Cultivation

I’m thinking about starting my own cult. This seems to be a viable alternative to working for a living, because you can make obscene amounts of money without actually having to do anything useful. Kind of like politics, but without the shame. In fact, all that’s really required is for you to be charismatic*.

No real experience is necessary and I’ve had sufficient dealings with hippies to be able to cobble together a sufficiently convincing, albeit completely garbagenous, belief system (hey, just like a real cult!). If I can bribe someone like Moonflake to denounce the undertaking, it will add a much-needed boost to the overall legitimacy of the enterprise. All I need now is a catchy name. I’m thinking of something along the lines of Cayennetology. Geddit? KN-tology? Jeez, tough room.

I already have my first convert. Almost. She just doesn’t realise it yet***. Katt is coming to Cape Town for visit at the end of the month and I have the spare room all kitted out with my indoctrination apparatus. [Note to self: must buy new heater for spare room. Newly-brainwashed cult members will be less likely to break their nakedness programming if temperature is kept optimal].

Anyone wishing to become a Cayennetologist can apply to the usual address, although this time you have to give me ALL your money.

* Yes, I realise that this may be a minor** obstacle, but the market niche I’m mainly aiming at includes minor celebrities who aren’t quite ready to commit to high-profile mainstream cults.

** Huge

*** Mwahahahahahah!

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78 thoughts on “Cultivation

  1. I think someone’s beaten you to the Cult Punch. For example, there is a food that can separate the Adherents from the Non-.

    Witness:
    http://www.hotsauceblog.com/
    hotsaucearchives/
    cayenne-peanut-butter-cookies/

    Hhhmmm…
    Must. Bake. Cayenne. PB. Cookies.
    Yikes! Could it be I’m already in your Cult-ish Clutches?

    Like

  2. I’m a bastard rich type A who hasn’t got time to waste cultivating sychophants so I will buy me a readymade cult from Cults-R-Us.

    You can hop onboard as bestuurder if you wish. 10% of all takings can be yours. Warm terts is ook joune!

    Wag, wag wag, what ology or ism can I call it?

    Ag, you and the sekretaris can decide. Yust call me op the mobile. I are on my jagt by Monaco!

    Bwahaahaahaahaa!

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  3. Fence: Cash, primarily. With the current state of the world, I’m happy for others to have it.

    Lori Witzel: Oh yes.

    Robert: 10%? 10%? Boet, as soon as I have my ‘Defenders of the Faithful’ enforcement brigade trained, I will be sending them sort you out, so watchit, hoor?

    Mandy: Well okay, but only if it has a catchy name.

    forgottenmachine: Ah, the Director of Communications has spoken!

    Champagne Heathen: Definitely group enlightenment. There’s already a crowd that goes in for abstinence and I believe it isn’t working out too well for them.

    Peas on Toast: Excellent, excellent! I shall watch my bank balance with keen interest.

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  4. Although a tad of a “hippie-wannabe” I’m not in to the whole cult thing. I like individuality.

    OK, basically you lost me on the whole “give you all my money thing.” Well and the fact that most cults aren’t very supportive of manicures, pedicures and hair highlights for members. And I only BUY organic food (on occasion) I’m not into growing it.

    And although I like you kyknoord, I’m not into worshipping any man. But hey, good luck with that.
    πŸ˜‰
    And I hope you have a fun visit with Katt!

    3T
    PS. Katt, don’t drink the kool aid! πŸ˜‰

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  5. Katt: You think you’ll be able to squeeze through the bars then?

    M: ‘strue. I have some very irate fishmoths knocking around in the cupboards.

    Mandy: My remorse knows no bounds. How can I make it up to you? The ritual suicide number is getting a bit old.

    Chitty: I thought I was quite clear on the nudity aspect. Anyway, I don’t really care one way or the other what you eat and you can keep your earthly possessions – I just want your money.

    Geena: Sharp as pencil, you are πŸ˜‰

    3T: Hey, I’m not at all against titivation and I can’t say I really care for the worship thing. However, your resistance to the basic tenet of faith – i.e. “give me all your money” – is troubling.

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  6. I tried this once in PE and got 14 members signed up. I was just doing it for tax purposes and they lost interest when they realised that they weren’t going to be called on to do anything cultish.

    I count myself lucky. There are few things worse than having to spend time with people who are maniacally evangelical about ideas that you thought up as a joke.

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  7. forgottenmachine: When am I ever not serious?

    Mandy J Watson: No, that would be the charisma thing again.

    Andrew: So I guess you aren’t going to be applying for the position of Activity Director?

    Katt: Yes, look directly into the light…

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  8. I thought that they manufactured Axe for charisma issues. You should look into it.

    Personally, I stopped liking the brand once they changed the name to Axe and tweaked the slant of the advertising (to being disgustingly (subtextually) misogynisti rather than previously amusingly, marginally offensive).

    I guess then you have a choice – do you want to attract hot chicks or me? Tought decision, I know. I’ll wait.

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  9. That should be tough. Hopefully spelling doesn’t count.

    (Of course not! What am I talking about? What hot chick can spell?)

    ((Of course, one could argue that since I wasn’t positioning myself as a “hot chick”, I should be able to spell, so it’s all become very confusing and infinite loopish. Not so much for me, but probably for you and/or everyone else. Ok. Going to post in my own blog now.))

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  10. Mandy: Are you done?

    FM: There is always paperwork. Pods? Hmmm… yes, the idea definitely apples to me – I mean appeals to me.

    andrea: You aren’t fooling anyone. I know you’re typing your application as we speak (or type – hey, whatever)

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  11. okay, these are the steps:
    1. quit your job
    2. buy a farm in the freestate or another equally secluded part of the world and build a compound
    3. get some followers, preferably female. lying and kidnapping are considered legitimate tactics in gathering followers, as is brainwashing
    4. stock up on the guns and koolaid. You can get koolaid at checkers and i hear the cops will sell you those gun-licence-amnesty guns for a very reasonable price.
    5. Start a website to advertise your cult to the masses, and try to use at least 2 font sizes, styles or colours per sentence.

    And you’re all set! Remember that when you predict the end of the world and it doesn’t happen, it’s because the sheer power of your brain prevented the planet from exploding. All hail Kyknoord, for ever and ever, amen.

    Like

  12. i’m a convert! i’m a convert! dude- um- i haven’t got any money right now… but can i be a “Cayennetologist” anyway?
    paleeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzz

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  13. And I’ll draft you a disclaimer for all your devotees to sign.

    I’d elaborate but my cat has just brought me a live mouse present and its hard to type from the far end of the sofa. Eeeeeewwwwww! He’s crunching it now!!!!

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  14. Aside from the predictable yet critical nakedness programming, what does the rest of your indoctrination process entail?

    And what chemical, laughtrack or other suitable material or method will you be using for the inevitable mass suicide?

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  15. oh dear kyk, I’m just not into cayenne, it makes me sneeze.
    Oh well, I’m sure you’ll find many others willing to grovel and scrape.

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  16. moonflake: I think I’m going to have to outsource a bit.

    angel: Absolutely not. “…haven’t got any money…” is tantamount to blasphemy.

    The Tart: Please give a hearty (and tarty) welcome to our Director of Catering.

    Cherrypie: It’s okay, I’ll wait. Actually, I’m counting on the fact that after they give me all their money, they won’t be able to afford to litigate after the wheels come off.

    Within Without: If I told you that, it would ruin the surprise. As far as the other goes, I’m leaning towards the “holding your breath until you turn blue in the face” method.

    Shortypam: Not like we have any choice. Can’t seem to get rid of the little bastards.

    Jam: Dear Jam, it’s only a name. So I guess this is why you don’t fly Virgin Atlantic.

    Mandy: You could have just nodded, you know.

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  17. Well, I did, but I don’t think you noticed. Like now – what am I doing now?

    (At this point I’m leaving out the rest of what I wanted to say because, although very good, may be totally misunderstood by people randomly reading this (and therefore detrimental to my burgeoning fame).)

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  18. Mandy: I would argue that either nothing is random or everything is, so it matters not a jot either way. Your fame can therefore continue to burgeon unimpeded.

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  19. FM: You missed Director of Activities. And what about Director of Blinkies? The code is available here.

    Shortypam: I will be teaching you that nothing is free. This lesson will commence as soon as you give me all your money and your clothes.

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  20. Revolving Credit: Director of Finance seems a perfect fit for you.

    Robert: Well okay, but first you have to give me all your money.

    moonflake: I suppose cloning’s out of the question?

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  21. Kyk clones!!!!

    YES, box 4 up pronto for me … ship out via fastest overnight service, provide extra batteries.
    Send bill to Revolving Credit or Robert!

    Smooch,
    The Tart
    ; *

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  22. Kyk, you are an amazing man. Obviously you have the “charisma” to start your own cult.

    However, I note that aside from a very willing Shorty Pam and a few others, everyone wants a management job.

    Too many generals, not enough soldiers. How do you propose to deal with this issue?

    Is the Communications Directors’ job still open? I’ll alert the media immediately.

    Like

  23. anne: If you must, but I’d prefer you to be Director of Translation. French people have money too.

    The Tart: I think you may be referring to the Fully Functional Full-Size Fantastic Kyknoord Action Figure (TM). We’re out of stock.

    Within Without: Any good cult needs a strong leadership core. This is expecially important when everyone is naked. However, since you have identified a potential area of deficiency, I think we should make you Director of Recruitment.

    Like

  24. I’m definitely diggin’ the cult thing. You might be surprised how many people would follow you! You have to provide a trinket of sorts for all your followers though, that the rule.

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  25. livewire: Hey, I make the rules here (but your suggestion has been noted).

    barbedwire: Tell me about it! At least you escaped, that’s the main thing.

    mandy:Yes, to both questions “…chop action…” [snigger]. It’s a bastard to keep clean, though.

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  26. Kyk, you know that I am one of your devoted followers, but this whole cult idea scares the living bejeevez out of me because most of them end in mass suicide. I’ll join as long as you add a clause that clearly states suicide not an option – EVER!!! I’ll be one of the lowely followers seeing that all the top jobs have been taken. They say you snooze, you loose!!

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  27. Kyk … who is the ‘Director of Security’?

    Help … we’ve got ShoryPam’s Fruit Fairies sneaking off with the buttercream frosting, AGAIN!
    I worked for hours on that stuff … it was for orgy night, you know … ‘get-to-know-your-cult-buddy-better.’

    Sheesh … now I have to start all over. ; )
    Smooch,
    The Tart

    Ps. Maybe Buddesss might be interested in the job?

    Like

  28. Since everyone’s claiming directorships I would like to be Director of Directionality so I can put up signs in the compound to point people to my cult (which is not in your compound, in case you’re wondering, we just have a secret base stationed in your compound to improve our operational efficiency.)

    Erm, I mean, we had a secret base…

    Whoops. Guess I can’t ever be Director of Security or Director Communications. Or Director of Secure Communications.

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  29. 3T: In that case, you can have a percentage of the job.

    The Tart: Don’t worry about the fruit fairies. Soon they’ll be too fat to fly and we can bin the whole lot of them.

    Mandy: What? This isn’t a sodding corporation, okay? I can’t just go handing out directorships to the competition, you know.

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  30. What time-warp machinery? Don’t give me back-handed free advertising like that. People will visit my site and then be disappointed.

    (There is no time-warp machinery, people, just so you know.)

    Also, I, too, can make my own blinkys anytime I want, so there!

    (Although blinkys hurt people’s eyes so, as a self-proclaimed usability expert, I prefer not to.)

    Like

  31. My name is Sunny Boy Kaballa. I am the nephew of the multi-millionaire businessman Richard Kaballa, formerly of Lagos, Nigeria.

    In 2005 my uncle died and left me in control of his vast 200 million US dollar fortune with the instructions to give it away to suitable religious causes.

    I have been working through the list of religions, starting from A. I have got to the C’s and would like to offer you 3 million dollars to help you to establish your cult properly.

    Just send me your Name, Date of Birth, Mother’s maiden name, and your full bank details to facilitate me transferring the money to you.

    One little thing: send me 500 dollars adminstration fee, in unmarked bills, care of my secretary:
    John Kardal
    123 Milton Street
    Lagos, Nigeria

    Like

  32. Sunny Boy Kaballa: I have sent my five hundred Zimbabwe dollars, as requested and I await your response with breathless eagerness.

    Mandy: Yes indeedy. You know you’ve arrived when you get 419ed (although I’m not sure about this one. It’s suspiciously articulate).

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  33. I seem to recall that the Maharishi spent most of his time trying to nail Mia Farrow’s sister instead of showing the Beatles the path to Enlightenment.
    I guess that the trappings of Power are the same from Clintonian White House closets to Marakesh.
    I regret that I can’t send you any money right now but I am in the process of securing my financial freedom by transferring my vast diverse portfolio into the ubiquitous netherworld of Blogshares.

    Like

  34. Pingback: Minister of Culture « the other side of the mountain

  35. Wow. Trip back in time.
    -> Boetseun:
    It was a blinky graphic that blinked a lot.
    I still miss my cat – he was wonderful – but the massive pain has eased a bit (I must update my profile page actually). Thanks for asking.
    BTW are you the guy (?) that searched for me on Google using that rather offensive term? Shame on you! (And yes, I see everything).

    Like

  36. Mandy: Do you still see something in google?
    Try Again.. Don’t know what you are talking about. But enjoy your day anyways(:

    Like

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