I bumped into an old acquaintance at the Waterfront last night. We’ve been out of contact since last year, so we spent a bit of time catching up and I gave her my usual sixty-second trouble in paradise > separation > divorce > poverty sound bite+ to bring her up to speed on the happenings of the past twelve months or so. Then things took a turn for the worse:
SHE: So, are you seeing anyone at the moment?
ME: [putting on stupid accent] Yes, I am seeing you. You are not being invisible yet.
SHE: You know what I mean.
ME: Yes. Unfortunately I do. ”So, are you seeing anyone?”, is usually the opening gambit in a depressingly predictable attempt to set me up with your first-cousin-with-brain-removed or whatever. Please tell me I’m wrong.
SHE: Um…
ME: Nnnnnngh. I bloody knew it!
I am convinced that there is a matchmaking gene lurking somewhere in our DNA. Experience suggests that it is mainly dominant in women and is usually activated whenever a woman who is in a relationship comes into contact with someone who is not. It seems that the discomfort caused by the awful prospect of an unattached individual can only be relieved by the sound of wedding bells.
I suppose I should be less of an ungrateful bastard when people make an effort, but I really wish they would try and “fix” my (apparently) broken, hopeless, utterly desolate and joyless existence with packages marked “Lindt” or preferably, colourful paper rectangles autographed by Tito Mboweni.
+ this is the short version which specifically excludes exciting embellishments such as alien abductions, disembodied voices, exploding heads and the like – i.e. it’s almost true.
the other side of the mountain 
Hmmm.
Have you ever considered the possibility that her cousin may be a 5 on Maslow’s chart, she is Monica Belluci’s doppleganger and President of the Mensa Nymphomaniac Society?
LikeLike
I had this exact discussion with a lady i know the other day. about match making that is, not a set-up.
Funny thing is, even after our chat she emailed me to say that she told a friend of hers about me and we should definitely meet. i would love her… WTF?!
if you want to have a real lag, read Kevin Cadman’s perspective on matchmaking, he’s got it spot-on.
LikeLike
Or perhaps they ought to get around to sending you long ago promised paintings eh?
Its on my list…
😉
LikeLike
How do you keep coming up with these titles?? They are brilliant! – in context of course.
Anyway, i do know someone who just went through a similar ordeal living in fishoek. If you get desperate lemme know. I’m not trying to set you up, I’m just sayin. If you want. And she’s still got most of her brain.
LikeLike
Actually, I thought “So, are you seeing anyone” meant she was about to come on to you. And I’m bitterly disappointed, let me tell you. Bitterly.
LikeLike
You should have given her the line from The Seventh Sense – I see needy people.
The matchmaking gene you are talking about is called: “I can’t keep my nose out of your business”
LikeLike
I dislike matchmaking intensely. How can an arbitrary friend ever understand the nuances of chemistry?
LikeLike
AARRGHRGRH!!!! The pain of match making. And being happily single means my friends (and family friends & almost my own mother) sabotage me all the time, to prove to me & themselves that one just cannot be happily single.
Unless the guy is hot, shaggable, has unsuccessfully been treated for nymphomania, at his chateau in Bordeaux, I ain’t interested.
Oh man, good luck to you Kyk. I fear this is just the start. The older attached women get the more nervous they are of the ‘single world’ & need to justify their quiet no-sex couple world!
LikeLike
(In desperate tone) I haven’t met any of these matchmakers … where do they hang out?
LikeLike
homo escapeons: I have, but I’m afraid the poor girl will just have to live with the disappointment, won’t she?
other-duke: She probably thought you were being subtle.
caroline: Sweet 🙂 I love long-term projects.
lyn: Oh man, you crack me up every time.
anne: Anne, Anne. How long have you known me?
chitty: Put your pedal to the meddle, hm?
jam: Exactly. That’s a job for your pharmacist.
champagne heathen: Do you think the dude in Bordeaux has a sister?
luke: They’re everywhere, although fear makes them go to ground.
LikeLike
I hate getting the “don’t worry, your time will come” speech. Peppered with “there’s someone out there for you,” (do I look worried I am never going to find it?) “There are plenty fish in the sea” (PLEASE don’t make me feel worse with cliches), and my personal favourite: “You need to open yourself up for love.”
Please, no.
LikeLike
Dont think of it as “fixing”, rather a night out with someone who’s already been vouched for – that should restrain some of the panic 😉
LikeLike
Tell here cousin to send her entry into the next ‘WIN A DATE WITH KYK’ competition just like everyone else.
The gall of some people, always trying to jump the queue.
LikeLike
Lindt solves everything; especially the Lindor variant!
LikeLike
peas: Those are just begging for a response:
“Don’t worry, your time will come” – True, nobody lives forever.
“There’s someone out there for you” – True, I have many stalkers.
“There are plenty of fish in the sea” – What? You think I’m some kind of sicko pescophile?
“You need to open yourself up for love” – Recreational surgery? I think not!
katie possum: Panic, I can live with. The secure knowledge of impending disaster is a bit trickier.
revolving credit: I hadn’t actually planned on making it an annual event, but if I can fire up a sponsorship deal, it might be worthwhile.
kevin cadman: It’s not so hot on Sudoku, though.
LikeLike
It’s so odd that I should have spent a bit of time praising SA for legalising gay marriage when this perpetual need to get hitched up is a recipe for unhappiness. But, why make unhappiness a purely heterosexual thing?
LikeLike
Hilarious Kyk.
“Do I look like an icthyologist?”
LikeLike
DAMN!! For a second there I thought she was hitting on you!!
Stupid fixer uppers….
LikeLike
matchmaking is so fiddler on the roof, so back in the day! and why can’t people understand that sometimes being on your own is the best thing! no to matchmakers!!
LikeLike
Oh, Kyk.
“It seems that the discomfort caused by the awful prospect of an unattached individual can only be relieved by the sound of wedding bells.”
Thank (non-denominational, non-existant) god that I had just put down my mug of tea as I laughed so hard that it would have ended up all over my desk.
LikeLike
Ja unfortunately we can’t help ourselves. It’s the same gene that turns us into our mothers when we give birth and has us saying stuff like “do you have a jacket” for the rest of our lives.
LikeLike
alan: At least the divorce lawyers will be fractionally happier. That’s got to count for something.
peas: LOL. How about, “Fascinating. The Nile is the longest river in Africa”
spookieTW: Nah. Anne was disappointed, too.
carly: It’s genetic, I’m telling you.
mjw: Small mercies, eh?
terri: So there’s no hope at all? [sound of quiet sobbing]
LikeLike
it took me years to get my friends and family to stop trying to “fix” poor li’l ol’ me and to stop worrying about me because i “was so all alone all the time”
LikeLike
Yup, I have a friend too, natch!
Smooch,
The Tart
; *
LikeLike
Lindt can cure just about anything that ails you. My favorite is when women (and yeah, it seems to be women basically) sort of patronizingly pat you on the back to ‘console’ you while discussing the fact that you aren’t seeing anyone. Look, I don’t consider it a deadly disease, but, if they do, further packages of Guylian should be forwarded to my address.
LikeLike
“Did you know icthyologists are the least likely scientists to get laid?”
Matchmaker person: Really?
‘No. I can’t back that up. But shut up already.”
LikeLike
Hows about a couple of pieces of paper signed by merlyn lowther? go on, google it and let me know. and a Christmas edition Lindt Reindeer? Rumour has it i’m coming home for christmas (“,)
LikeLike
I’ve used you symbol to link to you from my new pictorial blogroll.
I hope that’s okay. If not please let me know.
LikeLike
I find low growling as soon as they even get a glint in their eye soon shuts the meddlesome fuckwits right up.
Did I mention I am a member of the Mensa Manless Society?
LikeLike
Okay, so what you are saying is I should stop trying to set you up with with my cousin, Bobby-Jo Dubois?
LikeLike
angel: This doesn’t bode well for me. No indeedy.
cheap tart: No doubt another employee of Road To Hell Paving Inc.
livewire: Yup. Men do tend to react differently. Many of them develop this hungry, envious aspect.
peas: That’s perfect 😀 I think we have a winner!
granny wrangler: Oh, I’m a big fan of Merlyn’s too. BTW, if the rumours are true, we should do lunch.
caroline: It’s a great idea and looks good. I certainly don’t mind.
cherriepie: You didn’t, but there was no need to 😉
katt: Of course not, but Bobby-Jo wants you to leave her the hell alone.
LikeLike