If I seem a little stressed, it’s because I’ve been getting queries from idiot contractors who insist on asking me for information that is contained in the very same advertisement where they found the telephone number allowing them to call me and ask stupid questions. Yes, there ARE such things as stupid questions. Anyone who says otherwise is an imbecile.
Scene: An office. KYKNOORD is seated behind a desk. The telephone rings.
KYKNOORD: Hello?
CONTRACTOR: Uh – I have a query about the tender advertised in the newspaper.
KYKNOORD: Okay.
CONTRACTOR: Ja, so where do we collect the tender documents?
KYKNOORD: At our Cape Town office.
CONTRACTOR: You mean this address in the advert?
KYKNOORD: Yes, immediately after the bit which says “documents may be collected from…”
CONTRACTOR: Ohhhhhhh.
KYKNOORD grits his teeth as another fragment of his soul quietly evaporates.
Curtain
the other side of the mountain 
Maybe they were lonely and just wanted to hear your voice.
Hey, at least it was a question you could answer… they could have called you to ask if you knew where they put their keys? And then wouldn’t you look stupid.
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It makes sense that they would be lonely. Nobody else wants to talk to them either.
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It’s clear you have no tender feelings whatsoever towards time-wasters.
(Unrelated dream sequence: in a dream last night I purchased a red hard hat. Stupid question: if your cartoon was in colour, what colour would the Grasshopper’s hard hat be?)
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Indeed, they make my jaw muscles contract.
(Who can say? I’m not really into Zen)
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ah yes….selective reading. (very similar to selective listening) …what?
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What was that about selective breeding?
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i wish to perform one of your plays. can i use this as a ‘one act’ for an upcoming theatrical competition?
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As long as you make a donation to the Benevolent Fund for Widows and Orphans of Engineers Who Have Died of Untimely Aneurysms.
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Contractors are dumb, how do they make all that money?
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I think it’s an act.
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KYKNOORD : And which contractor are you representing?
CONTRACTOR : XYZ Contracting. Why do you ask?
KYKNOORD : Oh, I just need to know which tenders I can immediately direct to the round file without opening.
CONTRACTOR : ?!?!?!?
KYKNOORD : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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That’s a much better ending. I hope Daisyfae is paying attention.
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Whenever I see the word “whoa,” I always think it should be pronounced “HOO-AH!” a la Al Pacino in “Scent of a Woman.”
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I once rode a horse that thought the same thing.
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Well done, although I feel the CONTRACTOR character was a bit underdeveloped. Could you provide a flashback to explain his motivation?
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haha…. good comment UB 😉
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Good point. I was assuming that everybody knew the Three Laws of Contractors:
1. A Contractor shall do no work, or through inaction, allow work to be done.
2. A Contractor shall appear to follow work orders, except where so doing conflicts with the First Law.
3. A Contractor shall protect his reputaion by complaining about how busy he is, except where this conflicts with the First or Second Law.
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Introduced in the manner of the Greek Chorus. I think Daisy has a winner.
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AND written in spec-book-ese… nicely done.
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I can almost taste that Tony Award.
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you still have some soul left? i thought they killed that like 2 years ago.
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Ja, who knew?
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How do you get people to leave such cool comments?!
And how would you represent a little bit of your soul evaporating away? Just curious, maybe daisyfae could tell me how she’d do it.
There is an upside to this scenario, which is very similar to the obvious questions us teachers get, and that is you get to hone your sarcasm. It’s great! YOu should thank them really for the practice.
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I think it’s because I’m so pretty.
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Client to me : Thank you I got your email with the policy summary attached
Me : Oh good. How can I help? (that’s broker speak for what stupid thing are you going to ask me now?)
Client : Can you tell me what items are insured on my policy
Me : Uh…. did you read the summary I just took the time and trouble to get and send to you?
Client : Duh no?
Me : Sigh….so let’s go through this together…. (thinks you stoopid dickhead how do you find your butt to sit down?)
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“Good news! You qualify for the brain rebate. It’s only applicable to policyholders who don’t use theirs.”
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As you say, you won’t have to even bother reading the submission from this mob, though that could be a bit of a bugger if they are the only ones who reply.
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If that does happen, I’m sure I could persuade some of the baboons at Cape Point Nature Reserve to submit a competing tender.
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you should work in the immigration industry … I have often thought of doing a video – showing in glorious technicolour how a person goes to the cop shop to roll their fingerprints for a police clearance certificate. the amount of times i have to keep repeating myself on this one topic alone is ridiculous. In general, we KNOW that all our clients do not READ anything.
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I don’t know why anybody even bothers with fine-print any more. My email footer says, “Oh, you know – legal stuff. Basically, I get all your money if you read this message, okay? I’m undecided about your internal organs at the moment, but I may call for them in the future.” Nobody has noticed.
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mine includes the lyrics to one of Rob Zombie’s little ditties … “living dead girl”
ditto … nobody has noticed.
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It’s time to start answering your phone with “Hello – National Idiot Hotline, can I help?”
Most people who have, presumably, called me to ask a stupid question hang up pretty swiftly.
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