or not to eat chocolate cake (that’s a rhetorical question, right?
• i hate my upstairs neigbour (don’t we all?)
• i love pain (then you’ll really like my job)
• defecation euphemism (what a load of shite!)
• other side of the hyphen (I almost renamed the blog after this one!)
• how i lost my virginity (you can’t remember??? how sad)
• barney dinosaur gets a wedgie (not here, he doesn’t)
• what does the phrase go the whole hog mean (why? Is Babe giving you the glad eye?)
• pictures of australopithcus (jeez. I’m not that ugly)
• why do ballerinas eat cotton wool (it sure beats McDonalds)
• why do puddles appear (that’s from a Carpenter’s song, isn’t it?)
• when you’re up to your ass in crocodiles (are you looking for a job at my company?)
• goblet of hemlock? (making dinner for your Mother-in-law, by any chance?)
• brazilian wax description and demonstration (the ‘demonstration’ part is extremely worrying)
• cool hippie names (how about Zambulon Little Banana?)
• pistons flying through hood (obviously you have the same car as me)
• scrotum carving (get help. Seriously)
• i slept with her sister (so did I, but I don’t brag about it to Google)
• exploding brain syndrome (this is the definitive site for EBS)
• how do i end a platonic affair (easy. Have sex, then it’s no longer platonic)
• mozart requiem sexual innuendo (WTF?)
• the answer isn’t at the bottom of the bottle (depends on the question, doesn’t it?)
• amateur porn actors wanted in cape town (sorry, I’m strictly professional)
• unhooking wife’s bra (don’t ask me, I’m no longer married)
• sonic the hedgehog and the atomic wedgie boy (that has a nice ring to it)
• experiments with goose poop (pushing back the frontiers of science are we?)
• novshmozkapop (yu ijit. Diz iz maykup wird)
• excessive drooling in toddlers (just keep them away from McDonalds)
• macho posturing stare down (you talkin’ ta me?!!)
• hark i hear a pistol shot oh shit i’m shot (stop screwing around on the computer and call 911)
• sales pitches for phone sex (I really don’t want to know)

+ Translation available on request