I was heading out towards Kraaifontein on the N1 yesterday and a short distance beyond the interchange with the R300, I noticed an Egyptian goose perched on one of the street lights. “That’s strange”, I thought, “I wonder what it’s doing up there?”. Conducting first-year university physics experiments, apparently. By this I mean it chose that precise moment to take it’s mid-morning dump and proceeded to perform an absolutely spectacular bowel evacuation.
Last night’s dinner struck my windscreen with the accuracy of a smart bomb and almost completely obliterated my view of the freeway. What are the odds? I’ve never had a bucket of whitewash upended on my car, but I think I have a good idea of what it must be like. The foul fowl was either severely incontinent or it really, really didn’t like the look of me. Naturally, I set my wipers going and attempted to dislodge the copious quantities of crap, but my screen wash reservoir wasn’t quite up to the task. I ended up squinting through a hazy translucence while I inched my way to the next exit at about 30 km/h.
Anyone know any good recipes for Crispy Goose? Next time, I’m taking that bastard down.
the other side of the mountain 
Do you drive a white car? Apparently, birds are more likely to poop on white cars than any other….
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I have a recipe for duck medallions in orange sauce, if you are interested. I am sure it will go equally well with geese.
Failing that, we can do “goose-on-a-spit”.
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Michelle: As it happens, I do have a white car (a lot whiter than normal, yesterday). At least I can take solace in the fact that my car has a statistical predisposition toward being bird bombed. Who does a study like that anyway? Surely our scientists would be better occupied finding cheap renewable energy sources, alternative uses for politicians and so forth?
chitty: Homer Simpson voice “Mmmmm. Goose on a spit”. Now there’s a happy thought.
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Don’t you just hate that.
Birds seem to love disgarding their faeces onto my car just after I’ve buffed and polished it…
Apparently its good luck? Or maybe thats just some dodgy Australian saying 🙂
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rez: I was told that it’s ‘lucky’ to have a bird poop on you. It is. Unlucky.
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Was that goose from Upper or Lower Egypt? 🙂
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Paul: Dunno. By the time I was close enough to ID the damned thing, I couldn’t see much. Pick one.
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A post that truly disgusts. Classic.
And thank you kindly for the “goat is the new che” comment. It made my day.
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jay: Glad to oblige – on both counts. I’ve already started the production run using your ‘marigold look’ school photo. Order now!
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Most flying objects with crap dispensers seem to enjoy targeting my bonnet. I do however find that a bit of clean green in the water dispenser gets rid of most windscreen decorations.
P.S. What one earth are you doing on the R300 anyway!?
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eKapa: Thanks for the Clean Green tip – I’ve updated my shopping list. With regard to your question: I was en-route to host the forth annual Sexiest Body of the Year award show. I wish. My trip was work-related (grindingly dull, I know).
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1.5 kg goose
1 tablespoon salt
2 slices ginger roo, crushed
2 cloves Garlic crushed
2 Spring onions ( extra bounce )
3 tablespoons Rice wine
2 teaspoons 5spice powder
1 teaspoon Peppercorn oil …
Serving
4 Spring onions
6 tablespoons Hoison goose sauce
Method :
Clean the goose well and rub with salt inside and out this will tickle the goose but it’ll be OK .
Place it in a deep dish, add ginger root, garlic, onions, rice wine or sherry, five-spice powder and Szechwan peppercorns.
Steam vigorously for at least 2 1/2 hours, remove and discard the ginger root, garlic, onions and Szechwan peppercorns.
Turn the goose over and let it marinate in the juice but make sure it don’t splash about by reading it stories .
After about 2-3 hours, take it out to cool until the skin in dry.
Heat up the oil and deep-fry the goose until golden and crispy and it stops making gooselike screaming noises .
To serve, either leave it whole or split it in half lengthways.
Yum Yum !!!
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LC: And for dessert – lemming meringue pie!
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Nothing like a few great alliterations to spice up an already funny anecdote. I laughed. Out loud. Thank you.
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lisa: Ta 🙂 I always say rather alliterate than illiterate.
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Thanks for the visit. So there really are other South African bloggers?
I’ll have to get a better disguise so that I don’t get mobbed by fans…
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scott: Indeed there are and yes, with that sexy mug of yours, you will definitely need a better disguise.
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Hiya Kyknoord~ Thanks for ocming by my blog and commenting on the obviously archaic ramblings of my hatemail author. I laughed it off. I never understood the purpose of hatemail, so to me it’s all fun and games.
As for your post, Holy Wow did I laugh, especially when I read “Next time, I’m taking that bastard down.”
Was your car recently washed? I believe fowl sense a freshly washed car and target them more frequently! Hahahah thank’s for the great laugh!! I’ll definately be back!! I’m adding you to my blogroll after I comment. I love your style! Have a great day!
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kyknoord- Jeebus, you’ve got me all in a sniveling tizzy. And AT WORK nonetheless! I just had to answer the phone and pretend I wasn’t crying.
Tread softly my friend, for your blog is on probation. It may end up on ‘Blogs I’m Not Allowed to Read at Work What With All the Laughter and Tears!’
Just kidding. I have no such list. I’ve told my coworkers I hear voices, so they just think I’m laughing at jokes the voices are telling me.
Hilarious.
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cyli: Don’t believe all that nonsense about ‘freshly washed cars’. Mine was recent runner-up in the Filthiest Car in the Entire World competition, so I think that bloody goose was just being vindictive.
ZG: Sorry for all the trouble – I shall strive for dull and pedestrian as far as possible. Hmmm… let’s see, a discourse on my seduction technique maybe?
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This was one of your best entries ever!
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christe: Thanks. Hang on a minute, you think that a post about goose poop is my best entry ever? Exactly how bad have the rest of them been? No, wait – I’d rather not know.
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That’s loose, Daddio. I have a squad that uses my parking lot as its landing strip/potty drop. Makes getting out of one’s car a “special” event.
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larry: You know the expression ‘pigs might fly’? Well these birds are swine!
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Brilliant… Recently I seem to have the misfotune of being targeted by some fowl-play.
I seem to think that brids can also sense new cars and try to deliberately deface them.
Now, I’ve resorted to driving around with a pellet gun, just incase an opportunistic bird decides to start a war.
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aquila: Desparate times, my friend. Desparate times.
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Damn shame. Just how close were you to notice that it was an Egyptian Goose? Must have been pretty close, or you are an ornotholygist (sp?).
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There are thousands of them and they’re about the only waterfowl in Cape Town that fit into the ‘big, brown, duck-like bird’ category.
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