Mythconceptions

Back in the days when my wife and I were still living together (and actually talking to one another) the subject of birth control came up – so to speak. Mrs Kyknoord declared that she was done with the pill forever and that contraception would henceforth be my – um – baby. This seemed fair enough, so I shopped around a bit and after rejecting the obvious non-starters like the rhythm method (which is a rather amusing alternative description for ‘unplanned pregnancy’), the option we eventually decided on was the infamous VASECTOMY [cue lightning flash & rumble of thunder].

Now there is a lot of myth and misinformation* surrounding the procedure, but in truth, it’s about as complicated as going for a haircut (just a little off the top, Doc). All I had to do was plonk my ‘nads on the slab and let the surgeon trim a few tubes while he discussed his unpaid traffic fines with the nurse. If it was any more routine, there would be late-night infomercials for a DIY kit. In total, it took just over an hour from the time I checked in to the time I strolled out the door (doing my very best John Wayne impression). I’ve spent more time in the queue at the Post Office.

The worst part of the whole experience was having to strategically arrange my dangly bits for a week or two. Despite what Doctor Evil may have led you to believe, a shorn scrotum is no fun at all.

* Mainly silly castration jokes

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36 thoughts on “Mythconceptions

  1. Funny you should mention John Wayne in this particular post. Did you know his real name was Marion?
    Yes, I simply had to contribute my own silly castration joke.

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  2. I,ll chip in on that Medical
    Report –

    Patient: Doctor, you,ve
    taken out my tonsils, my
    adenoids, my gall bladder,
    my appendix, and my varicose
    veins, but I still don,t
    feel well.
    Doctor: That,s quite enough
    out of you.

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  3. I’ve been told by someone who had this done too that as the doctor was giving him the local anesthetic with a great big syringe they were careful to say

    “just a little…. scratch”

    πŸ˜‰

    And word veri is asking if there were any stitches?

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  4. _

    What is going on?

    First Peas broke her guy’s joystick (now if that’s not a qualification for a nympho then I don’t know what is) and shared that with us and now you share this!

    I cringed both times. Actually, I shed tears for Peas’ boyfriend.

    How come you guys beat the captain of male disaster, Chitty, to the really serious damage (pissing in a bottle doesn’t count)? You reckon he’s holding out on us?

    IITQ
    _

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  5. anne: And did you know that my real name isn’t Bob?

    Anon: As much fun as it would be to dream up some sort of arcane connection between the two, I have to confess that the two are unrelated. The topic was actually inspired by a recent e-mail from a friend.

    whatalotoffun: I imagine it would hurt like the blue blazes if they didn’t use anaesthetic, but fortunately, they do. Incidentally, it’s not really intended to be reversible.

    Pro & Edel: Put your head through the window and the pane will be gone.

    Caroline: A scratch! That’s – er – bollocks. Oddly enough, it feels exactly like having a needle jabbed into your delicates, but the drugs kick in very quickly. One stitch, btw.

    PI: Oh, but I am. I’m also making inroads into the other deadly sins, too πŸ™‚

    IITQ: Chitty? The original Mr TMI? I don’t think so.

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  6. Bless, it almost sounds…pleasant. My father made up some story about a back op when I was a kid but actually also had his willy tube cut.

    That’s the only thing I have ever had to deal with in the way of vesectomies.

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  7. Yikes… sounds incredibly painful and not something I would like to even consider… for now!
    [Jeepers! How I did I become the poster boy for your posts? I am right here, guys. I can read too, you know.]

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  8. Larf Out Loud!
    That John Wayne image was perfect..remember in the Bird Cage when Nathan Lane does that super effeminate John Wayne walk and Robin Williams was shocked because it was so perfect…

    A Brazilian Wax would be walk in the park compared to watching Doc’s vodka induced trembling hands wavering a stainless steel blade about my naughty bits….

    To be shorn is to be forlorn..and ITCHY!You have to sit on the couch and hang your boys in a jar of Oil of Olay for a day or two. AAAhh!

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  9. I know you wrote this one just so you could use that title! When my dad had it done he brought something home for Show and Tell. I still don’t know what was in that glass jar…

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  10. I have asked my hubby to do the same – he is so not game for the procedure. I too am done with the pill and I would sort of be ok with another baby if it happened – he is not. So it is up to him to abstain or prevent. Abstinence is not his strong suit (or mine).

    I think every man should get his scrotum sorn at least once a month so they can experience the joys of what we have to when you all want a brazillian or whatever design for our areas that bloom.

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  11. Sheesh, U must go in 4 the reverse.
    There must be ‘mini-me-kyknoords’ 4 the world to enjoy, natch!

    Smooch,
    The Tart
    ; )

    LOL on “homo escapeons” Oil of Olay do-dad treatment!

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  12. Kyk, you are lucky you have had the snip because what I am about to tell you will put any man off the procedure. Flyboy’s Strange Employer had the snip and we assume that the one side was snipped by a doctor in the know as a demonstration and the other, by the observing rookie doctor. His one testicle swelled up like a tennis ball and it turned blue! John Wayne could have learnt a few things from him after that.

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  13. I’m still laughing at the idea of the John Wayne swagger… but you know, if your skinny little neighbor with the extra large underwear would have been around at that time, you could have swiped a few pair to ensure that your dangly bits stayed nice and, uh, dangly durning the healing process. πŸ˜‰

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  14. I can just see you as John Wayne. And I can even imagine you talking like him right after the snip…

    Not looking forward to it, but I’m sure my day will come too!

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  15. Given that we, the uterus carriers endure periods, child birth, pap smears and hot flushes/flashes (in Americanese) – I think it would be fair for this procedure to be compulsory for all existing and potential Dads. In spite of his general willingness to do anything for me, I can’t shift my beloved’s point of view on this one – H.E.L.P.! and hats off to you for doing it.

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  16. Peas: Well, let’s say not too unpleasant.

    realist: It only hurts when you laugh

    M: Thanks. We all managed to emerge relatively unscathed.

    Chitty: In all seriousness, it wasn’t painful – just weird. After the anaesthetic wore off, it was uncomfortable for a day or two, but that was it. They gave me some funky orange painkillers, but I actually didn’t need them.

    homo escapeons: You’ve done this before, haven’t you?

    andrea: Guilty as charged. I wonder why I didn’t get a glass jar. I feel so cheated.

    Tammy: Does abstinence makes the part grow longer? Tell your hubby it’s a walk in the park. Real men may not eat quiche, but they shouldn’t mind putting their goolies on the line for their girl

    IITQ: TMI = Too Much Information

    The Tart: I would think one Kyknoord Jr is quite enough for this poor old world.

    Spookie: It motht thertainly ith. Opening night was okay. No major injuries.

    Katt: I’d be willing to bet Flyboy’s boss didn’t heed the ‘minimum recovery time’ warning and tried to take his tackle out for a test-drive too early. Oh damn, the alliteration police are at the door.

    LiVEwiRe: But this was the – er – root of the problem. When one particular dangly bit dangled too close to another (shaved and dangerously prickly) dangly bit, it – well – prickled.

    Ol’ Hoss: Social reformer, me. A veritible living saint.

    delboy: You’ll do fine. The John Wayne walk isn’t compulsory, btw.

    dawn: I presume you’ve called him a ninny and mocked him mercilessly. No? Worth a try for the entertainment value at the very least.
    ———————————-
    Incidentally, the two ‘removed’ comments were Chitty’s, so if you want to know what he wrote before he chickened out and deleted them… you know the drill: $20 application fee and a photo of yourself in the nude.

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  17. So is it true that you have don’t to shuffle choir stalls after the snip? My mate says no, that’s only if they take the gonads out completely.

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  18. rc: I’ve been pushing to have it renamed “Rhythm Roulette”, but for some reason the local Archbishop isn’t interested.

    nomad: It feels identical to being a whole man. I did need therapy after the John Wayne jokes, though. It went well, many thanks.

    marcuse: Your mate is correct. In fact, you have to have your conkers removed before puberty to maintain the high register. The V-section doesn’t usually affect libido, performance or appearance in any significant way.

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  19. oooh… i can empathise with the post shave itch doll- very irritating!
    but just to gooi a spanner in the works here- maybe it’s coz i’ve never been married, but i don’t understand the whole “thing” around who’s taking care of the contraception issue. i’m quite happy on the pill- what’s the fuss?

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  20. Caroline: [shocked silence]

    Aquila: Nothing to it. Afterwards, I felt a bit foolish for feeling so apprehensive.

    angel: All I know is that there’s no hard & fast rule as to how it affects you. My wife felt a significant difference when she went off the pill.

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