I know I’ve been under the radar for a while now, but I was on a road-trip with Elvis, Salman Rushdie and the Easter Bunny, whilst carrying out a micron-accuracy survey of my belly-button. I didn’t spend the entire time navel-gazing, though. Apart from showing up at the office and pretending work, I also:
- found Jesus (turns out he’d fallen down behind the bookcase when I was vacuuming);
- became a computer orphan after my motherboard died;
- started growing a moustache;
- got an unexpected phone call from my long-lost teenage son;
- received an email from an ex-girlfriend telling me that she’s getting married;
- almost went on a date;
- shot an alien in my parents’ back yard;
- gave a heart-rending performance on stage at the Baxter Theatre; and
- accidentally swallowed a button thinking it was a vitamin pill+
.
One of the above isn’t true, by the way. I’ll give you a hint: it isn’t the one about the alien – that IS true.
+ Perhaps the less said about the nasty incident involving the suppository, the better.
Welcome ba— oh no, hold on. We’ve ALREADY DONE THAT, ya big tease.
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I bet its the Jesus thing that is the lie…
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What? Are you saying I’m fat?
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right. like you’d ever take a vitamin… busted…
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Scurvy is your friend!
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It’s the moustache. Either you grow one or you don’t. Hell, I start growing one every morning until I shave (I’m shaving more regularly now that my daughters worry about being seen with someone
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so scruffy), so I reckon it’s that.
Did you like the seamless commenting over two entries? I have no idea what I pressed.
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You don’t need a ‘tache to be scruffy, but it certainly adds credibility.
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The heart-rending performance. (You’ve been called heartless more than once.)
But working in the Jesus angle shows you’re back in form. 🙂
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Even worse – a lawyer once called me heartless.
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That Easter bunny is a bastard! Last year he hid all my eggs in the sun and they melted!
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Not surprising. He failed thermodynamics like three times.
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You can almost go on a date with me anytime!
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I’m almost excited.
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Your long-lost lad, eh. How did that go? 🙂 Oh, and welcome back. Will there be photos of the ‘tache? Is this in honour of Movember, or don’t you have that down there?
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No, no, no, that’s not how the game works!
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*Sigh* I was never any good at games… 😦
Um… why would the ex email you to tell you she was getting married? Surely she wasn’t thinking you’d make a better offer?
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Hard to say. It may also have been a subtle hint for me to return her vacuum cleaner.
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I would estimate a solid 75% of the people I know are antisocial and lazy, myself included. So you’re in good company.
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Excellent. I would suggest we form a club, but that would kind of defeat the purpose.
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Some people would call that a support group. You could say that we are in a rut. I prefer to call it a groove.
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Groovy!
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you have a long lost son?????
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Nah, he’s kind of short and owns a GPS.
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Don’t worry, Kyknoord, I have enough buttons in my stomach right now to fasten an entire village of children’s jackets!
I have no idea what that means, btw. But still, I’m happy you’re here!
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Me too! Wait – what are my alternatives?
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It is Movember, it is moustache growing time
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It could also be Mowvember – moustache shaving time.
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The great navel inspection research group. Do not leave us now.
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How does one almost go on a date.
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It’s a bit like being stood up, but in advance.
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I’m guessing “found Jesus”. I can’t even imagine you having a postcard of Jesus.
What was the alien like? Did it mind getting shot? Maybe that’s how they say “hi” on it’s planet, and you ended up becoming good friends. Is that what happened? (I have so many questions.)
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And I have so few answers, but I’ll give you the ones I have: 1812; The Gobi Desert; and 12 oz.
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Liked the Alien..
I’m hoping the e mail from the ex wasn’t reminding you to show up to the wedding she planned for the two of you..It’s been known to happen that way..all the crazies out there.
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That’s why I prefer hanging out with aliens.
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we all know you’re physically incapable of growing a moustache.
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That sounds suspiciously like a challenge. By the way: FIRST!
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Well, I know what one is true, but only because I’ve heard about Jesus falling before, apparently he fell from some woman named Grace long before he fell off yr bookshelf….
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Didn’t he also fall down and break his crown and Jill came tumbling after?
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Was Jesus cross when you found him, dear?
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You nailed it!
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Wow! I’m stumped. I’d have said that it was the moustache but just because you can’t really grow one doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t try. I’m going with the teenage son. I know you’re lazy and antisocial (that’s what makes you so attractive to a hermit like me) but I reckon you are not that careless that you’d lose track of a son. Mind you maybe he fell behind the shelf with Jesus when you were vacuuming. I guess you really are lazy and only vacuum very occasionally?
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It’s entirely plausible. It would also explain the missing cellphone.
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Was it Wikus Van De Merwe? Did you eat the prawn with peri peri?
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Ja, a triumph of brain over prawn.
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uuuuuum its the baxter theater?
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You do know that Kyknoord isn’t my stage name?
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ah, so that’s why you’re always calling out “Jesus!”. you were looking for him! you’d think he’d answer right off, but guess he’s a playful prat.
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Deaf, too.
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I love that you found Jesus behind the bookshelf. Was he alright?
And I also love that you ALMOST went out on a date!! I did that this month too.
Wil you be posting about that?? The fans want to know.
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Nah, he just went to pieces.
I almost wrote about the date I almost went on.
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So… what’s Salman Rushdie like? I imagine funny but sensitive about his name.
And… Is it weird that I want to know more about the suppository?
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He’s also paranoid about food-poisoning.
And… yes, probably.
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… and that’s why I don’t take vitamins.
… and also why I missed you so much.
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You should see the crap I have to swallow at work.
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HA! I know where one of your vacuum cleaners live. Nuff said.
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Pish! My vacuum cleaner knows where you live, so there!
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