Intelligent Design

Yesterday, one of my colleagues sidled into my office, muttering that he needed help with “a big problem”+ It seems that he didn’t like my original design and decided to make a few “improvements” on site++ Enter Mr Cock-Up, stage right. Of course, in the traditional manner of dealing with these things, he wants to make it my problem.

“Why did you change the design?”
“We wanted to save money on the project”
“Uh-huh. I’ll bet you feel like an utter tit right now”

This was followed by the mandatory ten minutes of bluster, rationalisation and blame-shifting, but it finally came down to the inevitable:

“What must we do?”
“Okay, you need to do this” [demonstrates with sketch]
“B-b-but that’s going to be expensive”
“True, but if you’d stuck to the original design, this wouldn’t be necessary”
“But we don’t have that kind of money left on the budget”
“Ask for more”
“We can’t do that”
“Well, then you do have a big probem”
“Er – ja, how about we do this?” [describes totally lame-ass quick-fix kludge that would make even Heath Robinson shudder]
“No, that won’t work and it’ll cost even more to fix”
“Then what must we do?”
“Okay, you need to do this” [retrieves demonstration sketch]
“B-b-but…”

I love being an engineer.

+ I suggested he try Senakot, but that didn’t go down too well

++ His initiative is commendable, but he neglected to take into account the trivial fact that water never flows uphill on its own. Water is funny that way

A free lunch

You ever have one of those “Hot damn! Hey, waaait a minute…” moments?

It’s been busy here at the office. So much so that the frenzied activity at the Beaver Society’s Annual Dam Build-o-Thon looks pretty torpid and sluggish by comparison. Unfortunately, these periods of frantic hyperactivity are often accompanied by a need+ to work on weekends.

This irksome requirement might be more tolerable if it involved actual work, but since it usually consists of attending pointless meetings that the callers of pointless meetings weren’t able to squeeze in during the week, it does little to encourage inner tranquillity.

I was mentally preparing myself for one such session of Saturday stupidity last Friday evening, when my boss announced that I could “take the day off”. He’s obviously more observant than I give him credit for, although my facial tic and the fresh tooth marks on the desk may just have tipped him off about my deteriorating mental state. The euphoria lasted about thirty seconds before it suddenly occurred to me that I’m supposed to have Saturdays off+++

Clever bastard.

+ as determined by someone further up the corporate ladder from yours truly++

++ and therefore capable of dropping enough shit on my head to make me think twice about arguing

+++ Apparently the toy comes free with the Happy Meal, too

Curriculum Vitae

Name: K.N. Pepper

Date of Birth: The mists of time

e-Mail: stalkme@yourperil.ok

Qualification: As long as it’s not raining

Personal details:

• I bruise easily
• My wife didn’t really leave me for another woman
• I have an Abba song as a ringtone

Professional associations:

• Member of the Royal Institute of Meetings Engineers
• Fellow of the South African Association of Time-Wasters

Key skills:

• Time travel
• Mind reading
• Magic wand waving
• Invisible report writing
• Fool suffering
• Jaw clenching
• Extreme restraint

Outside interests:

• None (for the foreseeable future, apparently)

References:

• Herder der Großmutter
• Cedric D’Underculture
• Jam O’Limn

Have I mentioned that I hate my boss?

It’s a short step from…

• “sparing someone’s feelings” to “bullshit” (No really, you look fine)
• “desire” to “disappointment” (I wanna swing!!!)
• “insurance” to “frustration” (WHAT exclusion clause?)
• “death” to “taxes” (well, estate duties, at any rate)
• “expressing yourself” to “whining” (She loves me, she loves me not…)
• “writing” to “criticism” (no, I’m not talking about you, okay?)
• “an opinion” to “intolerance” (ditto)
• “taking an interest” to “stalking” (Yes, I am talking about you)
• “a viewpoint” to “insult” (see “sparing someone’s feelings”, above)
• “a matter of principle” to “poverty” (it’s cheaper to suck it up, baby)
• “I do” to “I don’t” (not that I’m cynical or anything)
• “having kids” to “alcoholism” (“crushed spirit” also works here)
• “marketing” to “spam” (I think I have enough Viagra, thank you)
• “work” to “boredom” (you’re reading this aren’t you?)
• “meetings” to “heavy eyelids” (am I dead yet?)
• “work avoidance behaviour” to “blogging” (it’s only fair, in view of the above, don’t you think?)

…and so forth. Do feel free to join in – it’s fun (and you can do it in meetings, too)

A load of balls

Hot on the heels of our company function, we recently had our company team-building weekend. Clearly someone in HR has a new “How To Motivate The Disgruntled Herd” manual.

Of course, we never get to do cool stuff like paintball, extreme ironing or bog-diving. No, it’s always that tired old favourite: action cricket. I have nothing against action cricket as such, as long as the “action” does not involve me directly. I’ve been roped into taking part in numerous bouts in the past and the results have been uniformly demoralising for all involved. You see, I have the reflexes of a severely hungover sloth and I throw like a girl (who happens to be particularly unskilled at throwing). On a bad day, I’m even worse. Brian Lara I most definitely ain’t.

Although I have long since accepted the sorry fact of my less-than-spectacular sporting prowess, others haven’t. I have also come to the conclusion that honesty in this regard is often not the best policy:

“So whose team are you in?”
“I’m not playing”
“Why not?”

Recommended response:
“Injured knee. Old war wound”
“Bummer”

Non-recommended response:
“I have no ball-sense whatsoever. I think I’d have trouble finding my own testicles if they weren’t attached”
[Glazed eyes. Crickets chirping]

There’s no “I” in “team” and really, I’m okay with that.